Don't Understand the World of Dating

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ALittleLost
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26 Aug 2008, 10:13 pm

It seems that i have always been single and will remain single for the rest of my life. I bounce between very much wanting to be like everyone else and connecting with someone special. My sister and brother are both married. I'm no where close to that. I've tried this online dating thing but I don't know how to do it properly. I just get so disheartened because people seem to be matched left right and centre and I don't seem to be moving anywhere!!

I have no idea how to act around men who I like. I either panic and just sort of "run off" when they walk in my direction or I just sort of hit them --- I think that I do it too roughly because I've been asked why I'm doing that. I just don't what to do, how to act properly. I wish to God that someone would come with me on dates and just point out what I'm supposed to be doing. I don't get it. I feel a bit stupid typing that but..... I just feel hopeless...

I think that I like my solitude a lot but I want to be like everyone else with a special someone too...

Is there an Asperger's dating website?



KingChaosNinja
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26 Aug 2008, 10:19 pm

ALittleLost wrote:
Is there an Asperger's dating website?


You'd think by now. We've got lots of talented people here so someone should get on that.

But I don't think NTs even get dating. They always change the rules. I took the path of reckless-abandon and just go all out every time. If it doesn't work, I get over it and move on. If you move fast enough eventually you'll run into something heavy enough to stop you. Or at least that's the way I see things.


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Blasty
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26 Aug 2008, 11:37 pm

http://www.aspieaffection.com/

Unfortunately there isn't a very large number of users. For instance, I registered and found that there isn't a match for me in my whole state. It might still be worth checking out. You can make some long distance friends there.

I recently made a good friend on OKcupid who I am now dating. Not an Aspie site, but you can find local people fairly similar to you. You might check that out if you haven't already.



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27 Aug 2008, 12:08 am

Unfortunately, for many people, AS or NT or whatever, you learn what's wrong to do or what's right by getting experience.. but it's hard to get that experience when you do things wrong, and it's a vicious circle, and I feel your pain. I would say that the best way to go about it is to be as calm as possible, and learn to think about things before you do them. If there's someone that likes you, or that you like, coming up to you, try to think before you run, or hit them. "Would hitting them on the arm really get me what I want in this situation? Would running away accomplish anything that I want to accomplish?"

If you can try to be laid back about things, it will be easier for you to make friends.. and from there, go on dates. And there are some people that will completely understand if you tell them that you've never been on a date and you're just awkward. I find that being honest about some of my problems really can help. Don't be too honest, don't go into a whole schpiel about how you can't do something, just say something along the lines of, "I'm really sorry if I seem a little awkward, this is all new to me but I'd really like to have a nice night, so forgive me, please?"

Of course this won't get you everywhere, but at the very least you might be able to get a little experience out of it, you know?



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27 Aug 2008, 12:19 am

ALittleLost wrote:
or I just sort of hit them --- I think that I do it too roughly because I've been asked why I'm doing that.
Well, now there's your problem! Do you mean to say that when guys approach you, you literally punch or slap them? Dating isn't hard for women unless they are horribly ugly. If a woman is even slightly attractive, she'll have guys approaching her. Obviously she shouldn't simply attack them or flee... Makes me think that maybe your "fight or flight" response is a bit unbalanced towards the extremes lol. Go to a bar or club or something and just stand around. Guys will approach you and it doesn't matter if you act like a total idiot; they won't care. I think they'll let you get away with pretty much anything short of hitting them...

Guys think that Paris Hilton is incredibly hot even though she acts like a dumbass in all of her performances or whatever. If a guy like Brad Pitt acted like a clumsy moron, women would hate him. It's different for men and women. For women, it's just a matter of looking good.



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27 Aug 2008, 12:50 am

ALittleLost wrote:
It seems that i have always been single and will remain single for the rest of my life. I bounce between very much wanting to be like everyone else and connecting with someone special. My sister and brother are both married. I'm no where close to that.

Well, I have been married-but divorced, too. So, even if one's had previous "success", one may feel a failure when those situations disappear. Reluctant to admit, being without a boyfriend makes me utterly miserable, afraid I'll never find another great "connection".

Had long-term relationships in past...but they've since ended (sigh). Suddenly find myself adrift (having to start over at square one) in the harsh ("fend for yourself") world of people-meeting & date-making. Have yet to manage, figure out, how to confidently, consistently do those supposedly "simple" actions.

The relationships I've had before didn't come about through dating-they occurred when friends knew friends, we'd hang out, and at some point some people zeroed in on each other & "hooked up" (for a night or for many years).
ALittleLost wrote:
I've tried this online dating thing but I don't know how to do it properly. I just get so disheartened because people seem to be matched left right and centre and I don't seem to be moving anywhere!!

Yeah, me too-people keep telling me it's the way to seek out (and perhaps meet) other introverts (like myself)-because I dislike outdoorsy/public/group activities-yet I'm intimidated by online sites & personal ads, too.
ALittleLost wrote:
Is there an Asperger's dating website?

There's hardly anyone (grown-ups, that is) near my location with ASD, and/or individuals with whom I'd be compatible (mutually). At least that's how it seems, alas. I like where I live, don't want a long-distance thing, so am rather frustrated/stymied.
Wish luck to you-and for me, too !
ALittleLost wrote:
I have no idea how to act around men who I like. I either panic and just sort of "run off" when they walk in my direction or I just sort of hit them --- I think that I do it too roughly because I've been asked why I'm doing that. I just don't what to do, how to act properly.

I get overwhelmed with anxiety & insecurity around those to whom I'm attracted/interested. Used to kick boys that I found "cute" in junior high school, because I was afraid I'd be teased & rejected if Ilet it be known that I "liked" them.

Dating is, to my personality, an anomaly-an artificial & uncomfortable social situation that does not "show me in my best light" (function-wise, behaviorally & emotionally). My "natural environment" is at home, and my favorite activities are "low-key": reading, writing, drawing, talking & listening. Hardly the sorts of things one goes out in public & pays money to do (in the company of strangers with whom one hopes to find "romantic match").
ALittleLost wrote:
I wish to God that someone would come with me on dates and just point out what I'm supposed to be doing. I don't get it. I feel a bit stupid typing that but..... I just feel hopeless...

Again, I relate to the predicament-sorry I haven't advice, as I'm "in same boat".
Would be nice if one had what I guess is called "wingman" (person of same gender as self who provides backup/support/advice) when encountering new folks, to help smooth translation between parties.
ALittleLost wrote:
I think that I like my solitude a lot but I want to be like everyone else with a special someone too...

Having a "significant other" around on regular, reliable basis helps me appreciate my time alone-I treasure my solitude, but not without pleasant interludes of closeness with another.


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EllipticOrbit
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27 Aug 2008, 12:53 am

"My sister and brother are both married"...

Had to re-read that one a couple of times to figure out what you meant. :-)



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27 Aug 2008, 8:33 am

Praetorius wrote:
Guys think that Paris Hilton is incredibly hot even though she acts like a dumbass in all of her performances or whatever. If a guy like Brad Pitt acted like a clumsy moron, women would hate him. It's different for men and women. For women, it's just a matter of looking good.


Probably some truth in it, however, at work there is a new woman who reminds me of an aspie girl who once worked before. What is said about her is often not good.



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27 Aug 2008, 8:40 am

Belfast wrote:
Having a "significant other" around on regular, reliable basis helps me appreciate my time alone-I treasure my solitude, but not without pleasant interludes of closeness with another.


It is interesting to compare a chronic bellyache, while relaxing on the beach to a hard, long hours in the office.



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27 Aug 2008, 8:41 am

Belfast wrote:
Having a "significant other" around on regular, reliable basis helps me appreciate my time alone-I treasure my solitude, but not without pleasant interludes of closeness with another.


It is interesting to compare a chronic bellyache, while relaxing on the beach to a hard, long hours in the office.



Funaho
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27 Aug 2008, 10:37 am

It's really too bad aspieaffection.com doesn't have more people...I signed up when it was first opened but all I ever seem to get there are spam emails. :/

I've also tried the Friend Finder sites and a couple others,and from what I've seen it's basically 99% men and 1% women, and half the women want other women, and the rest have such a wide choice available to them that they're super picky. End result is I never get any responses to emails. I just finally gave up. No woman wants to date a 35 year old with the dating/relationship experience of a 16 year old, and it just gets worse as I get older.


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27 Aug 2008, 11:00 am

ALittleLost wrote:
I have no idea how to act around men who I like. I either panic and just sort of "run off" when they walk in my direction or I just sort of hit them --- I think that I do it too roughly because I've been asked why I'm doing that.


Whenever I'm put into a romantic situation, I've got the full "deer in headlights" thing going on...

Belfast wrote:
Dating is, to my personality, an anomaly-an artificial & uncomfortable social situation that does not "show me in my best light" (function-wise, behaviorally & emotionally). My "natural environment" is at home, and my favorite activities are "low-key": reading, writing, drawing, talking & listening. Hardly the sorts of things one goes out in public & pays money to do (in the company of strangers with whom one hopes to find "romantic match").


To me, the whole dating process seems backwards. I want to know more about a woman before I start dating her, not rushing into things not knowing anything. Unfortunately that in turn means that I'm quite familiar with the "friend zone", and that is the construct I want to abolish over all others.



Kellindil
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27 Aug 2008, 12:11 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:
To me, the whole dating process seems backwards. I want to know more about a woman before I start dating her, not rushing into things not knowing anything. Unfortunately that in turn means that I'm quite familiar with the "friend zone", and that is the construct I want to abolish over all others.


The 'friend zone' is the most retarded idea ever. "Hey, yeah, but sorry, I don't date people with whom I share interests, emotions, trust, rapport or knowledge."

"Wait, what?"



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27 Aug 2008, 12:28 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:
To me, the whole dating process seems backwards. I want to know more about a woman before I start dating her, not rushing into things not knowing anything. Unfortunately that in turn means that I'm quite familiar with the "friend zone", and that is the construct I want to abolish over all others.


Getting to know her is what dating is.


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ProtossX
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27 Aug 2008, 12:33 pm

Funaho wrote:
It's really too bad aspieaffection.com doesn't have more people...I signed up when it was first opened but all I ever seem to get there are spam emails. :/

I've also tried the Friend Finder sites and a couple others,and from what I've seen it's basically 99% men and 1% women, and half the women want other women, and the rest have such a wide choice available to them that they're super picky. End result is I never get any responses to emails. I just finally gave up. No woman wants to date a 35 year old with the dating/relationship experience of a 16 year old, and it just gets worse as I get older.


didnt you say you have a Friends With Benfits relationship already?

Why are you even lookin on friends finder when you already have one? seems kinda weird i guess maybe u dont have a FWB an u just made that up what do i know ur 35 u got anime avatar u act like u get sex everyday u want but ur gettin screwed on internet dating sites hmm i dunno man