Searching for answers - my husband has aspergers

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Great thread.

I used to have regular meltdowns (3-4 days) after intense social situations. However I followed Baron-Cohen's thesis that AS tend to over-systemise. Since I stopped over-systemising I have had no meltdowns. My suggestion to the AS folk is to turn off your systemising when you're in social situations, and lower your expectations - see unlearningasperger.blogspot.com.

My suggestion to the non-AS partners is to trust and respect the AS partner to see the job that needs doing and get it done - which will massively build him/her up, which in turn may well create intimacy. He/She needs and wants your respect above all. Try subtly (you have those skills!) to 'show' him/her the job that needs doing, e.g. do the ironing in front of him/her using the ironing board that keeps collapsing, but let him/her have the 'idea' of fixing it. You could ask his/her 'advice' on how you can possibly overcome some problem (e.g. get all these jobs done in this time), and let him have the 'idea' of the obvious fix (e.g. pay for some help). That way you get what you want, and he/she gets to keep/build his/her self-respect.

Very best
JC

Igor, your list of ideas was music to my ears
I see I'm not alone in congratulating you on an excellent summary of things a NT partner can do to make a relationship with an Aspie go a lot smoother. Well done! Every one of those points represents the kind of things that gets me wound up when it's ignored, and I'm sure I'd feel a lot less defensive towards my wife if she were to take them all on board and deal with me accordingly. I'll show her your ideas and hope she finds herself able to try them out.

Somebody mentioned reading the books by John Gottman for laymen...I don't know if this is a typical AS thing (I suspect not), but I always find it very hard to read recommended books. I seem to have to scrutinise a book from cover to cover and understand every sentence, or not read it at all. So it becomes an overwhelming chore, and I feel afraid of letting the recommender down - perhaps it comes from my schoodays when we were given too many set books to digest when I wasn't ready for them. It might be better in my case if the person were to go through a book and highlight the most important concepts for me, or point me to a good review so I can focus on a bite sized task. The other thing about books is that I find a lot of them seem to be unnecessarily padded out with superfluous "junk," or annoyingly dummied-down, and I find myself wondering why they didn't just write a pamphlet containing the gist of the ideas they're trying to broadcast. I'm something of an inverted snob, and my first reaction to a popular "guru" is to think "here's another self-styled teacher who thinks he's some kind of authority" - but I think I'm mellowing with age. And when I discover a source for myself, it's much easier; I guess that's because there's no perceived pressure to please anybody else, I do seem to have a problem with that - I hate feeling that I might let a friend down, and I begin to resent the friend for sparking off that anxiety in me.

Bangingheadonwall - I too get quite anxious that my wife's requests are to be done immediately. It often helps if the request is preceded by "I don't expect you to drop everything and do this now, but...." However, I also suspect I have some kind of phobia about having to remember to do a thing in the future, which can scare me even though the request isn't demanding my immediate attention. Luckily that doesn't always strike, and I have a few coping strategies like a year planner, though I worry that I can fall out of the habit of looking at the thing. I may have some undiagnosed memory problem, or possibly a morbid fear of forgetting that confuses the issue somehow.

Your hubby does seem to be in denial about AS - I didn't believe my wife when she said she thought I had it, though I wasn't actually in denial, just calmly skeptical, and I simply put it onto my "to do" list and eventually found the time to do a couple of online questionnaires, which were strongly positive. Maybe I'm naive, but I never was worried about being labelled, as I somehow can't believe there could be much of a social stigma - I've never been able to feel ashamed of having a condition, and my attitude is mostly one of "if anybody wants to see me as inferior, then that's their problem, let me meet them and I'll tear a strip off them for being so stupid and judgemental." It's not like it's paedophilia or anything really horrific. But I know that many people are very sensitive to any label that suggests impairment or abnormality. I wish I could infuse some of my gung-ho attitude into them, give them some of that innate arrogance that tells me I'm OK no matter what anybody else thinks.

On the other hand, I can certainly dig my heels in if I think anybody is trying to pin a label on me that they haven't really researched. As a scientist, I find that most lay people do tend to jump to conclusions, though I'm not saying you've done that. All I can suggest is, try not to come over to him as if you know he has AS, just say that you think he might, maybe point out that he doesn't know for sure that he doesn't have it. Open-mindedness is easier to take. The trouble is, once a pattern of attrition has set in, the mere mention of the "A" word is likely to trigger the old entrenched conflict.

Perhaps if you opened the talking with something like "I've been reconsidering this AS thing and I have to admit I could be wrong....but will you meet me halfway and take a look? If you don't have it, that will come clear and we can drop the idea." Or maybe get somebody else to talk to him about it, to avoid the triggering effect and to add weight to the idea that maybe there really is something in it. Make sure he's not under stress when you mention it. It might take time, and it's going to be difficult for you biting your tongue while you wait to see whether or not he's going to take it on board. I know my wife (who is mostly neurotypical as far as we know) can give every outward impression that she's utterly rejected what I say to her when it's not very palatable, and I can spend days thinking she's just not heard, but sometimes when a person rails against an idea, it's a sign that they're on the way to reconstruction. No guarantees of course, and sometimes it's simply that they don't want to know and won't ever want to know, but don't give up hope untill all the options are exhausted.

I see from most of the information you are getting is very good.
You need to read books by Tony Attwood, so to better understand AS.
I wish you and your husband luck.

I think the cultural thing is a way to come to an understanding. I am a kiwi and my husband Danish. How to live with it is another matter. The emotional isolation is too much for me to cope with on a daily basis, however due to circumstances it has been to a large extent solved for us. Four months ago he bought a business in a town 1 1/2 hours drive from home so only comes home on the weekends. Now he can be totally engrossed in his business without me nutting off that he is being unreasonable and when he does come home things are allot more relaxed for the both of us. Strangely I feel a lot less lonely now he is not here. He phones every night and gives a run down of his day, I briefly give him a picture of mine as he is totally uninterested and there is a sense of connection for the both of us. He loves me sending emails of what has gone on during the week and it seems to be a much easier way to communicate with him.
I have looked and looked for information of what I can do to sort the mess out; there is little practical advice except suck it in so anything from anyone would be much appreciated.
I am all new to this, it is my first post and if there is anyone in the North Island out there would love to hear from you.

My husband and I are both aspies. He needs to be told things directly otherwise his interpretation will be way off. At first I thought that he got things like Valentine's day and birthdays, etc, because it's so common that how could one not know? I had to learn to tell him, "It's Valentine's day tomorrow. I would be very happy if you got me some red roses, no more than a dozen, a box of Russell Stover candy and a card that you feel expresses your sentiments." He is happy to oblige me, his directives are clearly laid out, and he is therefore assured that he is doing the right thing and there will be no problems. It is totally unromantic and the idea that I would have to tell him EXACTLY what to get me seems to invalidate the whole idea of the day, but it works for him, it works for me, so that's what we do.

The nice thing about being with an aspie is, you can be absolutely straight-up and direct with them. Being vague and hoping they'll notice stuff gets you nowhere. You may think that you've traded spontaneous romance for stability. All I have to say is, you can teach a man to be romantic, but you cannot teach him to be stable in a relationship. Life is hard enough, I'll take stability in a partner any day.