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ryansjoy
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12 Sep 2008, 6:15 am

My 6th grader son is having major issues with school this year. he is unable to even enter the classroom. has spent several days with the nurse/counselors/resource teacher. his anxiety level is thru the roof. this year is no different than last year. same school, and they switched him in a class to be with his one and only friend. He is add/adhd aspergers. he has told us that he can't be around people any more and just can not enter the classroom. now he is not a good student, as in lazy and will not function to learn something new. he has trouble with transition but never to this extent. anyone else have any insight on how to help him. he sobs and sobs and can't be in the classroom. 1st day of school nurse called me to pick him up. puking. night before last he had a melt down and i almost called the police. i can't pull him out of school.. he needs to learn which he has set his mind to not do. i dread next year in middle school.. any help or stories i would love to hear.



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12 Sep 2008, 8:06 am

My son couldn't function in public school from day 1 of kindergarten and I did have to pull him out in the second grade.

Is there anyway that you could send him to a private school where the class sizes are smaller? Some of the religious private schools are not very expensive at all. There just might be too many people at your son's school for him to function...sensory overload.

6th grade is also very tough. Teasing and bullying ramp up at that age and I think middle school is the worst for that.



picklejah
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12 Sep 2008, 8:23 am

My other thought was - do you know the reason why he can't be with other people?? This can be for so many different reasons. Ask your son directly - "I'm not sure I understand how you feel. Can you help me understand? I'd like to know a reason why it's hard for you. What does your body feel like? Is it the lights? The sounds? The kids? Fear of failure." etc. etc. Obviously do this at a time when you know he is calm enough to give you feedback.

Here's an example: My son has meltdowns when he is trying to concentrate on worksheets and says "the classroom is noisy". The teachers were getting frustrated with him, because they made sure the class was more quiet, etc. Come to find out that he has exceptional hearing. I asked him what sounds in particular that bothered him in the classroom. His answer: The sounds of pencils on the paper and the sound of the clothes moving on everyone's body. 8O Who'da thought?!?!

Does he see a therapist for his anxiety?? That may help you work through this and to understand where he is coming from. And to put him back in power of his own emotions.


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DW_a_mom
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12 Sep 2008, 11:37 am

ryansjoy wrote:

now he is not a good student, as in lazy and will not function to learn something new.



I really want to address this comment. AS can be impaired in ways that we cannot relate to, and one of those is not being to do things that we assume they can and should be able to do. And this changes moment by moment, day to day. My son can wiz through a math sheet one day, and have a panic attack about almost the exact same sheet the next day, because it seems easier or harder, longer or different ... And that panic attack is REAL, and his inability to do the new math sheet is real. We've developed a process for getting him through that, but it has taken a LOT of patience and understanding.

When someone with AS encounters enough people thinking that all they need to do is CHOOSE to make the effort, when they know it is far more complicated, they will withdraw and give up. If you read posts from the adults on this forum, you will find that this was a common response to things they encountered as child: withdraw, give up, stop doing the work, stop trying to explain what you need because no one will believe you anyway.

One thing to NOT do is EVER allow your child to think that you feel he is lazy or not willing to apply himself. I don't know that you have, we often say things to other adults in frustration that we haven't fully thought out, but I do want to reinforce it, just in case. With as many posts on this forum as you have, I would guess that you already know this.


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ster
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12 Sep 2008, 11:40 am

middle school was H%[email protected]*....son's anxiety level was through the roof ! some classes he would just sit outside the door and rock back and forth in the fetal position on the floor........ultimately, getting him out of a large setting is what really helped. it didn't matter whether he had friends in a class or not- he just couldn't handle all those people



Tortuga
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12 Sep 2008, 3:06 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:
ryansjoy wrote:

now he is not a good student, as in lazy and will not function to learn something new.



I really want to address this comment. AS can be impaired in ways that we cannot relate to, and one of those is not being to do things that we assume they can and should be able to do. And this changes moment by moment, day to day.


This is absolutely true. My child's cognitive function is much different than those who breeze through school work. My son learns in a way that is different than any other person that I've ever met. His ability function changes day-to-day and you don't really know what you're going to get. He is not lazy, but sometimes he absolutely can not think to do schoolwork. It's really been a blessing for me to have my son and see that I was wrong about school. I breezed through school and I incorrectly thought that the ability to do school work meant that you have a high IQ. It doesn't. Some very bright, very unlazy people have difficulty writing essays or finishing math assignments.

I've come to believe that there is a huge social component to completing homework. I never saw that before, but there is. And, I realize now that one of the reasons I was so good at school was because I was very good at figuring out the teacher and what they wanted from me. My child can't do that. He's got one foot firmly planted in his own world and a lot of what goes on around him is not relevant to his reality.



wrongshoes
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12 Sep 2008, 7:19 pm

You might find these book useful - they are full of alternative ideas for kids like this.
The Edison Gene: ADHD and the Gift of the Hunter Child by Thom Hartmann
The Myth of the A.D.D Child:50 Ways to Improve Your Child's Behavior and Attention Span Without Drugs, Labels, or Coercion by Thomas Armstrong

I really think you should consider taking him out of school, though.



ryansjoy
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12 Sep 2008, 8:58 pm

[quote=
I really think you should consider taking him out of school, though.[/quote]

I wish I could take him out. I work all day and my husband is at home but not sure if he can teach him the way he needs to learn.

I also need to say that my son is lazy! but I love him to death. he puts little effort into things. its a down fall. and something the therapist is trying to work with him about. whether is true lazy or if he has the emotional aspect of it. it frustrates us all! to the lay eye he is plain old lazy. to his mom he suffers from AS and just has never learned how to put himself out there to get the job done.

He was not able to enter the classroom today but I make sure I tell him that he goes when he feels comfortable enough to go. he does this when he is ready and not a moment before. i am the bulldog not letting the school push him.

thru this all I have come to terms that I need to get my son off add meds! and since puberty is not helping either our dr. backed me up and said off the meds and his puberty is also part of the factor.

he tells me that he gets sick when he is so close to other kids. but what the weird thing is that he can eat lunch with the kids.. so the school asks me why he can eat with the others but not enter the classroom to learn. and our 2 drs backed me up this is not fake for Ryan this is real!

as for private school the few around here i could never pay for. not in a million years. I am the working parent. my husband stays at home. so its just me! so i just keep him out of the school thing tell him when he is ready to take the next step then ok but otherwise we do this on his terms.

Colleen



wrongshoes
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12 Sep 2008, 9:07 pm

Have you heard of unschooling? It might be the right fit for him.

Whatever you do, it sounds like you love him very much, and will make sure he gets what he needs.



DW_a_mom
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12 Sep 2008, 10:02 pm

ryansjoy wrote:
... has never learned how to put himself out there to get the job done.



I think this is very common for AS, and I'm not sure that it is something they can "learn." More like find some run-around adaptation for, some way to inspire themselves in the unique ways they respond to. My son is like that, he has developed his own unusual pattern, but if anything is off and he can't access that pattern then he can't get even the simpliest thing done. There is some internal roadblock there. It is NOT so easy to remove. You aren't going to get past this unless you find the unique key.


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BugsMom
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12 Sep 2008, 10:08 pm

I'm so sorry that your son is going through a tough time. Sixth grade was a hellish year for me--I was teased unmercilessly and also spent a lot of time in the guidance counselor's office and hiding in the restroom to avoid certain classes.

In my case, things did turn around for me in middle school. I made friends with kids from other elementary schools and was able to avoid the bullies for the most part. I hope things will improve for your son as well.



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12 Sep 2008, 10:14 pm

I find it interesting, that if someone can't do something in reference to disability, it's still okay to call them lazy. You wouldn't call someone who needs a wheelchair lazy, for not walking. It's the same with disability, maybe he doesn't have a choice in the matter, maybe he's so upset that he can't concentrate on his work. That isn't being lazy, that is not having a choice in the matter of accomplishing the task.

Telling someone with a disability they're lazy, is like talking down about someone in a wheelchair for not being able to walk. In most cases just as cruel. A disability doesn't need to be seen for it to exsist.



ryansjoy
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13 Sep 2008, 7:44 am

violet_yoshi wrote:
I find it interesting, that if someone can't do something in reference to disability, it's still okay to call them lazy. You wouldn't call someone who needs a wheelchair lazy, for not walking. It's the same with disability, maybe he doesn't have a choice in the matter, maybe he's so upset that he can't concentrate on his work. That isn't being lazy, that is not having a choice in the matter of accomplishing the task.

Telling someone with a disability they're lazy, is like talking down about someone in a wheelchair for not being able to walk. In most cases just as cruel. A disability doesn't need to be seen for it to exsist.


one of the major reasons why i stopped posting on this forum is because of the people who feel the need to attack you when you state something I know is true. DO you live with him? No my son is lazy. As a mom I know if my son is lazy or its the real thing Its a simple fact. As a parent its frustrating when you know that your child who is a very smart kid does not put himself out there because he would rather rush to get his work done do a half assed job so he can play his game boy. he can finish the job. case in point i have asked him all summer to clean his room. all summer he blew me off. i gave him ideas of not getting the whole job done in one day but to do it in pieces because i know it overwhelms a kid. is it done? no. who is doing it today? Me. Lazy is him sneaking food into his room and leaving the dirty food bowls behind. and me asking over and over please get the dirty dishes from your room. I would never call someone lazy for not walking who uses a wheel chair. this is so far out to make the connection. You know we have to be able to teach our children to take pride in what they do. that eventually when they need a job its a lesson to learn that they need to do a good job to keep their job. and I feel if we make excuses for them over and over again then we teach them nothing. I am not aking my son to get straight a's. I am asking for certain critera to be met. the school helps him this way and gives him smaller goals to get to a finished project. and he is graded on a child with a learning disability.

After speaking to his dr yeaterday and seeing his therapist we are seeing puberty set in and its something he is also coping with also. he is a great boy and I back him up 100%. But I think its important not to make excuses but to teach him that getting the job done is important too. his therapist is huge on teaching his patients that actions are viewed by others and not for me as a parent to make excuses for him because I am not teaching him anything other than to make the excuse of his AS.

so you see folks this is why i stopped posting here. because when a parent needs advice and stories you always have someone to attack you for being less of a parent than what they think you should be. If i wanted this then i would deal with my sons school. people should realize that I posted for help. not to be beaten up for my view on my son. HELP... its very sad that i needed help. i did not need another person to put me down for my views!

I have stopped giving people this site for information because of the attacks that others post. its sad because it could be helpful. but people who are in crisis do not need to be brought further down and this behavior goes on all the time on wrongplanet. we are parents in need! not parents who need to be beaten up!



wrongshoes
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13 Sep 2008, 7:55 am

I think the intention of the person making a big deal about the word "lazy" was not to insult you, but to ask you to look at the situation a different way.

It sounds to me like your son is trying desperately to communicate discomfort or dissatisfaction with his life.

It is quite possible that if you could find and correct the source of the discomfort and dissatisfaction, the rest would turn around as well.

I know I've been in many school and work situations where I was so unhappy that I just didn't have the energy to deal with it. On the other hand, when I'm in a challenging/stimulating/fun situation, I have lots of energy. It is not a matter of deciding not to be interested - it's purely unconscious.

Have you tried asking him what could be changed to make his life better?