Autism/Asperger children help

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How many of you are parents of Autistic children?
Now, how many of you are parents of Asperger children?
And my last question, do you or your spouse have Asperger's as well?
Me and my bf were talking, just about random things, because talking is very important in a relationship, in my opinion, so we talk about everything. And children had popped up as a topic. He tells me that we would never be able to have a child because he has Asperger's and that it would just hurt me. I'm a very loving person, and I love to care for things. I love kids, especially little toddlers. ^^ He says that it would just be a horrible idea, and that he doesn't want another him running around because he doesn't want me to get hurt. He also says that it would be awful to do that to a child. But what are your opinions? Does your child love you? How's your relationship? Is it hard? Is it easy? Do you find yourself stressed every day? How do they act? I want to know exactly what it's like, so no "softening the blow", if there even is a hard blow. I need to know. I'd love to be able to have a child, but he says it'd be a bad decision. What do you think? Please let me know.

1. My son has Aspergers, lightly affected. The comorbid of loose joints causes more issues than the AS.
2. I believe my spouse is light AS as well. And my father. It does tend to be genetic.
3. I have the most amazing child in the world, and we both have a fantastic relationship with him. He is loving, he is brilliant, and he takes a lot of extra time and work. Meltdowns/tantrums are hard, very hard, but the more you understand about AS, the more likely you can prevent them, and also teach your child self-monitoring skills. Childcare was hard; AS kids tend to do poorly in group environments. Public school can be hard, but my son has been blessed so far, and the main problem is dealing with his writing disability. My relationship with my spouse is up and down but that is true for many parents trying to raise kids - raising kids is exhausting, and raising one with special needs even more so. But I still wouldn't trade my amazing son for anything in the world. It is a privilege to know him, and to have the duty of caring for him. Even if there have been huge periods of time I want to hide and cry, cry, cry. Such is the gift of parenting, it's like a rose with thorns. But you still want to hold that rose.

I do hear on these forums quite a bit that adults with AS really don't want to pass it on. I guess it depends on what goes along with it, and what their experience has been like. I have a happy child, very content with who he is, content with the gifts and burdens that AS brings, and content with the treatment he has encountered in the world. Not every person affected with AS feels the same. It helps a lot that my son has no issues with depression or obsessive compulsiveness.

I also understand that an AS raising an AS is both a benefit and a burden. AS tend to have sensory issues and kids do a very good job of rubbing those sensory issues raw, and totally stressing the AS parent out. My son needs to pace to calm himself; my AS husband gets stressed watching him pace. Makes an interesting equation. But, flip side, there are times my husband has this perfect insight in our son. So ...

You can't go into parenting with a math equation about how it will all turn out. There is no way to know, and no one is ever really prepared for the reality of it, whether or not any of the children are on the spectrum. It can't be predicted in any way, shape or form. You are either open to that, or you are not.

I think the real problem is that your boyfriend isn't open to it. AS like their world ordered and running by a script. Can't have that when you become a parent.

I'm honored to be talking to you, honestly. You must put up with so much, but you love them enough to do it all. I really want to be able to have that, to have a child that loves you, and you can see them grow and enjoy life. But... I understand when you say that it'd mess up his order of life. It would be hectic for him. I know him enough to know that. You just can't get rid of that want to have one, though. It's hard, knowing that you wouldn't be able to have one. But I love him now, so he's my main concern. I need to focus on him and his needs for perfection, not mine.
Still, I'm just amazed that you live with all that. Luke *my bf* has had a meltdown or 2 before, and they were scary... but he's very well along on the "normalcy" level. How did your husband react to the idea of children? Was he okay with it? Did he have fears of your son being like him?

Well... if you are that worried about getting an autistic child, but still want a child, you could always adopt one. Get married, get to know each other for a few years, and if you still want a child, that isnt autistic, then adopt one thats 3+ years old with no signs of autism. That probably sounds bad, but it makes sense.

You would be providing the adopted child a good home, and you would get the child you want without the risk of autism, win-win.

there are no guarantees in life. my hubby has AS, I do not. Out of our 3 children, we have 1 NT, 1 AS & 1 suspected AS. We love them all because they are unique individuals & just because they are ours. at times life has been difficult. at times life has been easy. we have managed to thrive despite the adversity we've been faced with- and i don't mean AS.
before you get married or think about having children, the most important question to discuss and analyze is how you deal with adversity. my hubby and i have managed to stay married for 16 years. oftentimes, we just wanted to give up because the stress was just too much. we've persevered . One of the most important traits to have as a married couple is the willingness to face difficulty & come up with a plan together to solve/deal with the problem.

oooh...almost forgot....compromise. the ability to compromise is invaluable....

ster has really nailed it! The only thing I would add is that it really helps if your partner and you can temper each other, by which I mean, when one of you is at the end of your rope (for whatever reason), the other can be the voice of reason. That balance can be especially critical if you decide to have children. If you support each other by getting each other's "crazies" into a frenzied spiral, it won't be a good long term environment for either of you, let alone for a child. This is part of what ster was talking about (I would guess) when she was talking about how you deal with adversity.

As far as the children themselves go - of our bio kids, we have one NT, one AS; we've had joys and worries with both and expect that to continue. We wouldn't trade either of them (or our adopted child) for anything. Our adopted child is NT and has a whole other bag of issues stemming from early childhood trauma. Adopting an older child isn't like adopting a dog = older children come with serious issues, so you'd be trading the possibility of autism for the almost certainty of something else, albeit unknown (including possible AS, which is generally not diagnosed until a child is a bit older). Adopting is great, but not to avoid autism. There, too, there were joys and huge (enormous!! !) worries. This child is now grown and is doing really well, glad to say, possibly against all odds. My husband isn't AS, but has lots of "features!" He isn't prone to meltdowns, so we never had to deal with that part of the issue.

1. Child was initially dx with Autism and recently dx with PDD-NOS. The person dxing stating that he most likely will be relabeled as AS later.

2. Husband most likely has undx Aspergers or at least meets most of the criteria.

3. My oldest child with ASD loves so much he just shows it in a different way. I am a very sensitive caring person and it hasn't hurt me at all in that aspect. When he was younger, it did hurt a little because he didn't make eye contact with me or show any separation anxiety like other infants. He was more interested in the world around him. You know what? I wouldn't change him for the world. His incessant talking sometimes drives me bonkers but that is him. My youngest child is NT - I think. He is my challenging child. He climbs everything and requires so much attention all the time. I can't turn my back for a second, not even one second. I stress out more from him than my ASD son.

It sounds like your BF has a lot of hurt from his past and doesn't want his offspring to experience the same thing. Is it possible to have some counseling with someone who understands AS? I feel really bad for him. It sounds like the issues run really deep.

When it comes to the decision to have children, I think ignorance is often bliss. My husband had no idea he was AS, he did know he had issues from growing up, but he saw what he called my natural warmth and thought the trait could buffer things well enough for any children we might have. I'm not like his parents or his siblings. We really had no idea that any of the things that have haunted his life could have a genetic base. He hadn't thought much about children, which is true for many men, and basically only formed the idea that it could be cool after we got serious, and he knew I wanted them.

I think any dad enjoys having a child like himself, to an extent .... the good parts of themselves. My husband has a lot more difficulty watching our son blissfully play horribly at soccer than I do. We get our son on non-competitive teams with really understanding coaches, and he really enjoys playing, and has little concept of how completely untalented he is at it. But it brings up old hurts for my husband. On the flip side, when our son takes an interest in science and math and history and engineering ... I can see how much my husband loves sharing all that with him.

I'm not sure many people would become parents at all if they fully understood what all the difficulties were going to be. Even if you know it is going to enrich you as a person, to take all that on with complete insight into what is going to go wrong would be terrifying. In today's world, we have so much information that it sometimes seems like a wonder anyone is willing to move an inch off the sofa least something difficult occur. And, yet, we do.

I think the advice you got from other posters about developing a strong relationship is very good. And Natesmom is probably right about the issues your boyfriend is harboring; his working on those would be good. The relationship between the two of you is the core of everything that happens from now on, assuming this relationship is permanent and meant to be. A good relationship allows us to become our better selves. And you won't know what that will mean for either of you until you have traveled further down the road.