When and how to discuss certain things

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Tim_Tex
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04 Jan 2009, 9:29 pm

I think one of my major pitfalls when it comes to dating is how to communicate with someone and when to discuss certain topics. "When" does not refer to a length of time, it refers to how much and what things are known about that person.

I need to know the following:

1. At what point is it best to discuss the move from friendship to a relationship?

2. At what point should sex be discussed?

3. If someone is unwilling to compromise, or very reluctant to do so, is there any way around the issue in which they won't compromise?



sunshower
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04 Jan 2009, 9:48 pm

I think 1. is very instinctual, so it's hard to have concrete advice on that one.

2. The most fail safe solution for this (if you're a guy in a heterosexual relationship) is to wait until the partner brings it up, cause if you bring it up first there's a chance they might not be ready to consider it yet and will feel you're pressuring them into it, which i think can destroy a relationship. I know it's possible that a guy could feel a girl is pressuring him into having sex when he's not ready for it, but it's less likely.


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Tim_Tex
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04 Jan 2009, 10:14 pm

That's good advice so far.

Is there some sort of trend when it comes to question #1, or is it one of those "if it feels good, ask" questions?



sunshower
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04 Jan 2009, 10:23 pm

3. That depends on the issue. If the person really doesn't want to compromise, and it's just one specific thing, then you're probably better off sacrificing your own wants on that issue and conceding it to them. There will probably be other issues in which they will put your wants first. The "give" part of the give and take of the relationship.


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Tim_Tex
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04 Jan 2009, 10:32 pm

Good answer to question #3, as long as it doesn't entail giving up my education and career.



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04 Jan 2009, 10:37 pm

3) In healthy relationships, there are inevitably disagreements. Sometimes there is compromise, though often the end result isn't always fair. Idealy, you want to "win" about half the time (for the love of god, don't start actually keeping track though). Just remember that, in a healthy relationship, both parties normally want what's best for the relationship, even if someone has to concede more than that someone wants.

^ As a shrink informed me.

The other two? Haven't been in a relationship, so I couldn't tell you.


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CanyonWind
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04 Jan 2009, 10:37 pm

Tim_Tex wrote:
I need to know the following:

1. At what point is it best to discuss the move from friendship to a relationship?


Between kisses.

Tim_Tex wrote:
2. At what point should sex be discussed?


After having sex.

Tim_Tex wrote:
3. If someone is unwilling to compromise, or very reluctant to do so, is there any way around the issue in which they won't compromise?


Never, ever, under any circumstances, consider becoming involved in a relationship where this is an issue. You don't want to find out what happens to the guy under these circumstances.

Cultivate a habit with meth or crack, camp out on the fast lane of the interstate, buy a shotgun and blow your brains out, anything would be a better idea than trying to solve this one.


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Tim_Tex
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04 Jan 2009, 10:52 pm

CanyonWind wrote:

Never, ever, under any circumstances, consider becoming involved in a relationship where this is an issue. You don't want to find out what happens to the guy under these circumstances.

Cultivate a habit with meth or crack, camp out on the fast lane of the interstate, buy a shotgun and blow your brains out, anything would be a better idea than trying to solve this one.


I thought that last paragraph was hilarious.


As far as compromise goes, I hold the belief that as long as something is legal and/or morally acceptable, there is no "right" or "wrong" way in anything, and that nothing stays constant.



sunshower
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04 Jan 2009, 11:24 pm

Tim_Tex wrote:
Good answer to question #3, as long as it doesn't entail giving up my education and career.


Yeah, that's a compromise you should not make.


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Tim_Tex
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05 Jan 2009, 9:36 am

sunshower wrote:
Tim_Tex wrote:
Good answer to question #3, as long as it doesn't entail giving up my education and career.


Yeah, that's a compromise you should not make.


Yet that's the one I would have been required to make in most cases, because nearly everybody I become interested in lives outside of my geographical area, and they were limiting themselves to their own geographical areas, and I can't just transfer to a college just to meet someone's geographical location requirement (which they were unwilling to compromise on).

I would never expect or ask someone to transfer to Texas State if they wanted any chance of dating me. It wouldn't be fair to them.