how aspies respond to personal sharing, a question

Page 1 of 2 [ 17 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

Mysty
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Jun 2008
Age: 50
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,999

03 Jan 2009, 3:04 pm

I posted this question in another thread, but it didn't get any replies, I think just got lost in the discussion and my question not really seen. So I'll ask in a new thread.

I'm one of those "Aspie traits and NT traits" people. Mostly reading this board I find stuff I relate to from the aspie perspective, how I'm different and understanding those differences, and finding others have those same differences. But sometimes it can go the other direction.

So, I share personal information with someone about I feel about him, where he stands in my life. And, from my perspective, it's both information sharing and connecting. An intimate act of opening up and connecting (or trying to) with the other person. So, is an aspie going to see it as just information sharing, and respond, if at all, on that level only? Would an aspie, possibly, fail to see the attempt to connect, and thus fail to reciprocate it? Would they respond only if information needs to be given or asked for?



garyww
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Nov 2008
Age: 72
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,391
Location: Napa, California

03 Jan 2009, 3:15 pm

I personally find it likely, based upon my situation, that the communication to 'connect' would be interpretted as just informational type talk. You have to be pretty blunt for me to appreciate the message so words alone sometimes don't work very well. It's also pretty much a waste of time trying to 'flirt' as these 'signals' go largely unrecognized by most men who are somewhere on the spectrum.


_________________
I am one of those people who your mother used to warn you about.


garyww
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Nov 2008
Age: 72
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,391
Location: Napa, California

03 Jan 2009, 3:15 pm

I personally find it likely, based upon my situation, that the communication to 'connect' would be interpretted as just informational type talk. You have to be pretty blunt for me to appreciate the message so words alone sometimes don't work very well. It's also pretty much a waste of time trying to 'flirt' as these 'signals' go largely unrecognized by most men who are somewhere on the spectrum.


_________________
I am one of those people who your mother used to warn you about.


Greentea
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Jun 2007
Age: 58
Gender: Female
Posts: 5,678
Location: Middle East

03 Jan 2009, 3:15 pm

It depends, did you share something explicit or subtext? If it's an explicit message of wanting to get closer, they'll go for it if they're interested too, because we can understand verbal messages.

If what you did was show interest in getting closer via subtext, it depends. It's very complex. Don't forget that Aspies are at different stages of social awareness (if not, of course, intuition). Maybe the Aspie you show interest to is clueless, maybe it takes them a minute to grasp the subtext, maybe it takes them 20 years or they never grasp your underlying intention. And maybe, like me, they've learnt to look for subtext in every conversation so they'll grasp your intention right away.


_________________
So-called white lies are like fake jewelry. Adorn yourself with them if you must, but expect to look cheap to a connoisseur.


Last edited by Greentea on 03 Jan 2009, 3:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

millie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 25 Oct 2008
Age: 57
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,448

03 Jan 2009, 3:15 pm

i learned a bit about personal sharing from 12 step programs. and what i also learned was that i frequently broke the UNWRITTEN and UNSPOKEN code - which is: pretend to share what you really think, but couch it all in niceties and do not say what you really think about a person or their behaviour even if they ask you what you think or request your input or your views!

i kid you not. very strange indeed.



Sora
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Sep 2006
Gender: Female
Posts: 5,653
Location: Europe

03 Jan 2009, 3:27 pm

For me, I see it, I just can't connect. No idea how it's for others.

I see the attempt to connect, but I cannot do the reciprocal thing beyond what I've learnt so far (and will be learning).

The more I learn, the more people fantasise about how connective and empathic they assume I am because a pretty face, a pleasant smile and a compassionate gesture make people assume there is something of equal quality behind that.

And indeed I can like people, appreciate lots of people. But to me, there's no reason to talk to them, be with them, do something for them, listen to them, talk to them in a certain way just because I feel that about them.

The 2 - feeling something about someone and doing something about it are unconnected to me.


_________________
Autism + ADHD
______
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. Terry Pratchett


gramirez
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Nov 2008
Age: 26
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,880
Location: Barrington, Illinois

03 Jan 2009, 3:30 pm

MR wrote:
I'm one of those "Aspie traits and NT traits" people.

See, I'm one of those "Aspie traits and Aspie traits" people.


_________________
Reality is a nice place but I wouldn't want to live there


Mysty
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Jun 2008
Age: 50
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,999

03 Jan 2009, 4:07 pm

Greentea wrote:
It depends, did you share something explicit or subtext?


I'm puzzled by your question. I said what it was I shared. I shared with him how I felt about him.



Mysty
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Jun 2008
Age: 50
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,999

03 Jan 2009, 4:09 pm

Sora wrote:
For me, I see it, I just can't connect. No idea how it's for others.

I see the attempt to connect, but I cannot do the reciprocal thing beyond what I've learnt so far (and will be learning).

The more I learn, the more people fantasise about how connective and empathic they assume I am because a pretty face, a pleasant smile and a compassionate gesture make people assume there is something of equal quality behind that.

And indeed I can like people, appreciate lots of people. But to me, there's no reason to talk to them, be with them, do something for them, listen to them, talk to them in a certain way just because I feel that about them.

The 2 - feeling something about someone and doing something about it are unconnected to me.


Hm. Interesting.



marshall
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Apr 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 11,000
Location: Turkey

03 Jan 2009, 7:07 pm

I don't have any personal aversion to sharing. It's just that the opportunity rarely presents itself. People don't like to share personal information until they get comfortable through the shallow cocktail talk. That presents a big barrier to me. I'm more comfortable with honest talk than with small talk. I see it's the exact opposite for most NT's.

Most NT's don't like being "real". They like to act to give an impression, especially in groups. They establish their role in the group by acting a certain way with the others. I have trouble doing this little dance because it feels so unnatural and "fake" to me. Even flirting has a version of this small talk. People generally don't share their true feelings for each other until they've blabbered on for a while about something less important.



Mysty
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Jun 2008
Age: 50
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,999

03 Jan 2009, 7:55 pm

I'm not asking about how NTs respond, but how aspies do. NTs I'm used to dealing with. :)



marshall
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Apr 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 11,000
Location: Turkey

03 Jan 2009, 11:16 pm

MR wrote:
I'm not asking about how NTs respond, but how aspies do. NTs I'm used to dealing with. :)


Oh you mean aspies with other aspies? :?



Mysty
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Jun 2008
Age: 50
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,999

04 Jan 2009, 9:17 am

marshall wrote:
MR wrote:
I'm not asking about how NTs respond, but how aspies do. NTs I'm used to dealing with. :)


Oh you mean aspies with other aspies? :?


No, I just mean the person responding is aspie, not specifiying who they are responding to. And, like I said, I'm one of those in between people. Bob apsie and NT, or maybe neither aspie nor NT, however you want to look at it. I understand communicating for connecting with others. And I understand that sometimes I do it when I communicate, and sometimes, especially on the internet, I don't see that aspect of the communication from others. But I'm interested in how an aspie would see it. If it helps, maybe look at the question as an NT asking about the aspie perspective. And I do have a particular ongoing situation in mind, but I'm not wanting people to look at that, but just, I'm interested in generalities that I an consider and apply.



marshall
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Apr 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 11,000
Location: Turkey

04 Jan 2009, 5:34 pm

Okay. Sorry I misunderstood and went off on a tangent. I suppose I might also be on the borderline between aspie and NT as my test results say "you have both aspie and NT traits". However, I was diagnosed PDD-NOS when I was younger.

As I've grown older I've found that I do have a need and desire for connecting with people (though unfortunately that need isn't fulfilled very often). I also know what you mean when you mention that some aspect of communication is missing on the internet. I think I connect with others on a more intellectual level though, if that makes any sense. I generally have a sense of connectedness when I talk with people that I find mentally stimulating and the connection is more than just sharing information. There's also something emotional going on. I like to see the look of joy or intense interest on the other persons face when responding to something I say. I don't connect as well with people that I find boring even though they might have a nice personality. I don't respond as well to small talk alone. I like it when the other person tries to connect by showing an interest in my thoughts. That's what usually turns me on.

Maybe you're looking for a response from someone else though as I think I may be a bit in the same category as you (displaying both AS and NT traits). I decided to respond anyway though. Figured I'd at least bump the thread back up.



Kaysea
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Nov 2008
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 688

04 Jan 2009, 5:38 pm

re: OP. I think (at least for me) information-sharing is the principle way that we Aspies are able to connect with eachother. This is probably due to our logical, information/experience-oriented minds and inherent difficulties with emotion-sharing.