I'm not sure but it would make sense...

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sisyphusstone
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27 Nov 2008, 11:16 pm

I've been reading lately about Autism and the Asperger syndrome and all of its sorts, and it made me think: if I really had it, a lot of things in my life so far would make a lot of sense... But the thing is, I'm not sure if this is the case or not. I've read the diagnosis and most of the "criteria" for it applies to me, even tho one of the most characteristic criteria (please correct me if I'm wrong), limited empathy, doesn't applies to me (I don't have any problems with this "mind-blindness?"). But for the rest of it: When I was a baby, I didn't have any problems with my "mental growth" (for example, learning to talk, etc.). The thing is, I used to be a very serious and "cold" little kid, but I think the reason for it was that I was raised in a house full of adults (older sisters) and with no interaction with other kids of my age (until I went to school for the first time). At that age (4-5) I almost never played or talked with other kids, but I didn't have a problem talking with adults. Most of the "problems" came when I was around 6 or 8 to 14 (and further extent to the present). Many times I got punished at school for saying things and doing stuff I really didn't considered wrong (if a teacher asked something in a figurative sense, I'd answer it... and once I got away from my sister in a store and got lost, and a woman came to me and asked where was my mom, and I told her that she was at home relaxing). I never had any problems with learning at school, in fact I always was ahead of class in everything except in math and numbers (it took me a while to learn that 1 + 1 was 2 and not 11). During 1st-grade (I think), a teacher of mine told my mother that she should take me to a psychologist, but my mom got a little angry (she's a little like me, too) and replied to her that every kid is different and that kids shouldn't be obligated to act the same as other kids. I've always been very different from the rest of the kids, but I was just considered to be shy (even tho I'm not... I've always said that people that don't know me well think I'm quiet, while people that know me well wish I would shut up) because it was kind of hard for other kids to communicate with me. It's a little difficult for me to communicate with others orally (at least with people I don't speak with every day), but at the same time it's a lot easier when it's done written (like for example, messenger or e-mail). The reason behind this is that sometimes I'm not "good with words" or at least with finding the correct words so others can understand me well (and when I do have the words, they won't understand me), and it frustrates me. But it never made it impossible for me to make friends. I do have "many" friends, but they aren't "intimate" friendships where I can be 100% myself... I'm still a little reserved when I'm around my friends, and I think there would never be anyone else in the world with whom I could share everything I do except with myself.

About the "ritualistic" and repetitive behavior, it's always been common in me, from when I wake up till I fall asleep. I also pay attention to stupid stuff during the day (which is kinda annoying), like for example, when I take the train, I notice that trains (traveling in opposite directions) meet every 3 stations and they stop at the same time every 6 stations, and that the stations in which they stop are different two times a day (morning and evening). This is just an example, there are more like this. I've also read about the "special interests", and this is the thing that mostly applies for me. It started at a very young age with dinosaurs of course, it continued with animals, then with history, geography, video games, then other extremely pointless stuff (so pointless that it's kinda embarrassing), then, movies, famous people (and not so famous of course), more pointless stuff, music, and most recently politics, demographics :oops:, and languages. I learn very quickly useless and a-little-more-useful facts about people (their birth dates, tastes, things they think are funny or annoying and even things they don't know about themselves like heritage - regarding surnames, etc). At school I have very good grades, but nothing that would make me above average, except in languages. It's so incredibly easy to me to learn a language (even tho I am currently only able to speak 3, because I learned this was easy for me just recently). In fact that's my major at the uni right now, languages (and I'm considering a 2nd concentration in political science). But about these "special interests", of course, they are "fun", but they also feel like "pleasures" (hmm, I don't know how to explain... but in a similar way to when you are hungry and in your mind you're thinking of eating a specific dish for no reason, you just want that dish, and when you get it, it feels good).

So, this is it... I'm not sure of what's up with my brain. I very it's not autism because of an incredibly fast "check" a doctor (I think he was a psychologist) made me in high school (even tho it wasn't deep or professional-esque). Asperger's is what would most explain all of these I've mentioned (and so many more, but I've already written a mess of words and it's enough with that). Maybe it's something else, or maybe it's just me. I have this "theory" that every single person haves a different mental condition that no one else in the world haves. Anyway, I don't know what should I do... probably ignore it; so far I've lived fine, of course sometimes it's difficult, but not something that won't let me live. Even if I get diagnosed with something, nothing about me would change. Maybe the real "condition" is being myself. But sure, it's confusing if I want to understand more what I "have". But I'm ok with that.

Again, sorry for the long mess of words!



Last edited by sisyphusstone on 30 Nov 2008, 10:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Emoal6
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27 Nov 2008, 11:33 pm

I think its very possible you're an aspie. I remember being very similar at a young age. I tend to believe that the only reason I was able to make any friends is because I had a brother though. I would have been lost without him giving me a buffer zone with people(Ie, dont mess with him cause his brother's huge).

I also keep a similar theory on everyone having some sort of mental condition. I dont know if they're all different, Maybe just different variations of similar symptoms? For instance, some have ptsd because of rough childhoods, some because of wartime experiences, car crashes, you name it. Not every case is the same because the reason behind the condition is different. Not too mention, you have a certain level of confidence and self esteem that you're born with. As time goes by, it either fades away or gains, depending on how your environment recieves you.

A lot of us had horrible childhoods so our confidence and self esteem have dwindled to almost non-existent. Then again, some of us had the support group necessary to conquer our fears and survive the social world. Some of us just got lucky and people were more tolerant in thier area.

You may just be mildly on the spectrum, but that could have changed over time as you realized certain things about yourself and others. Maybe you had a friend that helped you get through some of the social stuff in the beginning and that was all you needed. Lots of things can make autism seem "non existent". Its still there, its just underneath the skin.

You still feel the senses overwhelming, you just try as hard as you can to hold your reactions in. You still feel alone, even after you realize others have the same problems. You still worry if you'll ever "get things right" even after you've changed so many bad habbits you've lost count. If these apply to you, then you are probably one of us. If not, you still could be, but hey, does it really matter? You'll ponder that question for years most likely if you are...



MizLiz
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27 Nov 2008, 11:53 pm

Nobody fits the diagnostic checklist perfectly. I didn't have any language delays either and this whole mind-blindness thing...

Reading some of the forum posts, its almost scary how well the people here understand humanity. It's just that maybe we don't apply what we know. It's like we have to observe and learn, but other people (the NTs, or neurotypicals, the people who aren't affected) just get it automatically.



sisyphusstone
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28 Nov 2008, 5:14 pm

So I think that childhood (and how we grow up) highly influences the way AS works in someone when he or she is older, right? Talking, for example, how this condition is "projected" in someone. But I guess that childhood influences everything in life regardless the mental condition or characteristics too...