just a story I wrote
29 Nov 2008, 3:36 pm
I wrote this story for (and losely based on) a former friend of mine. I think it came out well, and is a pretty good example of my writing style. I thought I'd post it for those of you who might actually feel like reading it, hopefully it will entertain you. It won't let me indent, so I had to chop it into paragraphs.
Feel free to comment, so I know if anybody actually bothered to read this.
Life Is Like A Movie
Sometimes life is like a movie. Even more so if you work in the movie business. This is the story of Todd, his wife Ember, and Bill, a rather demented love triangle if there ever was one. Todd and Ember had been happily married for years, living the Hollywood life and attending all the red carpet events. Bill, well he showed up later, and proceeded to do his best to f**k everything up. Wait, technically this isn’t a triangle unless Todd and Bill are also attracted to each other.... right?.... but they’re not. But then what? Love angle? Love jagged line? Triangle just sounds better. Anyway.......
While awaiting her big break in Hollywood, Ember did some work for Playboy. In the interview, she got to talk about life in LA, and her big dream to be on Saturday Night Live. And in movies of course, why else would she be in Hollywood, right? She’d had some small parts already, but wanted the big leading roles. And world peace. Everyone liked her so much she had been voted Playmate of the Year.
Todd was a movie guy, and currently working as Matt Damon’s stunt double. Since they looked quite a bit alike and were great friends, he doubled for Matt more than any other star. Todd was into alternate thinking, spirituality-wise. His religious stance could best be described as an odd blend of Witchcraft, Buddhism, and David Koresh. He regularly called a psychic hotline to confer with is own personal psychic, Nightshade. Since the press was always a problem, Nightshade walked him through a spell to make their residence invisible to them. It involved putting up some standard Christmas lights, and smoking a lot of marijuana. And it works so well too. The press will never be a problem for them, as long as they NEVER take them down.
Bill was your basic East Coast K-Fed wannabe. He’d bought Ember’s special edition Playboy, and became obsessed with her. He memorized all the details, conviently ignoring the “married” part.. Then he managed to somehow locate her personal website and began writing her love letters, many of them. Bill claimed to be in the Mafia, and to be a distant nephew of Jesse James. He HATED Matt Damon movies. Ever since that time he watched Dogma while doing acid with the Harlem Globetrotters, he had harbored an intense fear of the actor. (Ben Affleck, on the other hand, he was strangely attracted to.)
Anyway, so he falls in love with Ember, who is feeling lonely because Todd is spending all day with Matt. So she actually answers his letters. They begin writing back and forth, all the time. And even sending each other videos and other crap. This of course causes him to decide they must be soul mates, so he devises a plan to get her to come to him. Because of course, he can’t go to her, he might accidently run into MATT DAMON...... OH GOD NO!! ! Since his uncle’s girlfriend’s father’s first wife’s college roommate was a writer for Saturday Night Live, he asked her to write a part for his love. So, for absolutely no good reason at all, this was done.
He immediately calls (yep, he has her phone number now) her and tells her the big news. Now she has to come to New York, now she will be his forever. Ember, despite some reservations, agrees it must be fate, Bill must really be the one for her. (Never mind that she thought the same thing about Todd when she married him.) Unfortunately for Bill, her debut episode would not be filmed for another 3 months. He can hardly wait, but has no choice.
Meanwhile, things are not going well for Todd. Ember blames him, irrationally, for her phone affair with Bill. Who she’s now claiming to be so in love with. After all didn’t HE get her on Saturday Night Live? And what has Todd ever done for her? (Never mind all the obvious.) So there is tension, and a lot of it. Todd considers an affair with an extra on the set, but when you’re married to the Playmate of the Year, how could a mere extra ever compare? So he keeps trying to work it out, abuses his porn collection, and enjoys many vivid fantasies about murdering Bill in a vast assortment of ways. He even calls up Nightshade repeatedly, to run various scenarios by him, looking for the perfect one..... Nightshade tells him to go have some more weed and look at the pretty lights.
Then one night on Larry King Live, Bill hears the shocking news. Saturday Night Live will be moving to Los Angeles, because it will be easier to get the guest stars to show up. There’s a new rumor in Hollywood that if you’re famous and you spend the night in New York, you will die. (Heath Ledger proved it, man. Gotta be true.) So the entire studio is moving to the other side of the country. Yes, this is breaking news. Oh also, at the Longbrook Mall in Marsen, Kansas, there is a blue Chevy Impala, license plate 305-KTH7, with the lights on. If this is your car, please go turn off your lights. Thank you.
Todd has had enough of the Bill drama. He tells Ember she must choose, or he’s taking his Christmas lights and moving in with Matt. (And of course without the lights, she would have NO protection from her rabid admirers.) He tells her she must at least agree to burn the dirty boxers that Bill mailed to her, which she had framed and hung over the couch. Ember finds this unreasonable, and tries to think of a way to keep both of them. She even suggests a three-way, but due to Todd’s resemblance to Matt Damon, this is out of the question. Not that he would have considered it anyway.
Bill threatens to kill a puppy if she doesn’t choose him. Todd threatens to hide the weed. She can’t decide. She loves puppies, but with enough weed, she won’t care about the puppy. Oh choices. Maybe Bill doesn’t even really have a puppy, maybe he’s just saying that? Todd definitely has the weed, but maybe he wouldn’t really hide it?
And then UFO’s suddenly abducted all three of them. Bill was thoroughly probed, and returned with a copy of Dogma subtitled in Russian, much to his horror. He promptly sold his story to Weekly World News for $25. Todd and Ember were not seen again. Or possibly, it wasn’t actually a UFO that got them. Maybe the Christmas light spell kicked up a notch and they became invisible behind it’s protection. Maybe they moved to Florida. The world may never know.
