The Journey to the Good Life (AS, Coping and Learning)

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Hey there everyone.

I would have posted this in the Coping with life section, but since this is a matter of coping with everything in general, I couldn't specify where to put it. Therefore I hope that this will be welcome on the General section.

I mean to use this post to share with you my journey towards getting my life back on track for good. It is my hope that many of you can relate to me and thereby learn about themselves, giving lots of good clues where to start looking inward and develop. My life is one of doubt in abundance, a trait that I believe we share more than anyone. I'm dealing with so much procrastination that I'm outright surprised my heart is still beating. I am now 7 months into my crisis and still working with myself. Now I come online to share my journey, because I'm beginning to ask the right questions; the questions that I can use to get back on track.

I just had a few minutes starting to procrastinate about starting this post. "If I post this, I'd have to post every tiny bit of information to make sense?" and "You know, there are probably not 'that' many inhere that can use this for anything.. they'd probably get bored, you might aswell stop now" and many other thoughts like them had a chance to fill me with doubt, but for this once I won't let them. Truth is, I only need to share very few specifics to make my pointe, and if these postings would just help even 1 single person inhere get his life on track with me... I'd be doing the right thing.

I'd be doing something!

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First, let me refer to my first post inhere, from months back. Back then I was lost in the blackest pits on doubt. I had worries how many it dragged down with it, but luckily, I can use it to refer to these new posts. There are more than 2 sides to any 1 thing.

Please search this forum for "An Aspies insight of Aspergers Syndrome" (I wasent allowed to post links, but I hope you find it).

Since then, I've been using alot of time looking inwards. I've been reading about the Enneagram in search of relation to my situation (I'm definatly a Perfectionist) and other things like paradigms, procrastination and so on. I've found incredible amout if information on Wikipedia and youtube on these topics, I strongly recommend using them. In any case, I've come to believe that Anxiety alone (pretty simple) is the reason for everything related to keeping ourselves back.

Now, I'd like to share the very few but very accurate statements on my part. They sum up the reasons for my doubts, my procrastination. It tells me the reason why I fall into dispair over and over again. It is these statements that I'll be using next in battling that stupid anxiety that is the reason for the pain I cause myself by being alive.

My negative Paradigms:
these are my current paradigms, that traps me into myself.

- To me, WORK is a SAD DUTY that you MUST be towing with to gain acceptance as a wellfunctioning and productive human being in our society (this includes EVERY kind of work, as soon as it is work. NO EXCEPTIONS WHATSOEVER. I've always reguarded my choirsinging as a hobby and never as work - I love singing with my choir, never had problems, so I've used this countless times to compare with the things I DO have trouble with).

- To me, as a perfectionist, it's "All or nothing!" and it shows in everything I do: work, play, socially, mentally, physically; in fun and seriousness and everything in between and beyond (My emotional resources and paradigms are so perfect unified, that I am not able to override anything, when I'm concentrating on something else. I'm always 100% myself; in the choir, at work, with friends, in any context, no exceptions).

- My interest and my willpower is linked 100%, no exceptions. If I am to do something, my emotional wellbeing is dependant on my level of interest in the subject. When the fear seems greater than the gain, my interest falls dormant and withdraws.


The realistic truth:

"Less is not just good, it is downright perfect!"

"The fear is doing its job exactly as it should. If you do not have power in an area, the fear takes power. This power is determined by focus: 'Can/want' or 'Can't/don't want'."


People always tell me that I have a gift to explain things and put context to the pointe. If it's a gift for me as an Aspie, then it's a gift I've developed from months on end of dispair and anxiety; the terror of not knowing "why do I fall into dispair over and over again???" has driven me to focus on getting to the pointe. I WANT to know WHY I fall into dispair over and over again. So there we have it. One of my most frequent ways of explaining greater contexts is using metaphors. The one I use for explaining Anxiety is a Schoolyard with kids. I'll use this one now to explain how I view life and the freedom I should have (but is denied) from anxiety:

Life is a schoolyard and you're the kid (the main person). It's full of exiting things to do, alot of friends to get to know and play different games with. Everything represents the oppertunities and trials of life here. I'm the kid - What's my story? I don't play well with any of the toys (according to my own taste) and this agitation makes me a target for the Bully - the bully is my Fear. He sees my weakness and is all over me pronto. He's going to punch me if I don't hand him my lunchmoney. There are 3 ways to deal with Fear: 1) obey it to have it go away (this is the easy way for those that don't feel content in general. Sadly, this submition only ensures that it comes again tomorrow at the same time), Attack it (only the desperate does this, causing harm to oneself or others. Consequenses are imminent), or work around it (the best and most efficient way. However I don't feel content with anything or anyone else, I have no higher ground to claim, so I don't feel I have that option. It will also be hard for me to trust any good advices that involves 'turning my back' to the bully, because he threatens to punch me). One important pointe to metaphors is to know what represents what. My fear - the bully - is 'not' to be mistaken for some tangible; fear is a part of you, not someone else that you can rationally get revenge on at any level. It's like a program in the Matrix, programmed to keep order on some level. And it does have an important use. The bully claims territory (in my example, it claims all but the spot I stand on as it's territory, which isen't fun or healthy for a kid who needs to play and have fun), but it also claims territory over the workshed with all the dangerous gardening equipment; claims territory at the exit of the schoolyard leading ou the the high traffic road. This is the essential function of fear: it keeps us safe. But it's mechanics means it will start bullying whereever we feel uneasy.

The best balance for me would be to find a way to enjoy my toys, so I feel content playing in the sandbox and start playing with the others. The bully won't borther me then, if I seem content and ready to answer back (really, bullies are weak when it comes to the point).



I try to keep it short (hopelessly), but I hope it's not too heavy material to read?

Anyways, I'd like to cover one more thing for now. In my time it has always been important to me that I figured out things for myself. As I wrote before, I am not content simply to 'trust' someone's advice to work around the bully, because it involves turning my back to it. I have a nigh-unquenchable thirst after 'knowing for sure' how exactly things work in praxis. It's tied to my perfectionism that I can't handle even small failures under my current circumstances. I should note that I can be very naive to new concepts that seems plausible with my own beliefs, making it hard for me to scrutinize the differences/flaws etc. untill some time has passed (however it is a very powerful way of learning everything about something new, both in a detail and in the greater context, in no time). What I mean to say with this is, that I've always felt compelled to focus on the problem itself to learn how it works. We do know now, from the metaphor, that focusing on the problem brings about the problem, but I've taken this journey and shared it so that you may relate and hopefully find these answers more quickly than i have. Because only when you learn the real questions.. only then, are you reasy to seek the real answers (again, I'm a perfectionist, but I do believe that AS and Autism helps develop perfectionism in childhood as according to the enneagram).



As time goes by, I will post inhere (editing this original post to keep you informed) about my progress from what I've written inhere. I hope you enjoyed reading and/or found some relation to yourself that will prove useful for winning back your own life.


Best Reguards in the world.
Stefan B. - Danish Aspie, that just wont give up.