Arbitrary Rules

Post Reply New Topic

Last night I was talking to a girl I just met. She says that a girl shouldn't start cuddling a guy if he doesn't like her. I said, "What if he does like her but doesn't say it?" I'll give you an example:

There are two people named John and Mary who are presumed to be friends. Mary is developing a crush on John. According to my friend, Mary shouldn't cuddle John unless she's sure he likes her. My friend says that if John liked Mary he would cuddle her. I said, "But you told me people shouldn't cuddle unless they know the other person likes them. Here is the rest of our conversation as follws:

Her: That rule only applies to girls

Me: Oh, I get it. In our society men are expected to initiate things. The guy is supposed to ask the girl out not the other way around. Men are supposed to propose marriage. The only time a woman can propose is on Leap Year Day February 29th.

Her: I think that's stupid. A woman should be able to proposeany time, not just once every four years.

Me: Do you also think girls can ask guys out instead of waiting to be asked?

Her: sure

Me: So let me get this straight. You think it's okay for women to buck tradition and ask guys out and propose to them. But you still don't think that a girl should cuddle unless the guy starts it first?

At this point my friend tells me that I must have been born without the "girl gene". She says these are things that girls "just know." This baffled me. I understand basic rules of courtesy. Don't be rude, don't hit people etc. But it seems that there are so many arbitrary rules out there. So what's your opinion? Do you think she's right that girls can ask guys out, propose, but not initiate cuddling? I'm so confused.

I'm confused... I can't think of an instance where a guy would allow a girl to cuddle with him if he didn't like her.

Ha! In that case I wish there were more girls born without this "girl gene". I'm a boy born without the "boy gene" to tell me what the proper approach is to these situations, so it would be to my advantage if the girls didn't understand it either. It would even the playing field, so to speak.

The graveyards are full of men who have tried to figure out women (and the reverse...

I don't see a problem with cuddling, unless the guy clearly indicates he doesn't like it.

It's a bad idea to initiate that kind of physical contact with someone unless you know they like you. Would you cuddle a stranger?

Also, I've seen plenty of girls initiate cuddling. I've seen the guys they do it to flattered and quite pleased (for some, it's more of a flirting technique - and it works). Seems fine as long as you're getting at least a few signs that the guy likes/is attracted to you.

Adam Ant - "You can't set rules about love":

I feel suspended in space
In another time and place
To talk would burst the bubble
Just want to lie next to you
And appreciate the view
And hope it lasts forever

We do not have to play games
Or listen to all the names
They have for Russian roulette
If it's good enough for the Gemini Guys
Then it's good enough for me

You can't set rules about love
You can't set rules about love

So the I becomes we
We make our own chemistry
To move is too much trouble
I hope we won't separate
Return to our normal state
As long as we're together

So if it's yes or it's no
Chime time says the radio
Why don't you kiss me deadly
If and when you slip away
Just don't let me hear you say
Good morning and goodbye

-Adam Ant (1980's song)

I think that the girl doesn't want to run the risk of being rejected, so wants to wait until the boy makes the first move. That puts all the pressure on the boy to risk the rejection. I don't think the girl has thought this out completely because it sounds like she has a sense of fairness, but just hasn't thought out this part of it.

Merle

No. I think she's bullshitting you with the whole "girl gene" thing. It's just something she's not comfortable with. IMO it is perfectly acceptable for a girl to not only initiate cuddling, but to also initiate kissing and even sex with a guy she likes.