What would you do in this situation?

Post Reply New Topic

yes greentea, a great example

This is just the sort of thing that gets me grief from people when they watch me with my kids. People have often critisized me or been puzzled with me for not doing the "right" thing that was automatic to them to do in a situation.

This is definately because I respond in a concrete or logical way. Ive recently started correcting people who indirectly "message" at me. For example my mum was moaning about a man who was visiting her maybe needing the toilet, I finaly figured out that she wanted me to vacume the landing! I told her not to 'message' me but just say "can you vacume the landing".

Its very hard to work out what other people want and I have to use all my brain to solve it like a puzzle.

This is a great Asperger topic. On a cross-country road trip listening to Steven Johnson's "Social intelligence", he described a similar scenario as an example of how dealing with these kinds of situations helps shape a child's social intelligence. I was interested, back then, in developing cognitive models for how social empathy develops as a neuroplastic function, and his books "Emotional intelligence" and "Social intelligence" describe the neuroscience of affect and social empathy.

I can post more info, if anyone is interested, but the jist of his passage on this kind of problem is to stop the child from doing that which is harmful or forbidden, with his unintentionally offensive behavior, and instead of punishing the child or trying to control his emotions or mindset, immediately engage him in something positive and engaging. So you clearly stop the unwanted behavior but direct his energy into something else that is more healthy and constructive. What you want to avoid is getting into a ego battle or a battle over control of each other. And then you want to engage the energy in something else otherwise it will start up again with something else.

I think that the advice others have posted, to give him something else to play with is along those lines.

I am of course assuming that this is your child. Otherwise, you can pick up the kid and start hitting the mother with him (just kidding).

This example is taken from a couple days ago at the hospital, when I was in the waiting room. My operation will be in the children's department, so I like to observe the kids and the parents when I go there.

Wow, my Theory of Mind sucks. I assumed the baby wanted the paper, so I would have folded it up, but it in the seat next to me, and not give it to the baby.

Good thing I have no intention of being a parent.

I hate to be the voice of dissent here, but there is *no* right answer to this question. That is because each child is different, and each child will react differently depending on the day, time, how long it's been since lunch, whether they've had a nap, what kind of personality they have, whether the mother is in a good mood, and a host of other things.

Some children will want only what they've set their mind to, so if they want that piece of paper you're holding, they'll scream bloody murder if you try to pull a fast one and give them a substitute. Some children will do this only when they're tired. Some will do it more consistently. Some will not do it at all.

Some children will scream for what you've got in your hand because they want your attention. Some will do this only when tired. Some will do it more consistently. Some will not do it at all.

And on and on.

This is why I've never read a child-raising book in my life. There is no recipe for how to respond to a child except to get to know the child and to be attentive to the child, his/her patterns, personality, needs, etc. It's not hard for an Aspie to do, trust me. You just have to pay attention. I'm a wonderful mom, and always have been, and it has nothing to do with having a great theory of mind.

When my child would scream, I'd leave the room for with her for awhile and then try to solve the problem, mainly because, being an Aspie, I'm sensitive to noise and figure that someone else in the room might be sensitive to noise as well.