Big NO-NOs in NT society

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Greentea, like many others have said, you really do need to write a book on this stuff.

Thank you very much, metal man. Writing a whole book sounds boring to me, but maybe I could write a collection of one-pagers on different topics, my observations of NT society, as I do here on WP.

lol. They might think you're being "fake" or something like that. Also depending on the region, those same NTs would b***h about you being 'rude' in front of them...



add them on to this wikibook. register if you want to.

http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/A_survival ... c_spectrum



people say that looks "creepy" to many NTs apparently.



odd...many people would be pkay with that.... depends



lulz. They thought you were one of those people bitching about "Speak English" and "Make America English-Only" and the other xenophobic s**t

EDIT: amalgated all my posts.

Last edited by Warsie on 10 Jan 2009, 7:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

That's what I see all day in school and what I definetely dislike. Though you can't ask me to start to use slang. Come on.

-Never ne sarcastic

-Never be cynical

-Never tell them why they're wrong

-Never be ''overfriendly''

-Never be polite and nice (at least, when you're a high school teenager. I still am polite)

-Don't ever know a lot, people dislike you when they know you know much and start to see you as a loser.

-Never get bored listening to their monologues about themselves (who says aspies are the ones who have the monologues??! )

I too do this after a job about 10 years ago where i was told to speak harshly to my coworkers. By a coworker. It bugged him that i was civil. From then on I was extra polite. polite-spite, as it were!

And I recall as a kid being told that I shouldnt speak above the level of my peers.

Self-awareness and thinking for one's self is a capital offense.

Interesting comments so far....

Yes, for years I was told that I was "too polite", whatever that means.

I used to have a habit of revealing too much honest information about myself, which would eventually backfire, as I learned the hard way. I try to be more careful about what I say, but I still have the problem of sometimes trusting too soon.

I also had the problem, like somebody mentioned already, that when others gossip, they want you to gossip too! People have been very annoyed at me for staying quiet. I´m still not sure what one is supposed to do in that situation. I tend to avoid it by not being friends with gossipers anymore.

For much of my life, people have said "don´t think, just do", or I´ve been accused, often, of "analyzing too much". I used to think it was a problem I had, because so many people said it in a rather negative way, but maybe it just ties in with what greentea said about NTs not liking to delve much into internal thought processes.

If you're weird, you'll always be weird. Even if you do something 'normal', they'll still call it weird.

Don't be honest. At the same time, don't lie.

Dress like everyone else, but talk about how 'you' the clothing you're wearing is.

To say you dislike a gift someone has just got and shown you, it has a hidden meaning to most NTs that says you are saying you dislike the person who gave it or the person showing you it because they may like the item.

How true! I've never understood why what I talk about is apparently "boring", whilst the nonsense they spout about any old rubbish is extremely interesting.

I can see people switching off when I discuss anything with them (even if I think I'm tuning into their kind of topics), but the same people will happily listen to someone going on about the latest Soap or football match in lurid detail.

The main thing is that you have to be concerned about their feelings or you are not accepted, but they will NEVER return the favor. Do you really think an NT forum would have a thread like this?

If you talk about something you know a lot about, people think you are on your high horse and is insulted. My favorite is when they question your credibility on that subject.

On the monologues, it's not just that. Unless you know the NT and know how they are, just expect your listener to have the attention span of a gold fish, so you have to be short, to the point, and use Sesame Street level of expertise.

Volunteering too much information. That's bad because it's like giving ammunition to the enemy. This is where the honesty vs. lies come in. You can tell the truth, but you don't have to reveal all the truth. The fact that you can be so open about it is just weird. Why wouldn't you try to hide anything about yourself? Do you think you are better than me? That's what I get from the NT response at least.

Deep thoughts. I just had an epiphany on it. TIMING. It isn't that they don't think deep, they just don't do it as often as we do. Imagine you are trying to do the dishes, you got the water running, your baby is screaming for a bottle, and you are trying to make that bottle, the phone is ringing, and you are worried that you might be late paying the electric bill in the back of your mind. Then, as you are doing all this, the husband walks in and says, "Honey, I think we need to start going to church again because ...." If it is something you are interested in as an Aspie, you are more apt to talk about it amidst all that, but if you are not interested, you are probably going to have the same annoyed response as an NT when your timing on the deep thoughts is off. You have to get them when they're in the mood for it, like when they are high on weed before the munchies kick in (after the munchies, they have no idea what you are talking about). Some NT's of course, like Aspies, think deeper and more often than others, and you should save your deep thoughts for them and not waste them on people who don't care. I do also think that the deep conversations is a bonding behavior with them, so to try to bond when they don't want to or don't know you well enough for it is uncomfortable to them. Kinda like a dog sniffing butt behavior.

Opinions. NT's really don't care about your opinions, even when they ask for it sometimes (which I think them asking for it is something they do as a social etiquette rather than a real interest, and I have yet to really learn the social etiquette response, but I think it's to agree with them and add to it), so save it for blogging. If you do give out your opinion, they will often construe it as you believing it to be fact, so if they disagree, you don't know what you are talking about and therefore, you are now stupid. While that may not sound like a big deal except to your ego, it is in the office environment and for credibility issues.

Chit Chat. You are supposed to par take in the serious conversation about how you are, the weather, football and soaps (as mentioned earlier), and anything else they come up with that has no bearing on life. That's how they warm up to the bonding type conversations like a deep thought based one. If the dog sniffing the butt is a bonding thing, then this is the dog sniffing out the scent on the ground and air type thing.

Attitude, always keep things positive, but that doesn't mean you have to constantly smile and appear happy. You are expected to be sad, but you can do it with a positive attitude. Any type of negativity is a threat to the social system. And nobody wants to hear you gripe and complain, or they will offer some cheese with that whine type thing.

If you feel the need to complain about something, approach it from a comedic type perspective (like Chris Rock). That's okay because to NT's, you are not really complaining but being funny. Oftentimes, I find pointing out a logical fallacy like "They do this, then they do that?" often is construed as humor. Especially when you throw in something that makes all the sense in your Aspie mind but doesn't to them...Like today, I had an issue at Kroger (a grocery store) about something. Afterwards, I was heated. As I was getting gas right after it, basically, it went like this... "Man, I'm sorry I'm a little shaky. Kroger just really p!ssed me off. I wrote a check for my groceries, and they wouldn't take it because it wasn't my current address on the check and was not local. It was my old military address. I explained that and they didn't care. Who really throws away their old checks and orders new ones just to change their address, especially if they move around a lot? Why punish the veteran? The guy was even telling me how his son is in the military and just got back from Afganistan, so he "understands" what I'm going through, like that freaking matters. What does his son being in Afganistan have to do with my check? I told him if I ever see Kroger claim to support their troops, I going to sue them for false advertisement. The sad thing is, they wouldn't even take the good check. They took the one that has no money in it because the address is local. Even worse, they wouldn't over write it for some extra cash because I supplied them with two different checks with two different addresses. Like it's okay if I were fraudulently writing a check for groceries but not okay for cash?" The people at the gas station were laughing hard core swearing they knew my pain and even saying, I hear you. I'm probably still referred to as the crazy lady, but it was much more acceptable when they thought it was funny. I wasn't trying to be funny, but it came out that way I guess. What I do think was funny was when I sent an internet customer complain to Kroger.com, I mentioned in the end how their policy and "awesome" customer service just lost them about $10,000 a year cause that's what I spend there, and that Walmart's annual report will now be $8,000 happier (had to adjust for pricing). I personally thought that was funny to adjust for pricing, but I'm sure I'm alone on that one.

Sorry so long, but I assume since y'all aspie, you're more apt to forgive the monologue.

Tantybi, thank you so much for your post! I learned a couple very new to me and wonderful insights. Where did you learn that? I mean, about the deep conversations being seen by NTs as a way to bond, etc. So wise!

its hard to find the right balance between too polite and too angry, or whatever you call it

i always f**k it up and i'll say please and thank you at the wrong time and people will look at me wierd or i wont say it at the right time and people will be pissed at me and say something like "what is wrong with you"

i've figured out the trick is that you have to know which is the right time, unfortunately i cant though because i dont know

Thank you. I didn't really learn it as much as observe I guess, so I can still be totally wrong on it, but that's just how I see it.

Actually, my biggest problem is the monologues because I think in circles, and the way I find the main point is to just keep circling my thoughts until the eye of my thought hurricane becomes clear, if that makes sense. That's kinda what happened in that post. I kept writing in circles and deleting (the original response was three times longer than that...lol). Like on the deep thinking part, I had lots of examples on it, and as I kept thinking and analyzing my own examples, I realized the best way to word what I was trying to say, and it came out in timing and bonding. Then, I did the same thing here and deleted and such, and I think the bonding is because when you do have a deep conversation that goes well, you tend to connect with the person better. While that's not a necessity for an Aspie to feel close to someone, it seems that way more for NTs.

A few more things I learned the hard way:

1) If you have trouble with recognizing faces, try not to show it, if that´s at all possible for you. People get really offended if you don´t remember them! If someone asks "have you 2 met?", and you´re not sure- (this happens to me all the time)- hesitate one moment before answering, and let the other person answer. Whatever they say, you can just agree. If they don´t answer right away, and you have to say something, better to say you think you´ve met; if you turn out to be wrong, you can "realize" that you confused them with someone else. At least, people seem to be less offended that way. This works for me now most of the time...(except the few times when a strange man acted like he knew me in the street, and I found out as time went on that he was only chatting me up...)

2) If you´re a young person trying to figure out social situations, DON`T learn them from the intimate environment of your family. One thing I´ve learned is that for some reason, people seem to treat family members and other intimate relationships with less respect than other social contacts, and often all the rules of regular conversation go out the window- (this was true big time in my family, so I made these same mistakes with my peers...until well into adulthood). I liken it to trying to learn a foreign language from someone who makes constant grammatical errors. If you want to learn properly, watch how family members are with other (non-family, non-intimate) people. I always found that a funny concept, that people "change" in different social situations...I think I tend to act pretty much the same, I´m just sort of me wherever I go.

3) I guess another big "no no" is telling someone you want to be alone or you need space, when they want to be social. Many people don´t seem to understand wanting time off and being alone, so they get offended if you say that.

4) Not laughing at someone´s jokes.