Single... again.... Depressed.... again.... Lonely.... again

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PhillipJFry
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28 Nov 2008, 6:46 pm

I agree with Eaglejoe. Why is it that women don't tell us what they want? They just drop subtle hints and we are expected to read their minds. I mean are we mind readers? Are we Charles Xavier or Jean Grey. Ladies if you want something from us JUST SAY SO



Orbyss
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28 Nov 2008, 7:40 pm

Eaglejoe wrote:
Guess its time for me to just give up... Im single again... My Girl just broke it off with me over the phone, same old, its not you its me excuse i get... too much stuff going on in life right now, just cant handle this, why????? Why is it, every time I finally start to open myself up, and come out of my shell, I scare people off? Should I just close off and be a hermit again? I finally had someone who was starting to understand me, but yet again it seems most people just cant handle me... but they always say its not me, its them... yeah, right... ya cantg handle a guy whos actually sensitive, who wont read into othert people flirting with him cuz he just ignores it, you never have to worry about him cheating, cuz im not that type... whats so wrong with me that people cant handle me??? I know I have AS, and Im just Finding out how to cope with it.... ahh well... Ill just crawl into a hole now....
-A Lonely, Depressed Aspie...


Well, what are you like? Can you explain how you act, especially in relationships? Are you violent at all, or lash out with anger, even if it's not physical?

Do you listen to your girlfriends' problems, or what they have to say? Do you allow them to walk all over you, or are you even aware you may be letting this happen?

There are so many intricacies in relationships, it's hard to know what sets off who, especially if one or both sides aren't terribly aware of what they're doing or feeling. In that way, NTs are just as bad as anyone else, no matter how they're viewed on here.

I just gave relationship advice to my ex's co-worker and friend last night. It's surprisingly easy to see, without really even knowing the two people involved, the dynamics making their relationship total ass. Neither of them seem aware. That's not to blame them, necessarily -- no one is raised to know much about themselves, but rather douse it in a thick soup of ideals--what they should be. The same goes for those with AS as well, best I can tell.

This culture is all about a certain image, for the most part, and that's exactly what people learn to uphold. That image is, to put it bluntly, generally total BS. Cultural neuroticism reigns supreme, and the avoidance of any confrontation leads to a whole buttload of deceit.

When a woman, or even man, says, "It's not you, it's me," chances are they're just bullshitting and avoiding confrontation. However, other reasons may be that they genuinely don't know what they're feeling, or are very confused about themselves, their capabilities and their own desires. I'd say this is a really common reason for that line, too.

To sum up, there are lots of reasons people do what they do, and they're not always aware of those reasons. My advice: learn yourself as completely as possible, and then learn others, though whatever means you can. I firmly believe that's the ticket to a more workable relationship.

From a personal standpoint, your story makes me sad. I feel for you, and I get a good idea how it feels. But still, know there are other people out there who aren't quite so lost to the ideal of society, or their own confusion. Maybe you're just barking up all the wrong trees, when you're really looking for rare species of mushroom -- the kind that doesn't look so hot, but can give you all sorts of experiences and understanding.
;)



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02 Dec 2008, 12:07 pm

Hah. This will come back to haunt me, but wtfe.

Join the club. I just got dumped for a variety of stupid reasons (currently armouring up to kick some balls into telling the truth) - but this is the reverse. I'm the NT, and I'm the girl. Awesome huh?

It's events like these that show you who you can trust, and who your true friends are.



AutisticMalcontent
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06 Dec 2008, 1:49 pm

Eaglejoe wrote:
Guess its time for me to just give up... Im single again... My Girl just broke it off with me over the phone, same old, its not you its me excuse i get... too much stuff going on in life right now, just cant handle this, why????? Why is it, every time I finally start to open myself up, and come out of my shell, I scare people off? Should I just close off and be a hermit again? I finally had someone who was starting to understand me, but yet again it seems most people just cant handle me... but they always say its not me, its them... yeah, right... ya cantg handle a guy whos actually sensitive, who wont read into othert people flirting with him cuz he just ignores it, you never have to worry about him cheating, cuz im not that type... whats so wrong with me that people cant handle me??? I know I have AS, and Im just Finding out how to cope with it.... ahh well... Ill just crawl into a hole now....
-A Lonely, Depressed Aspie...


A bit cliche', but "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all". You have already done well by coming out of your shell, there is no need to go back into it again. You had a gf, something that MANY of the guys on here never really had. Consider yourself lucky mate, and try again. I am 22 years old and I've been single all my life, and I'm still trying because I have nothing left to lose. If I can keep trying, despite the odds, so can you. :) Good luck!



Blatherskite
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06 Dec 2008, 1:59 pm

AutisticMalcontent wrote:

A bit cliche', but "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all". You have already done well by coming out of your shell, there is no need to go back into it again. You had a gf, something that MANY of the guys on here never really had. Consider yourself lucky mate, and try again. I am 22 years old and I've been single all my life, and I'm still trying because I have nothing left to lose. If I can keep trying, despite the odds, so can you. :) Good luck!


Yeah man, chin up. At least you've had a girlfriend. All I've had are a few f**ks. That should really show your maturity and my lack thereof.



Shale
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06 Dec 2008, 5:14 pm

*hugs OP* Moar thoughts time...

We all have some stink relationships from time to time. And when we're the dumpee, not the dumper, it often leaves us wanting to stab a knife into our wrists or something equally as emo. The rejection and lack of control over the situation is what hurts the most; betrayal, waste of time and resources, waste of trust...you name it, we all feel it at some stage.

But not all people are the same; there will be someone out there that will gladly handle you opening up so long as they can open up to you too. It's just finding them. It takes time, experiment, and unfortunately, heartbreak.

It can happen if you let it, however. Ignore my sadsack case here (of aspie dumping NT girl :(), I can give you TWO first-hand success cases of happy couples... AS/NT couples at that! :D Another forum I lurk on (racing forum for girls, shoosh)...the main moderator is an AS guy with an awesome girlfriend...they are both incredibly happy and work with BOTH of their quirks to make things happen. Yeah...a good NT partner will quickly realise that they too have quirks ;) The other is a happy marriage, on the same forum, between one of the members and an aspie that's unfortunately been sent off to fight in the war. She misses him terribly, right down to having to do things EXACTLY right in regards to organisation etc so he doesn't freak out. Thankfully they're BOTH somewhat obsessive-compulsive, so it sort of works out well.

They don't even necessarily have THAT much in common. From what I hear, only the forum member half of the relationship in both cases is into cars and racing. The other not so much.

But it's just two examples of how with a bit of luck, a lot of determination and a strong heart, you can finally find someone that is right for you, and that will love you dearly :) Neither couple is young, they're all in their 30's at least...but life isn't THAT short, is it? ;)




...I have NO IDEA how I'm managing to sound positive about relationships right now, since mine's in pieces and so am I... -____-;; But I am. Weird.



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06 Dec 2008, 5:57 pm

Blatherskite wrote:
Isn't NT New Technology?

Yup



Eaglejoe
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09 Dec 2008, 1:02 am

Oddly enough, the Ex-wife and i have been in touch too... it seems that if i had opened myself up, and admitted that I had AS instead of hiding it.. things may have worked differently.. Oh well.. it just goes to show... damned if ya do, damned if ya don't... on a more positive note... Im at least starting to work with my quirks, and figure them out so I can better cope in life, THis whole situation has really forced me to sit back and look at myself, and hopefully I will come out of the situation a better person because of it. I've been reading a lot more lately, and found a really good book by John Michael Carley, founder. and CEO of GRASP (imho a much better org than aut. speaks, at least they have autistics, and he is AS), its called aspegers from the inside out... its really helping a lot, and I think Im going to try and find some support structure before i move forward in any direction... only problem with that is this is a rural area.. not much around here to go to...



Jwa
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09 Dec 2008, 7:27 am

Shale wrote:


...I have NO IDEA how I'm managing to sound positive about relationships right now, since mine's in pieces and so am I... -____-;; But I am. Weird.


:) You don't sound weird, you sound cool! Like the positive attitude!

Oh, Hugs and hope your friends are giving you plenty of tlc. I find chocolate always helps! :)



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10 Dec 2008, 8:07 am

Eaglejoe wrote:
Guess its time for me to just give up... Im single again... My Girl just broke it off with me over the phone, same old, its not you its me excuse i get... too much stuff going on in life right now, just cant handle this, why????? Why is it, every time I finally start to open myself up, and come out of my shell, I scare people off? Should I just close off and be a hermit again? I finally had someone who was starting to understand me, but yet again it seems most people just cant handle me... but they always say its not me, its them... yeah, right... ya cantg handle a guy whos actually sensitive, who wont read into othert people flirting with him cuz he just ignores it, you never have to worry about him cheating, cuz im not that type... whats so wrong with me that people cant handle me??? I know I have AS, and Im just Finding out how to cope with it.... ahh well... Ill just crawl into a hole now....
-A Lonely, Depressed Aspie...


I'm sorry to hear that. I got the whole 'it's not you it me' thing or more specifically 'maybe I'm just not a good boyfriend'. I even got accused of cheating. Me? A social misfit - cheat? Looking back I can see he dropped me a lot of hints too. I hate when people do that.
Don't give up. You'll date again.
I've been through hell these last 2 months. I've been trying to get him back or at least wanting to hang out as friends.
Once again I'm sorry, but don't give up. You'll meet someone else, someone better.



Kimmish
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11 Dec 2008, 3:37 pm

Joe,

I tried to tell you time and time again that things were going downhill. I could not have been any more blunt and clear with you. It is not my fault that you didn't listen to me. Whenever I tried to talk about our problems and work them out, you just wanted to change the subject to "something less depressing" (or just obnoxiously yawn into the phone). And by the way, if you really loved me, you would have tried to win me back when I was breaking up with you. You didn't even put up a fight. Instead, all you said was "maybe our relationship isn't worth saving." Ouch. I mean, geez I actually loved you! And I believed you loved me as well. You told me time and time again how you wanted a life together with me and then you just go and give me up without a fight? I mean what was up with that!?

Also, you told me you got divorced in late August, not July as you posted. Once again, please get your story straight... and don't sit there and tell me "i can't remember" because, well, it was a divorce, how could you forget something like that.

The reason I broke up with you was NOT because of your Aspergers. In fact, I did a great deal of research trying to understand your condition and support you. I even joined this website, for crying out loud. The breakup had absolutely [b]NOTHING to do with your aspergers. [/b] I am not shallow by any means and would [b]never dump someone because of their condition. So before you go and blast me all over the internet, you might want to get your facts and story straight.

I broke up with you because I wanted to focus on getting my life set up and my personal goals accomplished. I couldn't do that while I was with you because I was constantly loosing sleep at night worrying about our issues. The problems we were having we beginning to affect and disrupt my life, so I had to stop it before it got worse. It was not something I wanted to do, it was something I had to do. It took me a month to come to the conclusion that I needed to break up with you, let alone work up the nerve, and it wasn't easy. I wasn't looking forward to it at all, but I needed to do it. I was trying to let you down easy so that you might feel less pain.

I think that before all else, you should get your life back up and going as well. I will not go into specifics, but I think it would be wise if you got back on your own two feet first before you go and jump into another relationship. You have some things going on in your life, issues, that you really need to work on first. For one thing, you might just want to take some "downtime" from the dating scene to allow yourself to fully heal from your divorce, because even though you said you were over her, I think your wounds are still a bit sore. If they weren't, you would not have posted a "why does every girl do this to me" kind of rant. You can take my words of advice or leave them, it's up to you. Either way, you need to get back on your feet again.

Furthermore, the problems of what was our relationship hurt me enough, but this? Really ouch. If you have something to say to me, you can talk to me about it first like a mature human being. Considering I was very supportive of you in your endeavors, despite all that you went through I stood by your side and this is how you repay me? I mean, what did I ever do to you that was so terrible that you had to go and put me down like this, in front of the whole world nonetheless? I never understood why you can't just tell me things and be upfront and real with me. I won't lie to you, not even now after the fact. I'll swear to that. If you have something to say to me, just say it. Don't hide from me, because you don't have to do that. I won't judge you because I'm just not like that. I don't need to put others down. And if you think otherwise, then that's all you, not me.

I did the best I could to be by your side, support you and love you. I was always honest with you, no matter what. I was always true to you, even at the beginning when you were still finishing things up with that online fling with that girl from Texas, I stayed with you and gave you the benefit of the doubt. I tried to help you figure things out with your aspergers syndrome that you couldn't understand. I was there for you. You asked the Lord for a girl with good morals intact, and for some reason unbeknownst to me, you just let me go.

If that's not worth it to you, then maybe you don't deserve a good girl like me.

And finally, I don't hate you. I'm hurt, yes, but I don't hate you. And if you want to talk to me about this, then fine I'm open to that. You have my number. But don't go blasting me all over the internet like this. Talk to me first like a decent, mature human being.

Sincerely,
Kim



Eaglejoe
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12 Dec 2008, 12:33 am

Eaglejoe wrote:
Heh... my ex-wife walked out on me june 07, divorced july 08, was finally getting into something new, where i was opening myself as a person... but once people startt to understand me, they run away, or atleast when an nt triews to apply her values to my wierd, err quirks,,, they run cuz they dont understand...

Too late to edit, but minor detail, Divorce Started July 08, signed and completed in August 08.. Might have been a little off in my OP... but I was also rather Frustrated, Hurt, and Very Depressed. Who Kinow what the future may bring



Hurricane_Delta
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12 Dec 2008, 1:22 am

If I'm not mistaken, this thread just became rather interesting. In any case, I would add just one thing. In many cases, things look different from our point of view. Also, we are more liable to vent our problems, especially on the internet. I will admit to doing this.



Last edited by Hurricane_Delta on 14 Dec 2008, 10:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Kimmish
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12 Dec 2008, 11:15 am

You told me the divorce process started in summer of '07.



Eaglejoe
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12 Dec 2008, 11:50 am

Details Details Details... Fine, The Divorce that actually succeded started in Junly 08 completed august 08, Yes, I initially filed in the summer of 07, but the lawyers were too busy to do anything about it, and I eventually withdrew the case b/c it was getting way too complicated, and not going how i wanted it to go.... point is, its over and done... i wanted to keep things simple here... that wasnt even the major issue of the OP, anything further, PM me



Rynok
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12 Dec 2008, 7:54 pm

For Kim:
First off, I'm not trying to attack you Kimmish, but I just had one comment about your well worded post.
"And by the way, if you really loved me, you would have tried to win me back when I was breaking up with you."
> I know girls do this sorta thing, these "tests", but I know personally if a girl told me it was over, I wouldn't fight either. If she's breaking up, there is usually a good reason behind it and it is stupid of me to prolong the inevitable by acting like an immature cry-baby with the "Oh please, but I loves you! Don't go!" crap. Best case scenario you breakup AGAIN a few weeks later.
> Also a side note, but when you breakup, people tend to feel hurt, and as a response they try to hurt the one that hurt them. As such, the comment "maybe it wasn't worth saving" could have likely been a shot at your emotions because he was upset.

For Joe:
Please, don't act like this is the end of the line for you. I've yet to have a girl pursue a real date with me, let alone girlfriends or marriage. It happens, and as was said, is mostly out of our control. The only thing that counts major points against me is I'm not an extrovert, so I tend to keep to myself or with people I know. Either way, it's still mostly out of your control. The whole system is setup to where you randomly meet someone that meets the necessary criteria, that is also equally interested in you, after which a relationship is started and results in marriage when all conditions (environmental/social) remain favorable throughout the dating experience. It is similar to a life supporting planetary body. It can happen, it just takes "the right time" and "the right place" and "the right environment".