My Short Story

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I've written a (very) short story called "The Drowning Merman" in my WP blog. I'm not a writer, and even my grammer is wrong at times, but I would like to know whether (just the) story is good or bad or ok .

Link - http://www.wrongplanet.net/modules.php? ... w&jid=8459

Pretty good.

Please consider changing your avatar, I keep trying to kill it.

I voted ok. This has potential to be an excellent short story, but it still needs some work, I think.

Hi zghost, changed the avatar



Hi WaterWater, thanks for the feedback. I just wanted to know what people thought about it. My wife hated it, she found it depressing
I just wanted to know if I had the beginner's talent, then I could work on language and writing skills.


The verdict from the votes, as on Dec 7, is OK, which is good enough to motivate me . Waiting for some more feedback.

finally! somebody else believes in mermen like i do!

That is really very good!

Hi ttqs84 and gismo, thanks for your feedback ! !

One of the best things I've ever read. Extremely powerful allegory of what it's like to live with AS in a community. Had me trembling with emotion. I'd hate for this story not to be given wide exposure!

Two comments:

1. You shouldn't say "other people" but "other mermen".
2. The end is a bit weaker than the story. I'd work more on the end.

Hi Greentea, sorry for not replying earlier, I was out for the holidays with my wife and didn't check the forum

First of all thank you, it is very heartening to hear such kind words for my first story. I noticed that you are from the Middle East, it seems to me that western aspies are not relating to the story the way I thought they would (whether they like the story or not). You are the first one to notice the allegory part. Maybe this is something only asian aspies experience.

The "other people" mistake I'll correct in the story. Thanks for pointing it out!!

Regarding the end of the story, well it wasn't the intended ending. This is only first half of the story that I had in mind before I started writing it. If you notice, the length is half of the minimum accepted word count for a short story (1000 words). I had conceived and written this in a state of rage, when a couple of people close to me refused to understand my predicament. By the time I finished this much I was emotionally exhausted, because I usually don't write. I thought I'd write the second half later, but never got that furious again ( ) and figured that the second half would turn out to be emotionally much inferior, even though the story idea wasn't bad. The story is a fablization of my childhood and college years, and the second half was supposed to follow the later years (marriage, self-diagnosis, happiness), so basically a happy ending. But the current ending is like this because that is how it happened. I got on the verge of suicide but returned not understanding why I didn't do it. I guess those emotions were much like they are in the story. I rebel, get self-destructive, and return happy, probably because of the freedom that the rebellion gives me.

So I just removed the opening lines that set the stage for the second part, posted the story in my blog and asked for feedback. I figured that if this isn't good enough, the second part would make it even worse. If fellow mermaids and mermen find it good, I can give it a try . The replies have been very encouraging.

Hell, this reply is nearly as long as the story!

People always say that I should be a writer, because I never told anyone that anything I write that has any value is written in a moment of deep emotion, otherwise my writing is crap. So I understand what you mean about writing best when in a rage.

Given the strong AS message in the story, I'd post it in the main discussion forum so it'd get more exposure and more comments... If you weren't a member of WP and I'd found the story on the web, I would've posted a link myself in the main forum.

Its awesome.

My rating 8/10.

Write the second half man. Eagerly awating....

Yes, keep it going ...! !

Thanks for the encouragement guys! I guess I'll try to write the second half now

I voted ok. The style is definitely the fable/fairytale kind of format. Is that how you wanted it? You could probably flesh the entire thing out into a longer story, using only what you have now. I really enjoyed the concept and allegory. Heh, rage writing. Unfortunately my rage writing is all autobiographical and not nearly as creative as yours.

I voted good and is a great comparison to AS/NT relations...however, I think you need to not start the story with, " "there once was" unless you are writing a children's story. Other than that...it is great. Keep up the good work. I think also you can expand the story even further to where he develops a special tallent of being out of water and puts it to good use as a way of expressing that AS is more than a curse...it also has hidden gifts.

keep up the good work...you write well

Jojo

That is a very good story.