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sunshower
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20 Sep 2008, 10:13 pm

~I originally posted this as a reply, but it's so comprehensive I thought it might be useful as a topic in itself.~

Hey I think I fit almost perfectly into your category - no friends at school, lots of friends at college.

I'm a girl though, and not really interested in the whole "hooking up" side of college so I can't really help you there.

um...

It's hard to explain. I think being bright, positive, outgoing, and really friendly to everyone really helped me. It's amazing the sort of reaction you can get from people just for being really nice to them. It can make them overlook your aspergery traits, and irritation. Pretty much I found that meal times were a really good time to make friends.

Confidence is the key.

First, I always tried to sit with lots of different people at meal times, and broke the ice and awkwardness and all that by just being honest (which most people find endearing). "Hi, I'm Caitlin, I like to get to know new people. What are your names? Which floor are you guys from?" (big smile - always use big smiles, try to hide nervousness and appear confident). At first they will be awkward around you, but eventually they will get used to your presence and start to chat amongst themselves again. This is probably the pivotal point. They will either be weirded out, or will think, hey that's an interesting person I'd like to get to know them better. People tend to get weirded out if you show any signs of insecurity. Any at all. You have to act as if you're ultra confident, ultra comfortable around people and they will assume you're a cool guy with lots of friends. It always helps to ask them questions about themselves, get a convo going, and contribute to the conversation while not dominating it. Always act positive, friendly, and happy and it will smooth over any weirdness and people will be drawn to you.
*If, during the time you sat with them, anyone mentioned anything important to them they were going to do, or was going to happen soon, REMEMBER IT. eg. Tim says that he is worried about a major exam he is going to sit tomorrow.

Then, if you succeed, memorize the names of the people you were sitting with and then sit with them again - maybe not the next night, as that is a bit soon (you don't want to appear clingy) -unless they seek you out and invite you to sit with them - in that case, go for it!- yeah, sit with them again after maybe 3 nights or so, you know say something like "Hey guys, what's up? Assignments have been total hell this week, yeah?" Once again, break the ice with something fairly generalized (IMPORTANT: At first talk about things that affect college students as a group, talk about stuff that is relevant to all of you, and will increase bonding between you as "fellow university students" or "fellow college students" or whatnot. Whatever you do, don't intrude on intimate topics for them (that are only in their group circle), or topics that only relevant to you (which will only alienate you from them)).
* FOLLOW UP with any events that people mentioned last time you sat with them, and ask how they went. eg. "So how did your exam go Tim?" People take this as a sign that you're interested in their lives, and warm to you.

By this stage, you will be included as a person the group likes to sit with, but still not "of" the group. By this stage you will have figured out if these are the friends for you. If they're really different people, and you're not sure they're right, DON'T JUST DROP THEM. Always keep them as acquaintances, make sure you're friendly to them, and say hi whenever you see them. Sit with them occasionally. The more acquaintances you have, the more people will like you and think well of you, and the better reputation you will have in college, which makes it easier to make friends.

If this group fits you like a glove, then remember that getting in the group (being a fully fledged member) is always hard, and takes patience and time. One thing you can do is to ask people to your room, hold gatherings like - everyone come and drink in my room tonight! That is a great way to integrate yourself. I started having "tea parties" where people would come to my room and we'd sit and chat with cups of tea. This worked a treat for me for several reasons:

a. It was new and original, and of course, this made people want to come.

b. Giving people drinks (even tea) makes people like you.

c. Everyone wants to be invited and included, and people will be friendly to you in the hopes that you'll ask them up.

d. It started a tradition, and the people who came the first time, and bonded, become a friendship group in themselves (of course with you included as you are necessarily central to the group being the one who controls the meeting place).

Yeah, I've been talking for ages so I think I'll stop. But these are all the things that helped me. Of course, it's always important to follow your instincts, and things like place, the types of people, moods of everyone involved, gender, etc will always be uncontrolled variables in the situation. The best thing to do in all circumstances is to act positive and friendly and CONFIDENT to everybody you meet (I cannot stress the importance of complete confidence enough, even if it's completely faked).

Gosh, I might post this up as a topic in itself.


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Last edited by sunshower on 23 Sep 2008, 11:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

pakled
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20 Sep 2008, 10:21 pm

dang, another stereotype busted...;) s'ok, you did a lot better than I did (when I was in college, they just thought I was high...everyone else [but me] was...;)

good work



sunshower
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20 Sep 2008, 11:04 pm

thanks :)

I know what you mean, all my life people keep asking me if I'm on drugs, and MOST of the time they're kidding...


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ToadOfSteel
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22 Sep 2008, 7:01 am

What I don't like about that whole concept is that you're essentially deceiving the other people in this scenario. Sure, you're putting yourself out there, but as you said:

Quote:
(big smile - always use big smiles, try to hide nervousness and appear confident)


Quote:
You have to act as if you're ultra confident, ultra comfortable around people and they will assume you're a cool guy with lots of friends.



sunshower
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23 Sep 2008, 11:51 pm

I suppose. But I believe that acting confident can lead to confidence. And as for the second quote, yeah I know what you mean - it does sound deceptive. I found it hard to explain exactly what i mean by that, I meant it more as a defense mechanism against any people who might be bullies. Nice people will be friends if you're confident or not, i've found, but bullies will always hone in on people they perceive as lacking friends or confidence so I think it's best to fake it until it comes naturally. I don't mean that people should lie, and make up friends (big no no in my opinion) I just think it's a lot about persona.
Out of all the advice psychologists have given me scaring off bullies, this is the only thing i've found that works as an effective defense mechanism (because the minute you deisolate yourself and put yourself out there, you expose yourself to bullies) and it's positive. Advice like swearing at people if they bother you (which many psycologists have told me, believe it or not) is BAD advice.

I think to make friends it's necessary to enter the social arena (as i call it), and thus necessary to have some way to protect yourself from people who might be looking to hurt you. Acting confident deters bullies and if people think you have friends, they hesitate to single you out as a victim for fear of offending other people.


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