Innapropriate staring and borderline stalking

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I think Tortuga has an excellent suggestion that you should try. This stalking behavior is unfortunately normal for Aspie males but usually starts later in life. You need to nip this behavior in the bud before he becomes set in this behavior otherwise he'll eventually end up in jail. I have been stalked by several Aspie males and this is just how they go about TRYING to get a girlfriend. One Aspie co-worker began stalking me at church and work. I had to quit attending church because of him. Work turned into absolute hell and the weird thing is I'm not even attractive. But since I am AS female it attracts the AS males. A lot of times NT's are to blame for the stalking behavior taking root. Mothers and for that matter the media tell guys if a girl turns you down or ignores you must keep persisting and it will eventually wear her down till she says yes. But AS guys persisting till the ends of the Earth turns into stalking. Females do not like being stalked.

You need to quit seeing this as a childhood issue and stop his behavior or eventually he will be viewed as a creep and never have friends of any kind as an adult.

Ticker (and Tortuga) - Thanks. You are right, and that is our biggest concern. The fact that he is only 11 and SO obsessed with this girl really worries us. Nipping it in the bud and getting counselling is our plan.

He now says he doesn't like her anymore - even if that is true, we know that it could now be transferred to another girl. The teachers, and the school counsellor are keeping a close watch on him. We have yet to get an outside resource (psychologist or social worker) to see him yet. I have some more sources to call early this week.

We know this could turn very serious as he gets into his teen and young adult years. He could absolutely ruin his otherwise bright future - which is one of the things we really stress to him.

DadX4 -This is so good that you are taking the issue seriously and addressing it while it can still be easily addressed. Its a serious problem for many Aspies, mainly the males, but even as a female I pursued people I was enamored with in middle school and high school. It comes from our social awkwardness in being impressed or looking up to certain people and sometimes being sexually attracted but it comes off the wrong way and gets Aspies in trouble.

Part of the problem also is Aspergers always have high testosterone both men and women. That's why sometimes AS is called extreme maleness. It has always made me wonder if lowering testosterone in Aspies might benefit them though I know that's a touchy issue among males in our society and I'm not sure its a good idea regardless to tamper with people's hormones. Though I'm super curious over oxytocin supplementation.

Be aware not only could it be tranferred to another girl in class, but much more likely a teacher. I always got enamored with those older, including teachers. And the AS guys that stalked me were always much younger than I. Though my ex's brother who is an Aspie is 45-ish and stalked a 19 yr old cashier just because she smiled at him and asked "how are you". Maybe its more like those who are not of our same age are less threatening or seem more easily approachable??

The problem with this is it is misleading and you are not really helping him form relationships in the future scaring him off girls. People with ASD need help forming relationships afteral, and I definitely thing it is good idea to start earlier. From my own experience it takes so long, and once you are older it is harder to catch up.

Its not really misleading. The chances are next to nil that a AS guy will ever impress a girl or have anything to offer her. Its the absolute truth. A lot of AS people that somehow end up in relationships are guilty of emotional abuse of their partners. So its best not to encourage a boy to get his hopes up and have unrealistic goals for life. Also you don't need to encourage the stalking behavior because they will end up with a police record instead of going onto having a good job.

i've been married to my wonderful AS husband for 17 years. we are happy.........it is possible for someone with AS to have a meaningful, respectful relationship............and frankly, even is this boy never has an appropriate physical relationship with a girl, he does need to learn appropriate boundaries in order to hold down a job.......

I don't understand whether a AS child is really obsessed with another child or not. Technically, the term obsession has more to do with recurrent/persistant, anxiety-provoking thoughts. But my 10-year old OCD/AS son has been in similar trouble for staring at, following, and calling a girl at school. And it's always the same girl and it's always unwelcome attention. Regardless of the reason, it's (heartbreaking but it's) unacceptable. We've had to remove all telephone privileges and he's not allowed contact at school. Thankfully, the girl is in another class and interaction is avoidable. I'm torn between believing he's niave and immature with no sex drive whatever (this started when he was 7) and believing WE'RE niave about his sex drive. And I hope social skills group will teach him the appropriate behavior around the object of his affection (aka godess) so that we don't have to constantly intervene.

I think you are being naive if you don't anticipate that your son has a higher sex drive than other kids his age. In case you don't know its widely known that most Aspergers both male and female have higher than normal testosterone levels from birth. So he probably has more T coursing through his veins than the average 7 yr old. Also kids are sexually maturing faster these days due to endocrine discrupters in so many foods they eat.

If you really want to push the point you could get his T level tested by a simple blood test.

I think you are mistaken to think the social skills class will teach him appropriate non-stalking behavior unless you have discussed it with the instructor. Most social skills classes teach eye contact and pat answers to social chit chat questions. You will need to repeatedly discuss appropriateness around others with him plus have a psychologist and maybe even your church minister (if you attend) discuss it with him. He needs to have the whole subject reinterated again and again by people he respects. You have to say it over and over again to get through thick Aspie heads.

I was half expecting comments like that from Ticker.

Ticker your perception is not that realistic, it is quite a simplified version of the world, and some things are just not the case, probably from misinterpreting things.

If you have a link with testosterone levels, I would like to see the actual papers. You might be confusing this with the research of exposure to testosterone in the womb. Testosterone exposure during gestation is NOT the same as hormone imbalances. You may have a hormone imbalance but the doesn't mean the your high testosterone is indication that all ASD have high testosterone. The prevalence may be no different that the general population and even if it was slightly higher you can't jump to the conclusion you made. There are plenty of asexual ASD people. User Triangular_Trees has stated that she has next to none testosterone, despite having pcos:

Of course he probably has a sex drive it is more common to have one than to not. But it is silly to burry problem like this.

I still stand by my comment about helping young spectrumites understand relationships earlier on.

I was much later and figuring out things. I was seriously naive about things until fairly recently.

This action isnt caused by his sex drive. Although sex can be a part of stalking for some people, it isnt the main reason. Most likely it isnt the case at 7. That isnt to say you shouldn't talk with him about sex, I just dont think thats what is causing your problem.

You see, the feeling of 'love' or 'companionship' is actually a chemical addiction to various chemicals. Infatuation (your son's case) is mostly associated with dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin. See here for a complete explanation:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_(scientific_views)

I should point out that above average levels of serotonin and norepinephrine are found in most autistic people. See here for further details:

http://serendip.brynmawr.edu/bb/neuro/n ... ister.html
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/558741

Now I'm not saying that all autistic people are stalkers, far from it. But as I said in my first response, most autistic people have a harder time controlling their emotions then normal people do. This is likely due to a unusual brain chemistry. I know that I was infatuated with a girl when I was in elementary school and there was nothing sexual about it.

You see, when a person becomes attracted to somebody else, their brain releases chemicals (serotonin, etc.) whenever they think about that person. This creates a pleasant sensation. Basically what has happened is that your son has become addicted to this girl in the same way you can become addicted to cigarettes. This is a natural and important process because it leads to the procreation of our species. If people weren't addicted to their spouses, then they would never stay together long enough to raise children. Sexual attraction only gets you together for sex. Its the addiction to each other that keeps you together to raise children.

Generally, associating a person with the release of chemicals takes a bit of time. Most people will need to spend some time with another person, and feel some sort of connection with them before this chemical association takes place. That is why people will sometimes date casually a few weeks before they start a 'serious' relationship. Most people wont develop a chemical addition to people who they dont know. Your son doesnt seem to have any problems developing an addiction to somebody he doesnt really know. Simply put, the attraction requirement for a normal person might be a few nice dates. For you son it might only be a smile and a friendly wave.

Now dont get me wrong, I am not condoning this behavior. It has to be taken care of. But I am just trying to point out, that your son is basically addicted to her. And just as people have a difficult time quitting smoking, stopping your emotional attraction isnt any easier. But the process to quitting is fairly similar.

First: he needs to reason his way out of the attraction. If he is convinced that he and this girl are meant to be, then trying to get him to stop is impossible. This step is basically admitting that there is a problem. If he is smart enough to understand what addiction is, then you could tell him that he is addicted, and needs to stop. Just as alcohol and drugs can ruin your life, so can this unwise attraction. He needs to understand why this isnt appropriate, how it makes her feel, and why he should stop, for his own good.

Second: Reduce exposure. The less tempted you are, the easier it is. That includes bothersome classmates who encourage this problem. Most likely they are probably the biggest contributors to this problem.

Third: As I said before, practice patience and self restraint. Arguably the hardest part of growing up is learning to control your emotions, but as I said in my last response, it is what must be done. Separating him from the girl will make it easier, but you cant separate him from his emotions. This is something he is going to have to do if he is to become a mature adult.

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Wow - the detail here, the extremes ...

I think, from a parenting perspective, what one needs to know are POSSIBILITIES and ideas that may have worked for containing the negative ones of those possibilities. Not all AS are alike, and that includes areas of hormones and sex drive. A parent's job is to KNOW THEIR ONE UNIQUE CHILD. Never assume or apply generalities, just KNOW THE CHILD.

I told my son years ago that I wasn't ever going to allow him to date, rather half jokingly, and I said it as he attack hugged me as he always does. We've had discussions about this, his inability to understand the boundaries or to pay attention to the level of physical contact the person he is with desires. At school, he has learned to not touch anyone. Clear rule, well defined - touching and hugging are for the family ONLY. This he can do, and has done. It would apply, as well, if he were to show interest in a girl: NO touching. He knows this.

Interestingly enough, he has zero interest in girls at this point in his life. Zero. What that means and if it will change I am not going to speculate - my job is to allow him to find his own future and to support that, not to assume any version of A leads to B leads to C. Too much information can lead a parent to make assumptions and act on those assumptions all of which creates roads for the kids and self-fulling prophecies. I would rather not do that for my child. I want to discover who he really is and allow him to discover that as well. Yes, I have plans for what I see as negative directions his impulses could take him, but I don't consider it a given that any of that will actually happen. I've taught him our values, I continue to teach our values, and I've worked hard to keep him comfortable talking about pretty much anything with us. Beyond that, we will deal with what happens when we can tell it's time to. Not before.

omg! my son is almost 10 and is obsessed with a girl in his school. he even hired some of his friend's as "spy's" to find out info on her. i was told by his teachers yesterday that he has been found outside of her classroom when he was supposed to be in the bathroom. it hasn't gotten to the point where he got in trouble for it, but i feel like it may be headed in that direction. my son had even told me she ignores him all the time so he asked for a mediation! he really has it bad for this girl.