smalltalk?

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I'm NT, and while smalltalk can be annoying, it doesn't really bother me. However, I've started to pick up that people with AS really dislike smalltalk. Is this common or is it really a personal thing?

People with AS often have a distaste for small talk. It's very common. When a psychologist looks to make a diagnosis of AS, this is one of the things he will consider, whether the patient partakes voluntarily and happily in exchange of pleasantries or not.

I have found some personal differences in aspies. Some cannot brook small talk for more than a few moments before breaking out in a rash. Others seem to partake in some of it. Usually, they will tell you they don't particularly like it but must do it for social reasons. Although he or she may exist, I've never met an aspie who danced from circle to circle lapping up small talk with everyone at hand, like some NTs I know.

When asked, many aspies express great puzzlement at small talk. They don't seem to instictively grasp the necessity of keeping open channels to their brethren through the constant exchange of small talk (I discuss that in my article on the homepage). This is not to say aspies are uncommunicative. Most seem to want regular communication, as this website attests. But they are more often literal about their communication, which makes small talk seem nonsensical: why would one discuss the weather or how the family is doing, when we both see there are no clouds in the sky and the family's all in the room doing fine? Their inability to decode all the signals of small talk makes it frustrating for aspies. They seem to prefer a deeper level of conversation usually reserved for more intimate gatherings of people who want to indulge in philosophical discussion about issues, discoveries, facts, and other topics of compelling interest.

Another interesting phenomenon to note is that aspies, in a way, seem to have their own small talk among themselves or people they feel are privy to their modes of communication. This aspie small talk is characterized by brief, zany, disconnected statements, for the most part. It seems to be a test: "If you let me say this weird thing and don't jump ship, then I know we are in rapport." I've seen aspies do this to ususpecting NTs, and the NTs run for cover, flabbergasted. The people who understand throw in their own zany statements, and rapport is established.

Small talk doesn't really bother me per se. But I find it hard to do - hard to pay attention, etc. Takes a lot of thinking. But sometimes, very rarely, it is worth the effort.

I went to school with someone who turned out to have AS (she was the only person I got along with at this school, so it makes sence she'd have it too) - her daughter has AS and her son has HFA - anyway, she overheard a converstation between them where they were trying to figure out small talk and finally decided it must be something like grooming behavior in chimpanzees . . .

I don't enjoy small talk but I do force myself to do it. Sometimes small talk can lead to actual topics of conversation, which is very helpful for me, as I have a very hard time initiating conversations as it is. Working in retail, when I'm on the register I have to make small talk with atleast 50 people a day (usually a lot more). You just start saying the same things over and over again, and it becomes a routine/rote learned type of thing "Hi, how are you? Did you find everything you're looking for? Oh, what are you working on with all of this stuff...?" Etc. Occasionally, since I work in a craft store and I am interested in art, there will actually be someone who has something interesting to say, too. If I'm not in the mood, however, I really can't be bothered.

Hahah, well, I had never thought of it like that, but now that you mention it, that is how me and a lot of my weirder friends tend to communicate.

Hate it, hate it, hate it!

Say when I meet a new person at work, I do feel I have an obligation to participate in exchanging plesantries and all that blah, blah, blah so that i don't come across as a total jerk,... but after the first session I find small talk really aggravating and pointless.

I agree with it being pointless... it seems like a time-wasting cushioning people have to do before they can talk... why can't they just go straight into what they were intending to talk about?

I hate small talk. I understand that it's an important part of (NT) communication so I try to do it the best I can, but I find it really irritating.

My intent is not to argue what defines "smalltalk", though I'd say what's a piffling triviality to one person can be a grave matter of serious import to another person. Could write a whole paragraph but will stifle meandering urge.
While growing up peers avoided me (or I wasn't included)-because of my weirdness, which became an acquired identity. I didn't choose it, it was conferred upon me. Thus, it served as a selection/rejection tool-unconsciously. I'd be "myself", and people would quickly figure out whether they wished further dealings with me. The few who accepted me stuck around to get to know me better, while most were disconcerted & remained strangers. Didn't have a label yet, only eccentricities & quirks w/no discernable unifying theme.
Nowadays I try to minimize occasions that require smalltalk. If I've silly little things on my mind I share them in conversation between the deep meaningful important things. Can't segregate my personality, by only being half a person at a time. I've never behaved strangely for the purpose of getting a reaction. Internally motivated yet terrified of external reproach/negative attention. Keeps me out of trouble, just barely...
Note-this is all HINDSIGHT blahblahblah ! It made no sense to me at the time and it was excruciatingly miserable.

Same here. I think my biggest problem is that with most crowds I have to put on a mask and my inability to have constant comments and witty things to say can become a liability quick. Usually I can play it off even worst case scenareo but even then its nerveracking and I still feel like I'm slowly digging myself a hole when the feedback I get indicates what I had to say was kinda sub-par or weak sauce.

Here's the thing with small talk. It's gotten "programmed" into my brain so much that I think I fall back on it way too much. I use it whenever I can't think of anything interesting to say. I don't really mind it though - I often like talking about the little things in life, like the weather. I mean it affects everyone, doesn't it? I don't see why conversations always have to be all deep and insightful.

I hate small talk and have no intention of learning it beyond the little scripts that make life bearable.

I hate small talk. It's pointless and usually contains some degree of dishonesty. I don't see why people ask how the weather is when you can clearly see it's sunny outside. I don't see why people expect positive answers from questions like "How are things going for you?" when things aren't going well.

I can force myself to participate if needed, but I can feel the mental energy draining away from me while I participate. It doesn't matter if I know what to say. Social interactions, especially unplanned or distasteful ones, are draining to me.

That's very perceptive, really. It's just social behavior meant to establish rapport: not much more than that. and it IS deceptive. That's the whole point, actually. You present a front to other people that says, "Oh, I'm just a normal, successful, happy person, one that you can't attack because of weakness or stupidity or vulnerability in any other area."

Once rapport is established, then two people can start sharing relevant information, forming alliances, being a bit truthful, etc. Aspies don't seem to have this deviousness built in. They'll talk about deep and interesting information at the drop of a hat, or tell a stranger frankly that they aren't feeling well that day. NTs don't understand this. It comes across as childish and insane to an NT to reveal oneself so easily.



If you really want an explanation to your question, check out the following article--assuming you haven't already. The first part answers it. I hope you find it interesting:

http://www.wrongplanet.net/asperger.html?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&t=8480&start=0

I don't mind asking the stuff such as 'how are you' if I'm interested, and if they give me an honest answer. But if they don't ... I hate finding out later in the day that actually they were feeling really awful but they'd told me they were OK, because I feel guilty for not being more sympathetic towards them, or whatever. I've only really learned to do that in the past couple of years though, when everyone else started asking how people were, and it dawned on me after a while that I was supposed to return the question. I still feel stupid sometimes though. And the thing about smalltalk is that once that's run out (ie in under a minute usually for me) if it's not somebody with whom I have common ground, I can never think of anything to say. Then I start to feel awkward, then embarrassed ... so I end up going red. Oh yes, and I will tend to answer honestly when someone I know and trust asks me how I am, even though I always feel guilty for just talking about myself for ages. I'd much rather talk about the other person because for some reason I stand less chance of digging myself a hole. I think smalltalk's OK for buying time to think of something decent to say, but otherwise it's just a superficial niceity that I would happily do without. What also bugs me is when I'll ask people how something went, because I'm really interested, and they'll just say that it went OK - the idea of asking the question was for them to talk about it, yet they don't seem to understand that

small talk can be okay if people would stop acting so programmingly conventional all the time and just speak honest . But I guess that one of aspies traits is that,for the most part, we are honest people. But in the real world (the so-called "normal" people) were not honest. That why people emphasize tremendously on being honest and friendly, but nt arent' that. They must always follow the unwritten social rules at all times in intiatiating in a converstion. That why nt can't speak from the soul because it's hard to find it for them.

Damn, I have to learn not to speak the truth, apparently it's rude or something

Last edited by pad on 11 Dec 2005, 3:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.