Renouncing marriage and children

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LadyKathleen
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12 Jan 2009, 9:40 pm

I decided to remain childless by choice bc i know i would make a lousy parent bc i do not get emotionally attached to children the way a mom should... i cant deal with the duties of being a parent i want to get my tubes cut so i cant get pregnant if i decide to have sex one day but i will most likely have to wait bc im only 20
I also dont want to get married until i find the right person and get a stable career and have my own place. I am not some girl who has sex and gets pregnant and expects to keep her man i am not the kind of person with wedding bells ringing in my ears never was..all that fou fou stuff never did it for me because marriage to me is more than just a party and i am disgusted that more than half of all marriages divorce

Ladies there is nothing wrong with being an independent woman and if you do find love and have children someday i know you'll make the best wives and mothers any guy could ask 4



ToadOfSteel
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12 Jan 2009, 9:51 pm

LadyKathleen wrote:
I decided to remain childless by choice bc i know i would make a lousy parent bc i do not get emotionally attached to children the way a mom should... i cant deal with the duties of being a parent i want to get my tubes cut so i cant get pregnant if i decide to have sex one day but i will most likely have to wait bc im only 20

Well I, like you, am 20, and I know that even though today I would make a rather crappy parent, I would want to eventually raise a family. I wouldn't say do anything as drastic as get your tubes cut, but do invest a little in the pill... you may change your mind later on and once your tubes are cut, it's much harder to reverse that...

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I also dont want to get married until i find the right person and get a stable career and have my own place. I am not some girl who has sex and gets pregnant and expects to keep her man

Nothing wrong with a little independence... it keeps you out of some of the nastier situations that can arise in relationships, since if you're independent, you can just say "i'm outta here" without much physical reprecussions...

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i am not the kind of person with wedding bells ringing in my ears never was..all that fou fou stuff never did it for me because marriage to me is more than just a party and i am disgusted that more than half of all marriages divorce

Well, I for one, would probably want to have a marriage ceremony if I ever were to get married... I'm a christian (not one of those "you're going to hell" types, but I do believe in Jesus as my Savior and all that jazz), and the ceremony itself is very important to me...

The thing I could do without, however, is the reception. A few months ago, I got into a nasty argument with my mother when I told her that if I were to ever get married, there would be no reception. The ceremony itself carries ritual importance, but the reception is really just an excuse for a socialist gathering... There's nothing lost by cutting the reception out except for some dancing (which I could easily do without), and some boring speeches...



Hector
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12 Jan 2009, 10:11 pm

I hope that if I ever get married, I do so without a ceremony or "engagement". Just a change in status and that's all.



v0lume
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12 Jan 2009, 10:38 pm

I just don't want my asperger genes to be passed for another generation. If I got married to an NT then I would respectively request that she donates some of her eggs to an eggbank so they wouldn't go to waste.



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12 Jan 2009, 10:50 pm

v0lume wrote:
I just don't want my asperger genes to be passed for another generation. If I got married to an NT then I would respectively request that she donates some of her eggs to an eggbank so they wouldn't go to waste.


And just how would the dream of an aspie world be realized if AS genes aren't passed on?



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12 Jan 2009, 10:52 pm

I respect your decision at such a young age. Its nice to know some of the next generation has their heads on straight. I've never wanted to bring kids into the world either because I think the world is an ugly place these days and wouldn't want to cause another soul to suffer in it. I also don't want to pass down the Aspergers gene because over half of my relatives have AS so I know its in our dna. Honestly I'd be scared of creating a child even more Aspie than myself, one of those kids that screams like a wild beast and has severe behavioral problems like some of the AS kids I've seen.

Now if I met someone who had children that's a different story and I most likely would have no issue with helping raise them.



moonlightwhisp
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13 Jan 2009, 1:03 am

I'm 100% with you on that stuff. I've never really bonded well with kids or dreamed about marrying Prince Charming like other girls growing up and I still really have no desire for those things. That, and things like AS, depression, and twins run in the family, so it would be rather unwise for me to reproduce.



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13 Jan 2009, 1:10 am

well, having done it twice, it's possible. I'd never say never, though. My daughter had her tubes done, but after having one child. You couldn't pry those two apart now (she's 2), but sometimes I wonder if they won't try killing each other.

One thing I've noticed (I don't have any children of my own, but married into a passel of them. In fact, I have a 2-year-old 'trying' to help me type..so many corrections...;)

No one is 'ready' for children when they come. A lot of people make mistakes, at first, and later. You can rely on your family, friends, and relatives to help out. It's really a support network I was never aware of until I had a grandchild to take care of (well, I'm 'the money' in the whole deal)



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13 Jan 2009, 10:57 am

I agree but I just wish people would stop asking me at my age why I'm still single! :x

I wonder if this is a cultural thing to make marriage and children give meaning to lives. I just get sick of people in my age group talking about their kids and relationships. I also get really sick of girls asking me when I intend to have children...as if children were the only things to look forward to in life.


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13 Jan 2009, 11:14 am

moonlightwhisp wrote:
I'm 100% with you on that stuff. I've never really bonded well with kids or dreamed about marrying Prince Charming like other girls growing up and I still really have no desire for those things. That, and things like AS, depression, and twins run in the family, so it would be rather unwise for me to reproduce.


I don't bond that well with kids, and yet I'm doing some work at my church as a youth group leader (basically transitioned into that directly from actually being in the youth group, but now I'm working with middle schoolers)... Sometimes, we can bond better than we think...

Not believing in all that Prince Charming is only to your benefit, as you have a realistic outlook on the world, something many people (at times myself included) lack...

Just because those things run through your family is grounds to not reproduce? My mother has AS, and went through some serious depression when she was our age (and a bit younger), just like I did, and that didn't stop her from having two children... She saw the benefits that passing on AS genes could have. Yes, my brother is LFA, but that doesn't mean that my mother just gave up on him or wished that she never had him... it's just another challenge in life. Granted, if someone has a family history of anything on the spectrum, I would recommend getting all the autism tests done and appropriate therapies worked out as early on as possible, but that alone shouldn't be grounds for abstaining from having children. However, if there was another reason (i.e., I know I'm never going to get a girlfriend, so there goes any possibility of children anyway), I would understand...



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13 Jan 2009, 12:17 pm

v0lume wrote:
I just don't want my asperger genes to be passed for another generation.


I think this is an unfortunate viewpoint. Life is hard, NT or AS. Being AS doesn't make your genes bad or substandard. Billions of stupid/irresponsible persons have bred over the centuries and no one is telling them to stop. You can't fix AS any more than you can fix stupid...



Butterflair
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13 Jan 2009, 12:24 pm

Please don't do anything as extreme as having your tubes tied. Though you feel this way now, as you age you might find yourself feeling different. As women approach the age of 30, that thing called a biological clock starts ticking and sometimes you really get the urge to have a baby. I've seen it happen from many who claimed they don't want kids, they don't like kids etc.

The other thing is when you meet someone that you love and you do get married, you might want to share a child together.

Just know that how you feel at 20 is not how you feel at 40. When the time comes, use birth control and keep an open mind.


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13 Jan 2009, 1:08 pm

LadyKathleen wrote:
I decided to remain childless by choice bc i know i would make a lousy parent bc i do not get emotionally attached to children the way a mom should... i cant deal with the duties of being a parent i want to get my tubes cut so i cant get pregnant if i decide to have sex one day but i will most likely have to wait bc im only 20
I also dont want to get married until i find the right person and get a stable career and have my own place. I am not some girl who has sex and gets pregnant and expects to keep her man i am not the kind of person with wedding bells ringing in my ears never was..all that fou fou stuff never did it for me because marriage to me is more than just a party and i am disgusted that more than half of all marriages divorce

Ladies there is nothing wrong with being an independent woman and if you do find love and have children someday i know you'll make the best wives and mothers any guy could ask 4


Childless by choice is a perfectly valid lifestyle decision. In fact, there's a whole movement that has sprung up around it called childfree. Childfree people are those who do not want children ever. There's even a social club for childfree people called NoKidding. There's alot of information about being childfree on the net that's easily found, so you may want ot look into this.

I do have to agree with you about weddings, I think they get way out of hand. We had our share of problems when organizing our's, such as dealing with providers of wedding services like photos, DJ, etc., and how many of them are pricey and dishonest. Families are just as bad, such as mine wanting nothing to do with it because they didn't like her family, and her family threatening to boycott because we weren't getting married in a Catholic church. What I wanted to do was a simple ceremony or better yet, get 2 plane tickets and elope to Las Vegas. My wife now recommends people do that instead of wedding.

I also don't enjoy parties, dancing and such. We did have a reception and she begged me for a couple of dances, which we did. I was glad when it was all over. I've been to a few weddings and frankly, didn't enjoy them much. To much emphasis on ceremony, and not on what counts. Like you, I'm appalled by today's divorce rate as well, plus the idea of couples getting divorced before the wedding is paid for.


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moonlightwhisp
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13 Jan 2009, 3:40 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:
I don't bond that well with kids, and yet I'm doing some work at my church as a youth group leader (basically transitioned into that directly from actually being in the youth group, but now I'm working with middle schoolers)... Sometimes, we can bond better than we think...


Sometimes I feel even more nervous around kids than I do adults. Whenever they show affection towards me or want to play, I almost feel repelled. I babysat for a couple years to save up for a guitar and it was by far the most difficult job I've had. Kids just aren't for me.

ToadofSteel wrote:
Just because those things run through your family is grounds to not reproduce? My mother has AS, and went through some serious depression when she was our age (and a bit younger), just like I did, and that didn't stop her from having two children... She saw the benefits that passing on AS genes could have. Yes, my brother is LFA, but that doesn't mean that my mother just gave up on him or wished that she never had him... it's just another challenge in life. Granted, if someone has a family history of anything on the spectrum, I would recommend getting all the autism tests done and appropriate therapies worked out as early on as possible, but that alone shouldn't be grounds for abstaining from having children. However, if there was another reason (i.e., I know I'm never going to get a girlfriend, so there goes any possibility of children anyway), I would understand...

I'm not saying that they're horrible things that never should be passed on. 99% of the time, I'm glad for my AS because it gives me advantages that most people don't have. I've just never imagined myself having children and I've never been the mothering type. My younger sister was born 5 years after me and growing up with her, I never really felt the need to look after her or nurture her, which I feel wretched for. I wish I could feel something towards children because I know I'm supposed to. I just don't and I don't think that's a great treat for a mother to have. That, and the whole pregnancy/childbirth process sounds like pure torture. 8O



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13 Jan 2009, 4:56 pm

I'm child-free as well for various reasons, mostly to do with overpopulation and my own health problems. However, I do think I would love being a mother and it often devastates me on somne deep level that I can never achieve that natural goal.

I totally respect your decision, and I really wish a lot of mothers out there who inadvertently neglect or even abuse their children had taken the same measures. Anyway, there is always adoption, which I may definitely be considering in my future, as well.



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13 Jan 2009, 5:47 pm

I don't want children either. I do want to get married someday, but not for the sake of getting married--I have to meet the right person first.