Do People Minimize Your Problems?

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That happens to me lots. People have Theory of Mind issues.

After me telling them it's irritating, someone claimed they do it to reassure me things aren't so bad. Another said they find my problems more worrying than I do (so they go into a denial.)

Happened before and after diagnosis. Since diagnosis, there has been much more of the opposite. A decrease in expectations about my capabilities. More exclusion from activities I could participate in with a little support; (cannot initiate participation in activities without it). People assume this to be disinterest or complete inability. One assumed I might never be capable of love (though had recently become so; the very thing had indirectly prompted the conversation.)

Last edited by outlier on 05 Dec 2008, 5:38 am, edited 1 time in total.

My brother was always telling me that I was making up my problems just to get attention. He would always say that I was just lazy and not trying hard enough, and that I could behave 'normally' if I wanted to. That the only reason I couldn't do things such as making friends or coping with change etc was because I didn't want to and therefore didn't try. He accused me constantly of being selfish and wanting everything my way whenever I would get upset over anything, and that I was deliberately acting like a baby just to get my own way. It really stung.

Yes, now that you mention it, this is my problem too; I feel that I am often generally dismissed. However, in my case, I don´t speak in a flat way, but tend to speak very animatedly- (possibly even "over animated"). I wonder what could cause this reaction? My delivery, my body language? Luckily, it seems to be getting better with age...but, basically, this has been a theme in my life.

Yes, me too! People told me so often I needed to "chill out", that I was uptight and overreacting about certain things. I even felt guilty for much of my life- wondering what was wrong with me- because I knew nothing about AS and therefore had no idea why these particular things bothered me so much, when they didn´t seem to bother other people.

Yes, I think some do. I've heard that "snap out of it!" phrase more often than I care to remember.

My favourite Aunt who's a headmistress of a nursery, when I told her I suspected I had AS gave me the whole "Oh everyone feels like their different, so did I when I was your ages, people just want to label themselfs" etc, etc

It really upset me, since outside of my mum, she's the only one who I ever thought got me and accepted me for who I am, I know I shouldn't but ever since then I've felt different toward her, it's not that I care about her less, just I mourn the relationship I thought we had. If she doesn't accept AS, I know her, me having a diagnoses won't change anything.

Yes. People cannot grasp mentally that I cannot put on a "social face" like they do. People wonder why I'm so uptight and don't like to have fun, but it's not that. It's the fact that I cannot make myself be more gregarious or anything because it just comes out awkward. I am always, to my detriment, myself. They also don't get why I have such a hard time hanging out in large groups. It's because there is a rhythm and atmosphere that I jsut cannot find or follow.

People also don't understand why I get so stressed out at certain points. It's not because I'm weak, but because I'm constantly mentally figuring out things that other people know intuitively.

Oh, I had the same experience when I told my parents I suspected I had it! My mother told me "everyone feels different!" But I don´t believe that; if everyone really did feel different, I don´t think there would be so much pressure put on people to conform all the time; we would just be different, and that would be that. Then, every time I gave them other reasons why I thought I had it, they would basically jump down my throat and say "everybody has that problem". I was really upset, because, after hearing all my life about how "weird" I was, I was excited to finally give my parents a reason. I thought they would understand me finally. Maybe they are just in denial...then again, maybe it´s hardest for the people that know us best? Maybe they are so used to us that they don´t notice the differences anymore? Who knows...just a thought....

I´ve also had the situation that- for much of my life- people asked me why I almost never date, or why I don´t make more of an effort to go out, go to bars, etc. For years, not knowing about AS, I internalized this problem because I didn´t know why I didn´t like to do these things, when other people seem to- so I didn´t know what to say. But lately, I´ve explained the AS problem to some. Again, their reaction is "oh, all women have trouble interacting with men", or "all people have trouble with relationships". In denying there is any problem, they are implying that I should be able to just "get over it", or just "work on it".

I find it interesting to note that all the people who really understand about the AS, and say "oh, that makes sense" when I tell them, are all people who know something about it already. Many people just have no idea what it is, or they have an idea, but the wrong idea. Like I think my parents think that all people who have AS are supposed to be violent! For this reason, I wonder if getting a diagnosis even helps much? If other people don´t know about it, or understand it anyway?

By the way, thanks everyone for your posts so far! It´s been very helpful for me to read about the experiences of others.

That has happened to me. One friend would consistently compare my problems to her whenever I mentioned them. It's not quite the same as saying "everybody has that problem". I've heard that from people too. In fact, when I tried to talk to others about problems I got those kinds of responses on a fairly regular basis, so I got into the habit of not sharing.

I figure what's the point in talking about anything if they are going to say "you think you're the only one?, or, "Welcome to the human race!" or, "Be glad you don't have to put up with that. I'd take your problems anyday."

"I don't see you having that problem"
"Everyone experiences that"

Those annoy me. People just dismiss my problems even though they are valid. I have so many troubles every day, but nobody ever understands. They think it's my fault. I can't even find a psych who understands me, or doesn't minimize me.
Then people try to look at me, and I don't know what to do. It confuses me, and makes me feel threatened.

My mom says "That happened to me when I was young too, but..."
Well it doesn't work like that for me. I have to face these difficulties everyday. They question me about why I get angry after I've explained to them several times why something technological isn't working.

My parents also disregard my aspergers, depression, panic attacks, and anxieties. They think I'm overreacting, but it's something I can't help. They think I'm 'normal' - whatever that is supposed to mean.

That is the problem I have too. People can't understand why I have difficulty changing an obsession, and it ends up with me feeling like I should somehow, and am a bad person for not doing it.

Sadly, I just give up on trying to explain my issues to them when they behave that way. Its such a shame .

Yes, definitely.

And, yes, they're right in that lots of people may indeed have those problems individually. E.g., there might be plenty who have difficulty with small talk. Or plenty who have what could be classed as a stim. Or plenty who would rather be on the computer than go to a pub/club. But it's when you put all of these things together.

Just because something is red doesn't mean it's a rose. Just because something has thorns doesn't mean it's a rose. Just because something has a scent like a rose doesn't mean it's a rose. But when it's red, has thorns, and has a matching scent, the likelihood becomes pretty high that it is, in fact, a rose.

And if so many people do have a certain problem, and it's so common, why does everyone react so badly to you when you display it?

All the time. I try to explain to them the extent of how loud sounds bother me due to my Hyperacusis, they act as if it's something I should be able to get over. Even at Hyperacusis.net although they also have a lot of curebies over there, which is why I don't visit anymore. I figure they think that I should be able to cure my Hyperacusis with pink noise or whatever, they're just deluding themselves into a false sense of resolution.

There are more people who also don't have Hyperacusis sick of parents who bring their screaming brats out into public and force others to have to contend with them. So perhaps there will be a day soon when there will be child-areas in resturants. Then parents can enjoy the experience of trying to eat while other parents kids scream at them, and see how it feels when that's inflicted on them.

People often do that to me, but not limited to my ASD traits.

From what I understand it is because they tend to see me as very able and just lacking in willpower and motivation. They also like to be in denial about what they cannot see; e.g. when I'm trying hard and manage to be lower average in something.

Although that's certainly my fault too. I'm trying and doing all the work without mentioning it and I can do a lot more than most people think is normal.

For example, I've even been called quite empathic. And many think my lack of social skills is minimal. But truth is, I can't read faces at all and what enables me to successfully navigate in such situations in which others read faces is analysing the environment, knowing a lot about motives and social reasoning and seeing more details about my surroundings that others.

Something unrelated to the ASD is that many people think I'm calm, quiet. But just because they don't realise I'm keeping my energy and fidgeting in, suppressing it the best I can now that I'm older. Which costs me attention and health.

Many people like to be satisfied with what they see.

That's my impression.

And that's a viewpoint I cannot comprehend.