Trapped by my Autism

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When I accepted my AS diagnosis, I started to notice the things about me that are caused by it a lot more. I started to feel my limitations, but when I didn't know about my limitations I didn't feel limited! Every day (or at least every school day) I have problems because of my AS and I tell myself it's not my fault, it's because I have AS. When I'm bad at something, I blame my AS. Certain things I don't even try because "I can't do that because I have AS". Most days I really hate my AS. I feel trapped by it, but I can't escape it. It's a part of me.

I feel inferior. Not just because I have AS. I feel inferior to other aspies, because I see aspies who are better than me. Aspies with high IQs, aspies who can remember when they were three years old, aspies with photographic memories, aspies who have less AS-related problems, aspies who can do things that I can't do because of my AS (though they have AS too, I figure they must not have the same impairments).

Some of you are going to say that I should appreciate what I have, but what I have is less than satisfactory. I believe that I have more flaws than most people, and/or that my flaws are more significant (I'm bad at everything that matters, while other people are bad at things that it's more acceptable to be bad at). I also feel that my few strengths are less significant (The stuff I'm good at doesn't matter much and won't get me anywhere in life).

Is it all in my head? Can I actually do more than I realise? Even if it is all in my head, I can't change the way I think. I really am trapped. But is it by AS or is it by my negative way of thinking?

you will always find somebody better then you, but that doesnt make your any or less of you. i have just autism, i dont have high iq think i have a maybe just made it to average iq, instead horrible self help skills, low verbal iq, bad socializing skills, no special interest no intense focus on anything, no savant skills, autism itself holds me back sooooooo much, cant handle many social events, cant hold a job, barely handle my one day a week 2 hour class which is all visual and all know of my autism but it doesnt mean that just because they have savant skills or can handle stuff more then i can, or have such a high iq their any better. Just look at rainman hes got photographic memory, a savant, but severely handicapped. Just because somebody has a better form of your autism doesnt mean they have it any easier. Cheer up, i think your doing what a lot of ASDers do, which is overanalyze yourself, it goes along with getting the diagnosis, i guess its a phase, your find your true calling despite your label, and put this behind you one day. Its always good to vent, and ppl here no matter how low or higher functioning then you are, do understand and do go through the same things as you. I hope you understand that.

It's all in your head. I started to think that I couldn't do this because of my AS or I'll be bad at that because of my AS. I shook the thoughts out of my head before they got worse. I really thought that I couldn't break routine and believed that I was having sensory overload. Why would I start having those traits if I never had them before?

AS is aspergers, autism is not aspergers, they are similar but still different.

The beauty about being one of us is that unlike NTs we can learn to overcome our weaknesses as long as we have the strength of will to work at it.

My weakest area is actually the english language, although you probably can't tell. It's considered a weakness because other areas are much stronger. In 6th grade I had an achievement test, 12th grade on everything except for english which was at a 10th grade level. Even though you may be above your age they will still call it a weakness because its what you scored the least on.

It's in your head, I can tell just by the way you type that you have more intelligence than 80% of the population.

4T L435t U 4r3nT t4Lk1nG L1k3 7h15


Also worrying is not a classic trait of AS or autism, are you sure it isn't a false diagnosis? Most AS people I know want to know about their weaknesses out of pure curiosity rather than self-pity. Plus take whatever IQ test you were given and either shred it or add 20 points to it, most tests are based off of communication which, unfortunately, is often times our weakest area hence a proper and accurate IQ test is extremely difficult to administer because of our communication abilities.

Well its 1am so im heading out, nighty night



*edit/add*

You should feel special, just think, you have what Einstein had, descriptions of him show strong resemblances to AS from what I can tell. Plus he has the classic AS "extreme absorption is certain areas"

I think I get what you mean. I went through something similar for a bit, but you have to remember that nothing's actually changed. You're still exactly the same as you were before your diagnosis. Also, don't use the Dx as an excuse or a crutch. Just do whatever you did before and forget it, since that's what you did anyway to get where you are now when you didn't have a definitive explanation for that invisible wall. At this point, it's the pretext you might as well work under.

And yeah, what's up with that? You hear about people with autism often having an impressive skill and/or high intelligence in one area as some kind of "trade-off" for being kind of generally muddled otherwise, but sometimes you feel like you're just the right balance of functional and yet ineffectual to wind up being abnormally useless. This too shall pass: it's mostly just feelings and dwelling.

One thing you have to remember: most of these Aspies are all different ages. When you are twenty five and have a few years of college, you could very well sound like the Aspies on WP who you think are more intelligent than you. They could be the future you!

im liberated by it

I can relate to what you are saying. Although in a way I don't feel like I have a disability, because I have only recently got a diagnosis, the diagnosis does make me more aware that my differences are not things that will go away by trying extra hard. I will always have sensory sensitivities, and this does limit me and make me extra tired.

We had a lecture about AS at college (where I hadn't disclosed my own AS) and the lecturer talked about how things are a lot more effort for someone with AS because of all the sensory issues and weak central coherence and lack of instinctive social understanding, and how things that are normal routine stuff for 'normal' people can be exhausting for AS people. And as I listened, I realised that yes, this is true, and that things are very exhausting for me, and it can be an effort to get through the day. It was something I hadn't really thought about - I'd been feeling exhausted without being consciously aware of it. I'd just thought I was being a wimp somehow, and that I needed to try harder. So the awareness made me more aware of my limitations. And this has two effects on me - it makes me less hard on myself, and helps me think more carefully about how to look after myself, and accept my limitations and be kind to myself. But it also makes me think about how in this sense I do have a disability that makes me different from others (although I really do think that if we weren't such a minority, society could be more catered around our particular needs, and we wouldn't have to be at a disadvantage - but sadly, society is not like that. It is catered around NT needs, and so it is much easier for them).

Yes, this is so true. DJRnold, I am twice your age, and over the years I have spent a lot of time and effort in teaching myself how to navigate social situations, and to understand the world and myself. When I was your age, I barely spoke, and, despite not having a diagnosis, I was a lot more 'disabled' than I am now (although I never saw it in those terms - but I realise in retrospect). I felt very inferior to everyone around me back then.

The experiences of people with a diagnosis, are not confined to "classic traits" of whatever that diagnosis is.

To put it in a more obvious and medical context... think of the sentence "Worrying is not a classic trait of multiple sclerosis, are you sure it isn't a false diagnosis? Most MS people I know want to know about their weaknesses out of pure curiosity rather than self-pity."

As far as I can tell, autistic people can fall prey to a huge number of failings, because they are ultimately general human failings, not the failings of only one kind of human. So autistic people can be worried, self-pitying, cruel, arrogant, vain, self-hating, jealous, insecure, etc. etc. etc. Just like non-autistic people can. Those things are unfortunately things any sort of person can be, and all sorts of people need to watch out for in themselves.

I don't feel trapped by my condition, at all. I feel free to be the interesting individual that I am. I feel free to express myself and to live life in a way that's right for me. I feel that my autism or AS is a gift, that God has given me. If I didn't have this gift, than I would be just as obnoxious as the teens that I went to high school with, towards people who have special needs. Because I have a disability, myself, I know to view other people with all disabilities as worthwhile people and treat them with the respect that they desperately need and deserve, and that everybody should be brought into this world. That's why I see my AS as a gift from God.

"When I'm bad at something, I blame my AS. Certain things I don't even try because "I can't do that because I have AS". "

That's a silly mindset to have. It can be easy to fall into that way of thinking, but it doesn't help you at all. Having AS shouldn't mean you can't do certain things, just that it may be harder (even much harder) for you. But people with AS are usually fortunate enough to have the ability to do things if they really keep trying, even if it takes longer.

I'm not trying to belittle your feelings, because I do know how difficult it can be... but difficult is not impossible. Blaming your AS for everything is simply a get-out clause, and I'm sure you know that you are better than that.

Keep trying. You'll get there in the end, even if it takes longer and more effort.

This is why I've never really accepted my AS dx (and probably never will). It felt like a mill-stone around my neck for years as if aspects of my personality had been somehow been transformed into negative "impairments".

When I've forgotten about my limitations I have tended to be more adventurous and achieved more, but only in friendly and supportive environments where people were unaware of AS. In the right environment, my "symptoms" seemed to evapourate.

Looking at the current AS dx criteria, I'm not surprised that you feel so negative because all of the DSM-IV criteria are phrased in a negative way. When I say the criteria I actually sank into despair for about 5 minutes and thought to myself "How could anyone write anything so biased and condescending?". It basically lists "impairments" that you supposedly meant to have. I don't think that the criteria are very balanced and only look at the situation from one (very negative) point of view. I think that those criteria are in the need of a serious revamp or "re-branding".

When I had my AS statement removed years ago I felt liberated. I felt like I was not constrained by a negative set of criteria, but could become my own person. As a result, I could achieve more because people didn't judge me for being "disabled" and people accepted who I was because there wasn't a label in the way. I never really felt "impaired" anyway. I just felt like me.

Since then, I've realised that I do have limitations, I've noticed that my so called "limitations" are actually just natural consequences of my personality. Now I've identified those limitations it's a start.

I've got myself into all sorts of nervous break-downs in the past because I believed I could do anything (including being hyper-social) and hence over-stretched myself.

I'm starting to hit an invisible brick wall with regards to my personality and am starting to realise that being honest, undiscriminating, focussed and hard working does have it's disadvantages because I'm unable to chat casually about trivial things or initiate conversations that well. I do care about people though. Hence teamwork and public relations skills are very hard for me.

But everyone has limitations, just in different areas, so I don't think that anyone is really "better" than anyone else. Perhaps people are only judged as "better" by others when their limitations are more socially acceptable, I don't know. It certainly doesn't seem to be a very fair way of doing things.

It's a cage
and the only possible key
is determined by your personality
kinda like every disorder or not in reality

so what exactly is your limitation imposed by having autism?
nothing was altered in your makeup when you got the diagnosis.
before you got the diagnosis, did you ascribe failures to some other reason?
what were they?
is it worse to be wrong because you are autistic than to be wrong because you calculated incorrectly as an NT?
no. wrong is wrong, and no "wronger" than wrong can be.

in my world, i know i am never going to "howl at the emotional moon with the NT pack"
i am not sad about it, and i totally ignore it.

people need to see a "smile" in order to believe.
but whether they believe or not, truth is immovable.





well the clarity with which you describe your plight is commendable.
if you are able to organize a conceptual story like you just told so well, then you have abilities that are needed by aspects of the world.

some people talk in a "word salad" about their bizarre lives that are incomprehensible.
they are usually in hospital and they are far flung in their mentage.

it is good that autism does not predispose one to "fragmentation of thought" like schizophrenia does.

I know how you feel. I felt that way for awhile, when I heard other Aspies talking about having an ease at understanding computer code. Or going into the Wrongplanet chat and running into a discussion about something that was way too brainy for me.

You're not any better or worse of an Aspie, we all have different strengths and weaknesses and I'm sure there's something you'd be good at that benefits others.

For example, I've always been good at video games and computer games. There are more kid-based MMORPGs, that are trying to help give back by doing a fundraiser where you donate virtual coins you earn from games, that translates into real world money they donate to organizations like Unicef. I think it's great they're not only giving kids a way to help others, but people who may be like me, where their main strong point is being able to play video games.

Also, I've heard more stories about how people are hiring gamers for their eye-hand coordination, for things such as being able to aim well in situations like combat. As well as hiring them for their problem solving skills, which are enhanced by playing video games.

I also feel that as our world becomes more technologically involved, there are more opportunities for Aspies who in general, do seem to excel at things like computers. Of course, if that isn't what works for you, perhaps there's something else you'd be good at. There are thousands of different jobs and options you can excel at. AS is just a label, it isn't who you are.