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theotherle
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16 Oct 2008, 4:42 am

When I get angry, I never show it outwardly, so I can't really understand this. My boyfriend breaks things (more specifically, only things he likes) when he's really stressed or annoyed with something. I mostly get that he can't help it, but it scares me a little. I have issues with people - men especially, who lose their temper easily. I wouldn't go so far as to say I feel threatened... it's unpleasant though. Not to mention that I'm worried that once we live together, it will be our stuff that ends up destroyed.

Anyone else do this? Any ideas for ways he can channel his anger into something less destructive?



Sora
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16 Oct 2008, 6:02 am

A simple punching bag and the will to try and take it out on a punching bag instead of taking it out at walls, stuff really helps some people.


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16 Oct 2008, 9:56 am

Well I'm NOT suggesting this for you since you're already scared, but I used to slash up garbage. Cardboard and aluminum cans are the most satisfying, and you can still recycle them if you're into that.

My ex used to destroy stuff whan he was mad, I found it a little scary too, so I get what you mean.
I'm going to agree with the cheap punching bag idea, I think it's a good one.



Keith
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16 Oct 2008, 10:08 am

I used to be like that. My DVD player kept on switching between TV and Player. It was really testing my patience, and I was being as patient as I could until one day, it randomly switched and I elbowed it so hard, it shorted out the unit and tripped the switch. Opened it up and there was a nice scorch mark on it.

I tried everything to fix it, new cables, etc. I can lose my temper still, but I learn to try to think things over before I go into rage mode.
Other times I just walk away and come back to the problem or do something else to relax, classical music sends me into a fast building rage, calms some people, enrages me.

Maybe worth trying to get him into acknowledging the problem so you can help each other



tomboy4good
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16 Oct 2008, 10:30 am

I have been known to get destructive in the past due to anger. Now, I just let my imagination run wild. For example, I was getting frustrated by my computer. Instead of destroying it, I visualized taking it out on the landing & tossing it over the side of the railing down to the first floor (I lived on the 3rd floor). I could actually imagine it hitting the pavement below with a satisfying crash, the case breaking apart, & spewing its circuitry around for several feet beyond. Just imagining it helped me not to lash out at the computer for "misbehaving."

I think this could be something that adoptable in most circumstances. I still want to physically hurt things...even myself sometimes, but the visualization helps me out a lot with this.


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16 Oct 2008, 10:32 am

The only time when I will take my anger out on something is because someone has TRUELY pushed me over the ledge.
For example recently I had a doctors appointment, and my dad wanted us to get there over a half an hour early for no logical reason at all. Last time this happened we ended up sitting in a very crowded waiting room for over an hour cause my doctor was late and it drove me crazy! There was no way I would let that happen again so I refused to do it. Then he came right up to my ear and started yelling into it at the top of his lungs like he had an actual reason to be that angry at me. This lasted for almost 3 minutes until I had enough and ended up screaming louder than I ever had: "f**k YOU!! !!". Then he was like "durrr" and we left my room and when he was in the hallway, I ran back into my room and tried to close/lock the door but I was too late and he slammed it open and started to charge towards me. So I yelled "What you wanna fight or something? I'm not afraid of you!" So then after a while of more yelling I got tired of it, walked downstairs and I suddenly lost it, and I swung both my fists into this framed picture on the wall that was covered in a sheet of glass. The glass shattered everywhere and got all stuck in my arm and hand and I was bleeding everywhere. Theres still glass in my finger, it hurts when I press on it but I don't know how I'm supposed to get it out... Or if I'm just supposed to leave it there. :?



SKOREAPV83
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16 Oct 2008, 10:59 am

I used to break things when I was a kid. I have earlier in adulthood too. I have been out to prove that I was NEVER a psych patient. NOT all who have AS are psych patients.

I used to break lightbulbs when I'd get pissed off. One, two, anger I'm through. Then I'd get out the vacuum & suck up all the broken glass. But now that CFLs are becoming so popular, I can't let myself break one of them. The mercury will f*** my brain up good. I quit using standard incandescent lightbulbs years ago. I gotta use CFLs to save on my electric bill.

As for punching bags, I found something better than a punching bag for myself. It's called the Power Target Pro, & it's 2 wall-mount punching targets. They might cost $730, but the price will NEVER be enough to deter me from wanting to save up & buy it.

http://www.everythingfitness.com/bx-hv-80.html

I even started to break other materials than just glass when I was pissed off. One of my former Deaf-Blind friends in South Lebanon, OH called me & criticized me in all the wrong ways then hung up on me. I told her just before she hung up on me that she's full of s***. Then I almost broke my TTY. Luckily I found some wood & glass to break & broke that instead.

Regardless of the fact 99.99% of things I'd break when I was mad were mine, when I was a kid, my parents always tried to restrain me when I'd break things. I beat the s*** out of both of 'em. I NEVER treat women any different than I treat men, so don't ever tell me I should "never hit a female". I don't give a f***! If a woman is trying to unlawfully restrain me, I will hit her!



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16 Oct 2008, 12:33 pm

My family has been through this issue and it is NOT healthy behavior. Your boyfriend needs to learn a better way to channel and express his anger, and counseling or anger management training can help him with that.

Breaking things is considered an emotionally abusive and controlling behavior. It does affect the people around the person, even if they think they are only harming themselves, and induces certain actions and responses from them. Someone who does this can progress into other types of abusive behavior, if the situations in their life get more difficult to deal with. As a result, your boyfriend needs to understand now that it is unacceptable, and that he needs to get to the root of it now, and find more acceptable outlets.

That may sound harsh, but when you've seen glass smashing in front of your children, you will understand how out of control the person with this tendency really is. Your boyfriend can and should work on it with professional help.


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theotherle
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16 Oct 2008, 4:04 pm

Thanks for the replies.

As far as I know, the breaking incidents have only happened a few times in the last year. It wasn't always about anger though. More like being misunderstood, or annoyed at an object. I can only remember the last time clearly. I was on the phone with him. We got cut off and when I dialled him back, it didn't work because he had broken his phone in frustration. He called me back from the other line and simply said "I smashed my phone." I also saw it as emotionally abusive and controlling - and told him so. Then I asked about the reasons for it. He said that it used to happen a lot more when he was a kid, that it has to be something he likes (and only something of his own), or else it doesn't count, and that if he tries to stop himself, it can be worse (I think he ends up cutting himself, but it's more of an uncontrollable momentary urge to be punished somehow than typical depressed behavior). He hasn't done this since he promised not to, but we've never even had a real fight, so I don't believe this is the end of it. He acknowledges that there is a problem, but doesn't like talking about it. He finds it embarrassing.

Imagining the actions instead of carrying them out may be helpful... The punching bag sounds like a good idea too, but not sure it would work since he wouldn't feel any attachment to it or that it was the cause of his frustration.



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16 Oct 2008, 5:42 pm

breaking things is common in auties and aspies,for some,it can be to take it out on a non breathing object but they are in a meltdown state and cant control it,for others,it can be to attack living objects with-to take it out on them-whatever is going on in head.
am know lots of other auties who do it-one only had a bed and sofa in her room because she would destroy everything else.

am uncontrollably trash things for different reasons it can be in meltdowns,through not being able to communicate,through what am told is called 'frustration',through not being well.....this happens every week.
last week it happened to be a CRT monitor [not used,but kept],a table,part of the wall,a computer chair,some draws and a tall fan that got destroyed,the screen lid of this laptop got a little damaged [become loose] and part of the laptop table has come off.
am restrained during meltdown by a staff team but am said to be extremely strong whether in meltdown or not.


theotherle,
could his breaking things be partly to do with it being one of the only things he can control in his life? am do this but in other ways [not eating when getting used to new staff/things as is only thing can control but is not to affect anyone else].


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ooOoOoOAnaOoOoOoo
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16 Oct 2008, 5:47 pm

That's a tough one. I used to live with someone who acted that way, my mother. She had a terrible temper, would yell, hit, throw, break. It was really rough on my CNS putting up with all that. I am far too fragile.
I couldn't deal with someone who acted that way in my refuge.



theotherle
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16 Oct 2008, 6:09 pm

KingdomOfRats wrote:
could his breaking things be partly to do with it being one of the only things he can control in his life? am do this but in other ways [not eating when getting used to new staff/things as is only thing can control but is not to affect anyone else].


You may be onto something there. It does tend to happen when something has "gotten in the way" (and therefore, must be removed).