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Legato
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06 Dec 2008, 7:37 pm

So, as mentioned in a couple posts, after much anticipatory pain and agony, I obtained the number of my current interest - with zero commitment of any type except to "hang out sometime". Here's the problem...

Back in the day, in high school, I used to just hang out with my significant other with a slew of other friends in an extremely casual setting until it got comfortable enough to hang out alone. Now, I'm completely stuck. I have like one friend, whom she doesn't know - and he has a wife and two kids... hmmmmmm

So... I need suggestions on what to suggest for our first hang-out or whatever. Would a movie, or even watching some recorded House episodes on the DVR be too introverted, perhaps some guitar hero if she's interested, or going for a walk? HALP PLZ



MissConstrue
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06 Dec 2008, 7:40 pm

Well being introverted myself depends on the type of girl your with.

I happen to like to do stuff at home or take walks not go out and do clubs like most people in my age group do. Ask her what movie she'd be interested in or check the movies out with her and come to a decision.

As for the cat in your avatar, there's a start.


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zghost
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06 Dec 2008, 7:58 pm

If you're really that worried about it, perhaps you could make a list of things like you suggested, and then offer her the choice of a few. Kind of like a menu, it's all good, so what would you like?



mystyc
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06 Dec 2008, 8:50 pm

I too am eager to date, and am sadly desperate for one as it has never happened. However, I have come to doubt my understanding of "dating" and "courtship rituals". Additionally, it seems that the practice of such things has changed over time. It has been suggested that there has been a shift amongst teenagers from single one-on-one dating to "group dating". Furthermore, many new techniques are emerging due to internet technology and businesses trying to cater to the market of middle class singles, such as speed dating and online dating.

I would give two suggestions, despite my own lack of experience and understanding. Try to figure out what you think a date is and the procedure for courting someone. Elaborate on your thoughts through research online about dating and courtship rituals and procedures. Start on the wiki page for it, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dating .

Secondly, consider not dating. Perhaps you might just use her phone number to call and talk. Is that not what phones are for? When you do meet again in person after talking a bit on the phone, things will likely go alot smoother.

These are my theories anyways, and they seem to have no positive impact on my love life...



pakled
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06 Dec 2008, 10:22 pm

back when I was in the Personals era, the usual thing was to come separately to a public place (like a restaurant or museum), and see how things went. If you get a no-show, then it's no-go. The only variable would be how long to wait.

You could ask if she wants to meet for Pizza, game, museum, or something you both might like. Keep it casual at first, and if sparks fly, then you can start out in the same vehicle, etc.



ephemerella
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06 Dec 2008, 10:23 pm

Ix-nay on the alk-way... you don't "hang out" by going for a walk, unless you're both athletic power walkers, hikers or you have some walking thing going in your life and she knows it. Going for along walk is definitely me-and-you time stuff, it's not hanging out.

If it's something you'd definitely not do with a guy friend you met at school, it's not a "hang out" kind of thing to do. If you go for long walks with the guys you meet on the street, that's fine. But if you don't, it's not a hang-out date if you walk.

You can go to see a movie -- but go to see a movie that you want to see. Whatever you choose to do, the emphasis is on doing that thing you want to do, not on being with each other. That's what "hanging out" is about -- the thing you are doing, even if you are just watching TV. It helps keep it casual, too, if you tell her you want to stop in at some store near the theater (or wherever you go). Like a music store and then get in a little conversation looking at some music with her. That's always good for some casual face time, and you get to know each other a little via music talk. So the scenario is something like this: there is a good movie, you want to see it anyways (and she would, too), you go to see it and have an feel-good detour on the way, where you get another type of casual bonding time in with some music talk.

Another good thing to do is the zoo. Sometimes there's some special thing there, only people never get around to looking at it. So you can say something like, I never got around to going to see that panda baby (Ying Ling or whatever) I was thinking about stopping out there this weekend, because I wanted to get something at that super-big-they-have-everything music store out by the zoo. Would you like to come with me?

Or whatever you do for low-key entertainment. Like go to existentially jarring poetry readings at local coffee houses, etc. Just remember that combining the thing with a cool errand (music store, bike shop, guitar store, etc.) can easily turn the uncomfortable "date" into more of a "hang out" type thing Just try to avoid geeky errands, like the second-hand technical bookstore where you pick up your historical directories of ham radio operator call signs.

But just have fun and be interested/interesting.



Legato
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06 Dec 2008, 10:31 pm

While these suggestions are good, I lack money until January thanks to my car and xmas, therefore movies and such are off the table for now...

Gaining her input on what to do seems all well and good, but there's that whole social thing where guys have to do everything and the girl's just along for the ride.

ephemerella wrote:
If it's something you'd definitely not do with a guy friend you met at school, it's not a "hang out" kind of thing to do. If you go for long walks with the guys you meet on the street, that's fine. But if you don't, it's not a hang-out date if you walk.


I do walk and talk casually with guy friends, but whatever.



makuranososhi
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06 Dec 2008, 11:13 pm

Legato wrote:
So, as mentioned in a couple posts, after much anticipatory pain and agony, I obtained the number of my current interest - with zero commitment of any type except to "hang out sometime". Here's the problem...

Back in the day, in high school, I used to just hang out with my significant other with a slew of other friends in an extremely casual setting until it got comfortable enough to hang out alone. Now, I'm completely stuck. I have like one friend, whom she doesn't know - and he has a wife and two kids... hmmmmmm

So... I need suggestions on what to suggest for our first hang-out or whatever. Would a movie, or even watching some recorded House episodes on the DVR be too introverted, perhaps some guitar hero if she's interested, or going for a walk? HALP PLZ


A couple things to consider... formality tends to imply intention; if it is something non-committal, I don't think you want to create an awkward or overt situation. At the same time, your realization that the playing field is different than when you dated is a good thing, a wise observation - taking her with your friends probably isn't ideal. Suggest neutral ground, something that allows for interaction and distraction, without pressure. Think about a date in the future; this is just spending time together on a platonic level if it is as you've described.


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Legato
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07 Dec 2008, 1:39 am

I think you are correct. Perhaps the correct course of action is to indeed "hang out" relatively platonically but still manage to flirt and do those things that attempt to keep me from the dreaded friend zone until I can finance a proper date. Perhaps if I'm lucky enough, things will progress nonetheless, but this is to be seen.

Worth noting is the fact that, while it was verbally non-committal at the time of asking her number (as opposed to directly asking "wanna go out\to a movie\etc sometime), I have engaged in an act (asking for her number) that implies potential romantic interest. This is not to be ignored, and separates me from a normal "friend" from the get-go.

Hopefully the mindset that women are more populus than men, and therefore are statistically competing for me, and therefore I should act as if they are, will help me in this endeavor. Moreover, I must try not to get too ahead of myself. I may know her after spending many dozens of hours with her already, but I don't know her near well enough to make any decision about the her or the potential future.

I may just be rambling, but it's very helpful for me to write these things out in a coherant way, as it allows me to more easily adapt the ideas to my framework instinctually. Comments are still welcome as I have a long road ahead of me - and probably many more similar situations in the future.



makuranososhi
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07 Dec 2008, 2:39 am

Talking things out is a good thing; solid realization. You're right that by showing the initiative, there is interest indicated - but I cannot understate the effects that pressure can have. From my experience, most people grow increasingly resistant/defensive if they believe that someone has an agenda for them. Not having expectation is good, and you are nowhere near the point of needing to make any decision - and even that will be merely to decide whether you want to date and start towards a relationship. All things in stages. Flirting is good. Have fun!


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My thanks to all the wonderful members here; I will miss the opportunity to continue to learn and work with you.

For those who seek an alternative, it is coming.

So long, and thanks for all the fish!