Becoming more and more withdrawn.

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Brandon_M
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15 Jan 2009, 3:27 pm

Throughout my entire life, most of the battles i've fought came from within. I've struggled with insecurity issues and everything from the past, all the negativity i've endured, constantly getting my face rubbed in the dirt only keeps me from moving forward.

I was diagnosed at a very young age, but really didn't do any research into AS until I was about 19. Looking at my outlook now, I wish I didn't have a diagnosis at all. Before I knew what was wrong with me, I never saw myself any differently. I'd figured all the battles that I face were issues I could control and change for myself. I figured someday i'd be in the same boat as every other struggling adolescent in his journey of self discovery into manhood. Although I stumbled many times, i'd make small bits of progress and would cherish and even take pride in changing little things imborn in most people, although I didn't realize this until much later. I had overcome social barriers I thought i'd never cross, but never to a level where I could feel comfortable around others, at least not fully. Although I was ignorant to my own neurological structure and unable to understand the workings of my own brain, I had one thing before that I fear i'll never get back, hope.

After researching my diagnosis further, I lived in denial and shook it off like a case of ADD, figuring it didn't affect my life as much as it was supposed to. However, day by day i'm starting to realize how much it really affects me. I was put on the mild end of the spectrum, and still it impacts my life to the point where I feel it's out of my control. I feel like i'm on a constant acid trip, my thoughts and emotions becoming more and more unstable and unpredictable over time. I feel as though i'm headed towards the deep end of insanity. It will come in waves too. I'll build up a wall of confidence, usually during a time of heavy work out sessions. I'll feel like a more powerful person. During these times, I saw people recieved me much better. I was seen as a very chill, laid back guy and it was assumed that the moments where I didn't have too much to say was just because I was deep in thought, at least from what i'm told. Most people who knew me, even those who knew what AS was said they never really saw me any differently, that I just had a deeper perspective and was more shy than most. I'm not sure how i'm seen, all I know is how I feel and I don't feel normal at all.

As of lately though I have almost no confidence in myself ever. It's to the point now where I will dart my eyes to avoid the gazing eyes of my peers walking into a new college course. I have trouble speaking and spitting out coherent sentences, something i've never had trouble with before. I can't function for long and break down inside, although on the surface I try to remain calm and content. When I do make the effort to talk to someone, usually at a smoking section at the school or around the hallways, it becomes a mental strain and feels exhausting, something which hadn't really happened to this level of severity it's at now. It's getting to the point where i'm starting to feel withdrawn around my circle of close friends, those whom I used to feel comfortable to tell anything. The more differences I see between myself and the rest of the world, the more I dissociate myself from it. This has been happening in cycles, but over the past couple months it's reached an all time low. Is the AS getting worse?



deadeyexx
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15 Jan 2009, 3:59 pm

Nah, it's not getting worse. You're just becoming more aware of it since as you get older, you begin to take greater responsibility for your life. Being different & passive wasn't so bad as a kid I remember. I had school, parents, & many other organized activities to keep me connected. However, when you're out in the world on your own, it's surprisingly easy to alienate yourself as it's now entirely YOUR responsibility to stay connected. Feeling inadequate is a HUGE damper on your ability to take initiative.

The only advice I can give here is be comfortable with your differences; to the point of not even caring you have them. Just assume everyone likes you exactly the way you are & it's their problem if they don't. Take action to become connected, force yourself if you have to, & see what happens from there.



sethzack
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16 Jan 2009, 12:14 am

Wow I feel your story is much like mine, I wrote about some of it in my blog on here. I am so depressed right now and keep fearing I will never find anyone or fit in anywhere. I was also diagnosed as a kid but didn't look into it until about four weeks ago, I thought everything would get better because I know who I am or at least thought I knew but it just gets worse, my depression is so bad but I still can't bring myself to suicide but I am fearing that I may just do so during one of these stupid episodes I have been having. I just want to curl up and die sometimes... I have never been able to talk about except for on here where I can see other people have similar problems, I don't know what anyone can do for me, my mom can never say or do anything and I don't want her to get worried when I get this depressed. I am usually so happy and I don't want to be like this anymore!


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bistromathics
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16 Jan 2009, 12:54 am

Brandon_M, it is interesting that you mention your life lately has been like an acid trip, because I once had the same type of feelings in the days after a trip of my own. It was a traumatizing bad trip, in which I felt the most agonizing emotion one could possibly feel, what I would imagine a dying person feels, total helplessness, and just giving up hope forever. In the four days afterward, I felt like my thoughts were becoming chaotic, paranoid, and out of control. I was withdrawn from my family, not wanting them to be afraid of me. It was in waves, and there was a peculiar kind of depression, like I knew the real meaning of life, and it would never go away for as long as I lived.

This went away after a few days, and I went back to my normal mind state. I'll be staying away from all intoxicants for a while, because I think that was the cause of these four days of hell. Now that I look at it from a normal mindset, I would imagine I became physically & mentally exhausted and depressed. You may want to look into a possible physical cause for this, possibly Adrenal Insufficiency? It definitely seems like severe depression, which can feel like you're going crazy, but you're not. You may want to seek treatment if it's been severe for very long.