Help for the clueless?

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For me, a significant effect of AS is that I will very frequently misread nonverbal communication–those subtle, unspoken cues that can add so much information and context to the words a person uses. This effect has proved very difficult in my relationships with women.

I often misread women’s interest in me. I have tried to initiate relationships with various women, in a polite and friendly way, but long after my male friends assured me those women were not interested in me.

At other times, I have been utterly clueless about women who were very interested in me. One woman I used to work with was extremely interested in having a relationship with me, but she was also rather shy. After several actions on this woman’s part, two of my closest friends at work told me how interested she was in me, but I just couldn’t see it. Duh!

In 1992, I broke off the longest and most serious relationship I ever had with a woman. We had been talking about getting engaged to be married. My girlfriend was devastated when I said I needed to end our relationship. At the time, I was experiencing spontaneous memories of the childhood sexual abuse I had suffered at the hands of people outside my family. I was overwhelmed and having panic attacks regularly, so I could not stay in the relationship. After my girlfriend and I broke up, she became suicidal and received psychiatric treatment and a prescription of Prozac for 6 months. To this day, I can’t really understand why it was such a big deal for her. I knew she was fond of me, but I never picked up any clues that would indicate the intensity of her feelings for me.

It’s hard to make a disclosure like this. On the other hand, I hope to be able to do something about it, so I have to start somewhere.

First, Get over yourself you're not a unique snowflake here! Second, you need to get out more and stop thinking about the past and face your fears. You said 1992... that was more then over 10 friggin years ago! You sound like a complete wuss and no woman whether she will admit it or not, will ever stay with a wuss over the long term. You really need to get out and get rid your fears and anxieties about yourself and build skills in dealing with people. There is no other way for you to recover but to dedicate yourself to making the life you want for yourself.

Italian polymath Leon Battista Alberti (1404–1472):

No art, however minor, demands less than total dedication if you want to excel in it.

Leon Battista Alberti was a prime example of the quintessential Renaissance man (like the more well-known Leonardo da Vinci). He was an author, poet, linguist, architect, philosopher, and cryptographer.

It is rather more complicated than that. I think there is a lot more going on than what has been stated. However he does need to let it go and move on.

Sexual abuse? That is pretty serious, especially if it was at a young are, I think he needs professional help. It has hurt me more when I've hurt other people than when they've hurt me, dumping someone can be a traumatic thing.

I saw a man on the news that experienced much worse at the hands of his parents when he was younger, and he decided not to let his pain define him. No amount of professional help will help him if he can't stop holding on to the past. I know because I've been there. I wish I could find the clip of that man who had so many things happen to him as a source of inspiration, there are other people that experienced much worse and didn't let their experiences define their futures.

You're right, he could get over it. Honestly I think he wants to get over it. Sometimes I think being empathetic is the only thing you can do for other people, I'd say this is the case anyway.

Thanks for the info. I don't get into pissing contests over whose trauma or suffering is worse than some other person's; that's a rather pointless exercise in futility.

I said I wanted to get over it in my first message to the thread.

I'm sorry to hear of your problems, and that other people are being so rude. For your question about non-verbal cues, there are some very good books about reading body language and facial expressions that should be available at your library, I've found these to be somewhat helpful in reading people.

Thanks. Can you recommend any specific titles?

Well, for the .01% of people who CAN walk away from childhood abuse and lead very normal lives, good for them. However, for a lot of people, it is a very traumatic experience. I see no reason why getting help would be a bad thing. Sometimes in order to let such an experience NOT define one's future, as you put it, such steps are entirely necessary.

But on a less heavy-handed note, I think a lot of us are probably in the same boat when it comes to the misreading of communication. I was waiting patiently in a rather long queue in the local supermarket with a couple of friends, when a girl who I had no clue as to who she was, came over and started chatting to me, saying something rather banal about how long the queue was, like 'wow this queue is long!'. I of course, being the logical type, agreed, and shared my similar long-queue experiences. Apparently this was all just some clever ruse to strike up a rappor, but being as clueless as I am about such things, I honestly thought she was wanting to discuss the length of the queue with me! Oh dear...

ZakFiend makes some good points. However, I am not letting the past define my future. At the same time, I know I have some significant challenges to face and I want to address them now. I like to think I am doing the best I can with what I have to work with in my life. Sure, there's always room for improvement, and that's what I want to do: improve.


Yeah, that's the kind of challenge I have, too. I mentioned my experience with my one long and serious relationship not as a an appeal for sympathy or pity, but to illustrate how difficult it can be for me to figure this stuff out.

Aw, heck, son, this is easy stuff...

All you need are three tips:

1. Whatever you are good at, make sure she sees you doing it and being praised/paid for doing it. I got more phone numbers fixing computers and office equipment than I ever did doing anything else my entire life.

2. If she puts her hand on your knee, even glancingly, while talking to you then you are about 167% of the way to getting a girlfriend.

3. If she leans over her counter, desk, podium or leaning platform to talk to you ever time you talk, you are completely in. You might as well just marry her then and there.

That's all the tips you will ever need for reading a woman's interest. After that you can proceed to embarrassing yourself by constantly misreading whether she wants to cuddle or have sex.

I don't remember any titles, but go for ones with lots of pictures. The 'for dummies' books aren't bad either if I remember.

He came here for support, and you're jumping down his throat? C'mon, Zak... there are more constructive methods than that.

RG... I'm not sure how to approach your issue, save for continuing to make the effort, perhaps starting online so that any expression is more overt, more evident, so that you can better read it. Ask questions, and keep trying. Good luck to you.


M.

Thanks! I'm a visual kind of guy so pictures will help.