How did you feel before you related your condition to AS?

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Before I have suspected of having AS, I thought of me as having some kind of personality type. Basically, I considered me as a:

- melancholic ("classical" tipology)
- emotive/non-active/secundary (Heymans-Le Senne typology)
- introvert/neurotic (Heynseck typology)
- INTP (MBTI typology)

I don't have any clinical diagnosis (and no desire to have) and I am not sure if i have some "condition" (like AS, or perhaps Schizoid PD or Inattentive ADD) or if, in my case, it is indeed only a question of personality type.

defective.

I attributed much of the way I was to head trauma and/or possible damage while in the womb.

I puzzled over all the ways in which I was unable to relate to most people.

Never understood why I was being talked down to.

Never understood why people were jokingly (well I thought it was a joke) calling me rainman or "maybe she's just someone who can't cope with society"

Never understood why people would say "wow, I didn't think you had sense of humor"

Never understood why it was demanded that I talk in group settings and scolded when didn't.

Never understood why it was important to have flourescent lights.

Never understood why kids thought playing soap opera was fun.

Never understood why people would point out what I wasn't able to do rather than what I could do.

Used to think that within time, I would wake up oneday and suddenly get it. Get how to have pleasant social experiences or be able to say whatever it is that other people wanted me to say or thought I should say.

Never understood why people told me "You're supposed to say this"

Never understood why people thought it was strange that I had to turn down their lights.




Now, some things have been able to try to work on. Some areas have gotten better but for me and social interractions, it will always be a damned if you do damned if you don't.

For example, wearing sunglasses around others in their homes will have them question me and make it seem as though I'm just trying to be difficult or different. Those that don't really understand nor care to. If I don't wear the sunglasses, turn down their lights then I'm being rude.

I thought that I was stupid, but in a different way from a "normal" stupid person.
Also, I noticed that I didn't have the same connection to other people that most people seem to have; I came up with the term "aloneness of the soul" for it when I was in high school.

RE: people feeling that they're being "talked down" to

I also felt (and still sometimes feel) like everyone around me knew something was wrong with me but no one was telling me what it was, and they were trying to treat me normally but not doing a great job.

I realised that I was different to others, but I wasn't really too keen on other people, so this fact alone didn't bother me. I just didn't understand why everyday things, which other people accomplished with such ease, were so difficult and draining when I tried to do them. I didn't understand why the social world was so alien to me. Eventually, I began to think that I was defective, and that I had to be 'fixed'. I hated this, because I have always liked being the way I am. I thought I was all alone, that no-one else shared my problems, because I had never met anyone else like me. I was stressed and anxious a lot of the time, because I was trying to do things that seemed easy, but were actually very difficult, such as making smalltalk and concentrating when there were a lot of bright lights. Eventually I became seriously depressed and believed I was going crazy. But I'm better now. I understand how I work.

Great question, Mosez.

As a child, I felt very good about myself, mainly because I was an athlete and that allowed me to be in a group without having to be social.

In high school, I always felt younger than everyone else, and just never knew what to say to other people. Like once, there was a guy I liked, and all my friends told me to go over and talk to him or he'd never know I liked him. So I tried, but all I got out was "Hi." I can also remember people starting to make fun of me, or put me down, or treat me as "other." It was a bad time.

For most of my adult life, I just thought that every time there was a problem, it was my fault because I wasn't working hard enough. I couldn't understand why I got so stressed out all the time, why it was hard for me to be in large groups, why sudden noises disturbed me, why I had a hard time sitting at the table with my family, why I needed earplugs to go to sleep, why I seemed invisible to so many people when I was standing right in front of them, etc. etc. etc. I figured I just wasn't working hard enough in therapy, and that I was lazy and irresponsible.

For a few years before the diagnosis, I thought I might be bipolar because I would get very low and then have these phases of incredible optimism and have all kinds of projects that would make my life perfect. But bipolar really didn't fit. The highs weren't manic, and the lows weren't really depressive lows.

I now realize that the lows were shutdowns and the highs were getting really hyperfocused on my special projects.

Now, with the Dx, for the first time in my life, I don't feel like I have to prove that I'm worthy of breathing oxygen with all the other humans. I just breathe in and out. Very nice.

I didn't know about AS until I was 31 years old. When I was in school I was singled out as being "gifted" with the special classes and such. So, for most of my life, I knew I was different form everyone else, but wasn't sure why. I assumed that since I was "gifted", this must be the way smart people think and feel. For example, I felt I knew things that others didn't know, and had thought processes that others didn't posess. It actually made sense for quite a while, and still does, to some extent.