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blackcat
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03 Jan 2009, 4:08 pm

My mom called me retarded today and for one fleeting moment I thought I was going to stab her with an fork. This is not the first time that she has said that. It is merely the first time that I felt anything. I was in the kitchen after being woken up and told to make everyone breakfast. My step dad came into the kitchen and I promptly left(I am quite angry with him and also...I do not like others in my space while I cook). He, being the CHILD that he is told my mother right away and she stomps into the kitchen and say "You are retarded!". I said nothing and continued with the pancakes. Well, of course she can't just leave well enough alone. She keeps going with it "WHY do you have to act retarded" and stuff like that. I remain silent. Then she says she wants grits(while I am cooking her damn pancakes)and I say, quietly, whatever. I know it was wrong but it is a word that I use a out of habit and it slipped. She gets in my face and screams impossible(for me). "Who do you think you are? Do you think it's apropriate to say that to me? Now if I slapped the taste out of your mouth you'd think I was wrong, wouldn't you? You eat here right? Why can't yoi cook? What else do you do here?! Hello?! HELLO?! ! Can you hear me asking you a question?". All the while I feel like a cornered mouse and my head spins and I feel dizzy because of how loud she is and how close to my face she has gotten. Every sudden movement makes me cringe.

I know why she dislikes me so much...but I can't change it. See, this is where I fail. I tend to see everyone the in the same light. I dont see "Mother and therefor right or superior". I see mother...another human that is as capable of being wrong as any other person. Maybe I am retarded. IDK. I dont know anything anymore.


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ooOoOoOAnaOoOoOoo
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03 Jan 2009, 4:14 pm

It is so strange when parents call their kids retarded, sheesh. If anyone should accept you it should be your own mom and dad. I don't think my mom came right out and called me a retard, ever, not that I can recall. Don't know about my dad. My mom's family told me stories but they are biased against him. Judging by my family photos I was much happier when my parents were married. miserable after they split up, so I don't know if what my mother's family say can be trusted.



millie
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03 Jan 2009, 4:26 pm

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blackcat wrote:
My mom called me retarded today and for one fleeting moment I thought I was going to stab her with an fork. This is not the first time that she has said that. It is merely the first time that I felt anything. I was in the kitchen after being woken up and told to make everyone breakfast. My step dad came into the kitchen and I promptly left(I am quite angry with him and also...I do not like others in my space while I cook). He, being the CHILD that he is told my mother right away and she stomps into the kitchen and say "You are retarded!". I said nothing and continued with the pancakes. Well, of course she can't just leave well enough alone. She keeps going with it "WHY do you have to act retarded" and stuff like that. I remain silent. Then she says she wants grits(while I am cooking her damn pancakes)and I say, quietly, whatever. I know it was wrong but it is a word that I use a out of habit and it slipped. She gets in my face and screams impossible(for me). "Who do you think you are? Do you think it's apropriate to say that to me? Now if I slapped the taste out of your mouth you'd think I was wrong, wouldn't you? You eat here right? Why can't yoi cook? What else do you do here?! Hello?! HELLO?! ! Can you hear me asking you a question?". All the while I feel like a cornered mouse and my head spins and I feel dizzy because of how loud she is and how close to my face she has gotten. Every sudden movement makes me cringe.

I know why she dislikes me so much...but I can't change it. See, this is where I fail. I tend to see everyone the in the same light. I dont see "Mother and therefor right or superior". I see mother...another human that is as capable of being wrong as any other person. Maybe I am retarded. IDK. I dont know anything anymore.



oh my goodness. sounds like my delightful childhood and adolescence. i get on with my mum now, but she was very abusive when i was young. i hope you can find some people on WP to help you through and to support you.

go and bury yourself in your special interest if you have one.



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03 Jan 2009, 5:01 pm

In that same situation, with her screaming inches away from me, I think I would have punched your mother in the face. Course, I also would have simply refused to cook breakfast for people who obviously despise me and how I am. It's tough when you're dependent for food and shelter from people like that.

My only advice (not that you asked for it, but here it is) would be to get a job after school, get involved in activities or church or anything that keeps you away from them until you go off to college. They poison you by giving you nothing to compare yourself with except them. If they won't accept you, then stay away.


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2ukenkerl
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03 Jan 2009, 5:25 pm

Gee,I thought you were a LITTLE older. Oh well, a bit more time and you can MOVE OUT if you want. Your mother sounds like one that expects her kids to act a CERTAIN way. You already said she accused you of "acting white". She apparently ALSO keeps calling you retarded. Frankly, she doesn't sound like someone that should be offering such opinions. Just realize three things:

1. Your friends have called you SMART, even while saying you do SOME dumb things.(The dumb comment actually tells you they weren't trying to flatter you, etc... So it actually reinforces the idea of being smart, to a degree!)
2. Your mother is OBVIOUSLY VERY ethnic. You don't fit the stereotype, and she is angry, so she is almost REQUIRED to insult and yell. And that includes going right up TO YOUR FACE! It might sound racist, but that IS stereotypical black. Of course, ALL mothers(regardless of race) do SOME of that.
3. She has accused you of being stupid, but ALSO of "acting white". Of course, many whites ARE stupid, but that is certainly not what she meant. You are black, so I assume you are not pro KKK. So WHAT did she mean? That you try to work on your homework, try to fit in, and speak properly? PROBABLY! In fact, I have seen MANY blacks, even on black comedies(written by and starring blacks), doing that!! If so, that flies in the face of calling you retarded! It is almost a backhanded compliment! SURE, some low class or VERY ethnic blacks consider it an insult, but other blacks would consider it a compliment!

Realize that everyone has mothers that speak in a similar fashion. My mother has never called me retarded, but she called me stupid and slapped me at least once. I had everything in perspective though.

BTW, the whatever comment is technically a way of saying that you give up even though you see no sense in the argument. Mothers often take that as backtalking, but they SHOULD try to consider YOUR point of view. That is HER failing. If she has a point, she should try to explain it, CALMLY!



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03 Jan 2009, 5:25 pm

I'm so sorry that your mom treated you that way. It was very mean, and disrespectful. If she wants you to contribute to household duties then she needs to sit down, and discuss what, when, and how chores, and such need to be done. Waking you up, and demanding food like you're a slave, and yelling at you was childish.

You're not worthless, and what happened was not your fault. Obviously, your family has some pretty big issues that they're taking out on you for whatever reason. They are the one with the problem, not you. I've never gotten in my daughter's face, and yelled at her for anything, no matter what she did, nor have I ever called her names.

I agree with Sacrip. Find other places to be, and possibly obtain support from. Everybody needs to have positive feedback from time to time, and you're obviously not going to get it from your family.



blackcat
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03 Jan 2009, 5:59 pm

Thank you all for your responses. I am feeling slightly less suicidal because of them.


ooOoOoOAnaOoOoOoo: I like your name. It is very semetrical...I am sorry that your parents split. Mine are divorced too but I have never met my father. That must suck.

millie: I hope to one day be able to get on with my mother as well. My special interest is no longer good enough. I cannot sit and listen to my music without constant interruption from her or my sister(she is four and probably VHFA. I would say AS, but she had a speech delay.).

sacrip: I wanted to puch her, but I did that once before and I now know to just take it. I cannot refuse to do anything. I have to clean my sisters room today even though she made me do it yesterday after she(sister)destroyed it. I cannot say no. It is not allowed. Yes, it sucks to be so damn helpless. I want to be on my own but I am so naive and socially inept that I would not last very long. I mean...I could care for my self, but not well. I would be clean but my clothes would likely be very...comfortable(and therefor bad) and I tend to forget to eat when left to my own devices. I think I will try the whole job thing again.

2ukenkerl: I am older. I am no longer that little 10th grader that I was when we first became aquainted. It has been two years now(my how the time flies...). I still remember that post...Am I Autistic or Am I just weird?! !! I think it was. Anyway, I digress. Yes, I can move out soon enough but I dont think I could really handle it. She still tells me that I act white...or that I wish i were white. Sometimes I do. It would be easier...I would fit in better. Anyway, she is not the steriotypical black person herself. She dislikes me because I am extreme. You know...I am into rock and screamo and I have that punkish sounding voice. Yeah...they said I was smart. I dont think so. Those people arent even my friends anymore. The girl whose gloves I ruined(remember me mentioning that?) just stopped talking to me one day last year. All the others found reasons to dislike me.

serenity: I am worthless and it was my fault. I shouldn't have said it. And I should stop running out of rooms when other people enter. I will assume that your daughter has not done anything quite as bad as I have. I talk back constantly without even relizing it.


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2ukenkerl
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03 Jan 2009, 6:28 pm

blackcat wrote:
2ukenkerl: I am older. I am no longer that little 10th grader that I was when we first became aquainted. It has been two years now(my how the time flies...). I still remember that post...Am I Autistic or Am I just weird?! !! I think it was. Anyway, I digress. Yes, I can move out soon enough but I dont think I could really handle it. She still tells me that I act white...or that I wish i were white. Sometimes I do. It would be easier...I would fit in better. Anyway, she is not the steriotypical black person herself. She dislikes me because I am extreme. You know...I am into rock and screamo and I have that punkish sounding voice. Yeah...they said I was smart. I dont think so. Those people arent even my friends anymore. The girl whose gloves I ruined(remember me mentioning that?) just stopped talking to me one day last year. All the others found reasons to dislike me.


Regarding when we "met", I think you are right in every aspect. And you asked me not to say your name, and I haven't said it since. I don't know what screamo is, but a LOT of blacks at least WERE into rock, so I doubt that is it. As for fitting in better, don't bet on it. Whites are sometimes ridiculed for various reasons, etc... After removing the STRONGLY ethnic that are against american ways, some hispanics, jewish people, and liberals, whites are probably technically a minority. And, outside of females, non ethnic whites are the only non protected class. Too many figure that being white is an instant meal ticket. I am in debt, don't have enough saved up for retirement, have no pension, and worked for every penny I have. I have made LOTS of people RICH, but I am not. Yet I am better off than MOST whites. Many whites here can tell you they are pretty bad off. Conversly, there are plently of blacks that are VERY rich. HECK, OBAMA, the U.S. president elect, is black! He has made more than I do for several years, at least, and, as president, his base salary will be several times what mine is. He HAS SEVERAL pensions. I doubt he really has any debt.

TRUE friends are probably RARE! I often speak about an elvis movie "clam bake" that speaks to that. Elvis is a rich guy that has EVERYTHING going for him, and he tries to appear to be FAR worse off so he can find a woman that loves him for who he IS! GRANTED it is a love story, but the same thing goes for a platonic relationship between friends. And it shows the two extremes. One person tries to appear far BETTER off to get love at all costs, and another tries to appear far WORSE to make sure he doesn't end up with some stupid gold digger.

So don't be discouraged if you lose friends. It is BOUND to happen. Heck, I missed a LOT of social events simply because of my dislike of sports. Although I guess I can't blame them, they really can't blame me.

I don't know WHAT your voice sounds like, but I doubt it is as bad as my interpretation of your words would suggest.



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03 Jan 2009, 8:32 pm

I hate the word "retarded." My parents actually get angry when I use the word to describe myself, because they know I'm not. Still, I get frustrated at my inability to do simple things even though I have a Master's degree in English and have typically excelled at tasks involving use of language, such as writing, proofreadring, spelling and library work.

However, I do incredibly dumb things. I feel like a klutz at times and can't seem to see things people point to. I felt humiliated when I saw a show on dogs last week that said they could locate things immediately when people pointed at them. I'm not as smart as a dog-or a cat. I have often thought my cats are much smarter than I am. They can sure fake me out at times!



snuuz
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03 Jan 2009, 9:05 pm

Blackcat, you are clearly not retarded because of very clear, cogent post. It's an unfortunate reality that some parents remain angry because they didn't have the "perfect" child who acts in the way they desire. It is not your fault and hang in there.



2ukenkerl
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03 Jan 2009, 9:39 pm

snuuz wrote:
Blackcat, you are clearly not retarded because of very clear, cogent post. It's an unfortunate reality that some parents remain angry because they didn't have the "perfect" child who acts in the way they desire. It is not your fault and hang in there.


We can certainly agree on THAT!

At one point, blackcat spoke of how she had skewed senses, much as I do. Some might consider THAT STUPID! Some might even have called her retarded for THAT. But others might even react WORSE if they had the same sensitivities. Another time she spoke of how she slept in an odd fashion. Heck, I have done odd things. People considered THAT stupid. So she is different, BIG DEAL!

Hey, people laughed at Ignaz Semmelweis too, and he was DISGRACED by the medical community! They commited him to an asylum supposedly believing he was INSANE(Even though death rates fell as much as 90%! !! !!), and he was beaten to death! Lister started doing it 2 years after Semmelweis died. Today, it is technically illegal to not follow his advice, in food handling, surgery, etc..., and considered a good practice. So a doctor died because people didn't want to wash their hands! Granted, blackcat may never be the next Semmelweis, but WHO KNOWS? But don't all of semmelweis' detractors sound like morons now!?!?!? A simple action that could take SECONDS, and cost practically nothing, wasn't even really tried, but ridiculed. I guess it is good that lister's father made it easier to see the cause so lister could actually show people before and after images, huh? Otherwise HE might have been killed also. Maybe pasteur's moldy dishes might have just been thrown out! Some people just don't think before ridiculing something.



neshamaruach
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04 Jan 2009, 12:45 am

blackcat, I grew up with a mother who was a screamer and when I was 17, my self confidence and self-image were <0. I didn't think I could handle being on my own either, but I did it. I learned to cook, I got a job, I paid for a room in a house, and most of all, I had a break from the constant emotional and verbal abuse that were in the air I breathed.

For the moment, if you can, please consider spending some time at other people's houses. That's what I did in high school and it really helped me clear my head. I'd go over a friend's house, let it be too late to come home, and call my parents and say, "Hi, so-and-so's parents invited me to dinner and to sleep over, so I'll be here overnight." I spent most of my senior year in other people's houses.

If you have to stay in that crazy house, please get a counselor or a minister to talk to who can tell you that what is going on IS NOT YOUR FAULT. I don't care what you said or did--NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO ABUSE YOU IN ANY WAY. NO ONE. NOT YOUR PARENTS. NOT A PARTNER. NOT A STRANGER. NO ONE.

You have a basic human right to be treated with respect. If other people can't hold it together, that is their problem.

Really, I've been there. It sucks. But you have to believe in yourself and in the possibilities of life being better. Trust me, I was the most clueless 17-year-old the world has ever known, and I got out and got myself a life. You can too.


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Followthereaper90
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04 Jan 2009, 3:23 am

neshamaruach wrote:
blackcat, I grew up with a mother who was a screamer and when I was 17, my self confidence and self-image were <0. I didn't think I could handle being on my own either, but I did it. I learned to cook, I got a job, I paid for a room in a house, and most of all, I had a break from the constant emotional and verbal abuse that were in the air I breathed.

For the moment, if you can, please consider spending some time at other people's houses. That's what I did in high school and it really helped me clear my head. I'd go over a friend's house, let it be too late to come home, and call my parents and say, "Hi, so-and-so's parents invited me to dinner and to sleep over, so I'll be here overnight." I spent most of my senior year in other people's houses.

If you have to stay in that crazy house, please get a counselor or a minister to talk to who can tell you that what is going on IS NOT YOUR FAULT. I don't care what you said or did--NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO ABUSE YOU IN ANY WAY. NO ONE. NOT YOUR PARENTS. NOT A PARTNER. NOT A STRANGER. NO ONE.

You have a basic human right to be treated with respect. If other people can't hold it together, that is their problem.

Really, I've been there. It sucks. But you have to believe in yourself and in the possibilities of life being better. Trust me, I was the most clueless 17-year-old the world has ever known, and I got out and got myself a life. You can too.
this also U CAN say to him gtfo go and have fun whith your friends if u feel like that thats what most people do and he wants u to be normal? hmm lets see starding couple days drinking should be enough :twisted:


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blackcat
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04 Jan 2009, 3:44 am

neshamaruach wrote:
blackcat, I grew up with a mother who was a screamer and when I was 17, my self confidence and self-image were <0. I didn't think I could handle being on my own either, but I did it. I learned to cook, I got a job, I paid for a room in a house, and most of all, I had a break from the constant emotional and verbal abuse that were in the air I breathed.

For the moment, if you can, please consider spending some time at other people's houses. That's what I did in high school and it really helped me clear my head. I'd go over a friend's house, let it be too late to come home, and call my parents and say, "Hi, so-and-so's parents invited me to dinner and to sleep over, so I'll be here overnight." I spent most of my senior year in other people's houses.

If you have to stay in that crazy house, please get a counselor or a minister to talk to who can tell you that what is going on IS NOT YOUR FAULT. I don't care what you said or did--NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO ABUSE YOU IN ANY WAY. NO ONE. NOT YOUR PARENTS. NOT A PARTNER. NOT A STRANGER. NO ONE.

You have a basic human right to be treated with respect. If other people can't hold it together, that is their problem.

Really, I've been there. It sucks. But you have to believe in yourself and in the possibilities of life being better. Trust me, I was the most clueless 17-year-old the world has ever known, and I got out and got myself a life. You can too.



I have tried that. I only have one friend and her parents love me like I was their own child. They always seem to have a reason that I should come over. But my mother became angry with me for always going to their house on the way home(the give me a ride every day because I cannot handle the bus)and told me that I could never go over their house again because I "don't know how to act". I was there too often for her liking and when I would spend the night I would not come home immediately the next morning but stay and play on the tranpoline(it makes me feel good...I can pretend I am on another planet)or chase the puppy. I usually come home around 16:00 but that was unacceptable even though my younger sister(15) did not return from her friends house until 23:00 that night.

I went to the school counselor. She is a great woman but she does not understand what I try to tell her. I cannot speak her language("normal")and she always tells me to change. I mean...any problem I have it's change. She has been sucked in. She agrees with my mother. I hate that her communication skills are so much better than my own. I had a shrink who could somewhat understand me but told me one day that she just did not know what was going on with me. My mother pulled me out of it the day before I was to be seen by a woman who specialized in ASD. She skipped a few of my appointments prior to that.

I am trying very hard believe it or not....I am at a loss. I am to that point that I will either run away or do something incredibly stupid.


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blackcat
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04 Jan 2009, 3:45 am

9CatMom wrote:
I hate the word "retarded." My parents actually get angry when I use the word to describe myself, because they know I'm not. Still, I get frustrated at my inability to do simple things even though I have a Master's degree in English and have typically excelled at tasks involving use of language, such as writing, proofreadring, spelling and library work.

However, I do incredibly dumb things. I feel like a klutz at times and can't seem to see things people point to. I felt humiliated when I saw a show on dogs last week that said they could locate things immediately when people pointed at them. I'm not as smart as a dog-or a cat. I have often thought my cats are much smarter than I am. They can sure fake me out at times!


I never know what anyone is pointing to either.


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04 Jan 2009, 11:16 am

blackcat wrote:
9CatMom wrote:
I hate the word "retarded." My parents actually get angry when I use the word to describe myself, because they know I'm not. Still, I get frustrated at my inability to do simple things even though I have a Master's degree in English and have typically excelled at tasks involving use of language, such as writing, proofreadring, spelling and library work.

However, I do incredibly dumb things. I feel like a klutz at times and can't seem to see things people point to. I felt humiliated when I saw a show on dogs last week that said they could locate things immediately when people pointed at them. I'm not as smart as a dog-or a cat. I have often thought my cats are much smarter than I am. They can sure fake me out at times!


I never know what anyone is pointing to either.


I don't either!! !! !! !! !! And they often say something like "See that sign down there?", and I see like 5 that could easily be the ones.

The DOGS probably cheated by being trained or smelling the scent. Cats are KNOWN for being devious! Sorry if anyone finds that offensive, but they are.

blackcat,

I don't REALLY know you, but you sound nice and certainly DON'T sound retarded. You ARE odd but, as I said, some odd people, even ones committed to insane asylums for it, ended up helping humanity, even with the idea that people locked them up for!

I have known people that acted JUST like your mother, and a LOT of mothers are similar. MY mother was similar. My mother often gave threats, told me I could end up with my father, who she denigrated all the time. I KNEW I literally could NOT live with my father! At the time, his little apartment LITERALLY smelled like an ash tray. He slept ALL the time, except work and while listening to sports. He didn't want a kid hanging around. And, though I wasn't called "retarded", being called "stupid" was bad enough. Living with her was NOT easy.