Why do people feel the need for relationships?

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oli234
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17 Jan 2009, 3:50 pm

I know there are probably some biological/evolutionary answers to that question but I'm thinking more on the individual level. I mean having sexual attractions to other people means there will be sex and therefore reproduction, and having loving relationships means there are people to look after the young children. So I understand why there is this tendency in human behavior in a biological/evolutionary sense. But I don't think that really explains the complexity and variation in peoples need for loving relationships. I mean I know people who are totally not interested in relationships, and they don't belong to a different species or have any conditions that make them this way, so biology can not explain everything.

Personally I can get very annoyed with being single, I mean seeing happy couples walk thought a park and instantly hating them for it. And this causes me to long for a relationship, and then quite often I end up being with someone that really I'm not that interested in. It just feels better than being alone for a while, but then you get over that and think to yourself, actually I don't want to share every aspect of my life with you. f**k off. And then you're back where you started only with extra guilt/pain because you either got hurt or hurt someone. By reading some of the other posts on here I've come to the conclusion that I'm not the only one who suffers from this problem.

And I'm not a complete cynic. I do believe in real love and beautiful long lasting relationships. But for me anyway that's only going to happen when I meet someone odd enough to form some kind of real connection with, where it's not just an ego boost or a sense of finally not being alone but when someone is special enough for me to be genuinely enthralled by being with someone. And I believe that will happen one day.

But in the mean time I still feel this need to just be with someone. And it's not just sex, it's something a little deeper than that. I meet girls who I think are nice and attractive and I think I want to be with you. Yet I know they aren't really right for me and nothing I do with them will last. So what I'm really asking is why is it that I (and others like me) feel this intense need to be with someone, why can't we be content with the idea that we will meet someone right eventually and until then we should just not worry about it, enjoy other aspects of life. I'm trying to have that attitude and mostly it's working pretty well, but then I'll see a couple just holding hands and it will all just come flooding back.

Well if anyone has actually read all that well done/thank you/ do you really not have anything better to be doing? And if anyone has any thoughts on this I'd love to hear them, although I think that I can actually answer my own questions and the point in writing this is probably just to make things a little clearer in my own head. And I'm actually not as bitter as all this probably makes me sound.



pakled
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17 Jan 2009, 4:05 pm

"Two lovers combine, and pass me by, and Heaven knows I'm miserable now" - The Smiths

There's as much loneliness as lust in being single. I can relate.



Kirska
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17 Jan 2009, 4:09 pm

oli234 wrote:
I mean having sexual attractions to other people means there will be sex and therefore reproduction

Actually no it doesn't. Birth control is incredibly common and very effective.


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TrippinBilly
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17 Jan 2009, 4:13 pm

Kirska wrote:
oli234 wrote:
I mean having sexual attractions to other people means there will be sex and therefore reproduction

Actually no it doesn't. Birth control is incredibly common and very effective.


Not to mention the people like me, who happen to be attracted to members of the same sex. No chance of reproduction there.

But I understand completely where you are coming from, oli234. I wish I knew what else to say to that, but I don't. Sorry.


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KazigluBey
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17 Jan 2009, 4:16 pm

Kirska wrote:
oli234 wrote:
I mean having sexual attractions to other people means there will be sex and therefore reproduction

Actually no it doesn't. Birth control is incredibly common and very effective.


Actually, yes it does--when people don't take a single sentence out of the context it was written in. Here is the full quote with an emphasis on the major point:

Quote:
I know there are probably some biological/evolutionary answers to that question but I'm thinking more on the individual level. I mean having sexual attractions to other people means there will be sex and therefore reproduction, and having loving relationships means there are people to look after the young children. So I understand why there is this tendency in human behavior in a biological/evolutionary sense.



anna-banana
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17 Jan 2009, 4:35 pm

yeah I could never understand it either. personally I didn't feel the need to be with someone till my mid-twenties, it always puzzled my why people can't just be happy with themselves like I was. I still don't understand why all the people I know get into ridiculous relationships with people clearly not good for them or stay in abusive relationships just to not be alone. for me letting go of my glorious solitude is such a huge, huge sacrifice that only someone very special could make it worth it.

I don't get jealous when I see happy couples, I only feel like I'm missing out on some things just because I would feel strange doing them on my own, like for example going to Paris for a weekend lol.

anyway, the point being- it's good to go for quality, not quantity. at least for me it's the only way to go. I don't think I'd ever even consider potential being in a relationship if it didn't one day painfully occur to me that I am a mortal being and that kind of put things into a different perspective for me.


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Kirska
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17 Jan 2009, 4:39 pm

KazigluBey wrote:
Actually, yes it does--when people don't take a single sentence out of the context it was written in. Here is the full quote with an emphasis on the major point:

To me they are two completely separate entities, even though one has the potential to possibly lead to the other. I suppose I am still missing the point.


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oli234
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17 Jan 2009, 4:46 pm

Quote:
Kirska wrote:
oli234 wrote:
I mean having sexual attractions to other people means there will be sex and therefore reproduction

Actually no it doesn't. Birth control is incredibly common and very effective.


Actually, yes it does--when people don't take a single sentence out of the context it was written in. Here is the full quote with an emphasis on the major point:

Quote:
I know there are probably some biological/evolutionary answers to that question but I'm thinking more on the individual level. I mean having sexual attractions to other people means there will be sex and therefore reproduction, and having loving relationships means there are people to look after the young children. So I understand why there is this tendency in human behavior in a biological/evolutionary sense.


Thanks

Quote:
But I understand completely where you are coming from, oli234. I wish I knew what else to say to that, but I don't. Sorry.


Thanks again. Having thought it through a little I've come to the conclusion that this is all about confidence/self esteem. When I don't think much of myself I feel like I have to be with someone or else I'll die bitter and alone. When I'm more confident I just think I'll meet someone who's right for me eventually and don't worry about it. Anyway the second option is a much better way to be and prevents you from causing unnecessary strife in you're life. So conversely if you accept the worst case scenario of being alone forever, but in a positive sort of way, you'll probably be relaxed enough to just calmly go about finding someone right rather than just chasing dead ends.

Calm, relaxed, confident happy. My new mantra.



Hector
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17 Jan 2009, 4:54 pm

oli234 wrote:
So what I'm really asking is why is it that I (and others like me) feel this intense need to be with someone, why can't we be content with the idea that we will meet someone right eventually and until then we should just not worry about it, enjoy other aspects of life.

Well, if you want my answer it's because I find that idea to be dishonest, in that it's obviously false. Of course not everyone meets someone. Plenty of people just never settle down in a happy relationship, some never have a relationship, and some die young. Yet I want a relationship. Therefore I feel inclined to look for any opportunity I can, because if one passes by I'm not sure if another one as good will come again.



oli234
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17 Jan 2009, 5:56 pm

Quote:
Well, if you want my answer it's because I find that idea to be dishonest, in that it's obviously false. Of course not everyone meets someone. Plenty of people just never settle down in a happy relationship, some never have a relationship, and some die young. Yet I want a relationship. Therefore I feel inclined to look for any opportunity I can, because if one passes by I'm not sure if another one as good will come again.


I should probably have put the question as "why do people have unhealthy obsessions about relationships". I know not everyone will find someone, I just think that if you obsess over having to find someone you'll settle for anyone and then maybe miss out on someone you would have been much happier with because you didn't have the confidence to believe that one day it would happen. I didn't mean to say that you should avoid relationships, it's just that people (myself included) tend to get themselves worked up into a state about these things, and that's kind of counter-productive if you're goal is to be happy in a relationship.

Quote:
To me they are two completely separate entities, even though one has the potential to possibly lead to the other. I suppose I am still missing the point.


I think you're talking about sex on the level on the individual and I was talking about why humans evolved into beings that have sex.

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I still don't understand why all the people I know get into ridiculous relationships with people clearly not good for them or stay in abusive relationships just to not be alone


That's what I'm talking about. I think it's a reaction to insecurity that ultimately causes more pain than it saves. I'm just kinda glad I figured this out at a relatively young age.

Quote:
I don't get jealous when I see happy couples, I only feel like I'm missing out on some things just because I would feel strange doing them on my own, like for example going to Paris for a weekend lol.


I just want to say that I only feel like that sometimes. Other times I think awwwww........bless.



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17 Jan 2009, 6:03 pm

anna-banana wrote:
yeah I could never understand it either. personally I didn't feel the need to be with someone till my mid-twenties, it always puzzled my why people can't just be happy with themselves like I was. I still don't understand why all the people I know get into ridiculous relationships with people clearly not good for them or stay in abusive relationships just to not be alone. for me letting go of my glorious solitude is such a huge, huge sacrifice that only someone very special could make it worth it.

I don't get jealous when I see happy couples, I only feel like I'm missing out on some things just because I would feel strange doing them on my own, like for example going to Paris for a weekend lol.

anyway, the point being- it's good to go for quality, not quantity. at least for me it's the only way to go. I don't think I'd ever even consider potential being in a relationship if it didn't one day painfully occur to me that I am a mortal being and that kind of put things into a different perspective for me.


Good Reply, I can relate to several of the points there.

Being in a relationship for the sake of it is a very VERY bad thing in my opinion. If you're with someone, and you're constandtly wondering what else is out there, then you shouldn't be with them. I would only stay in a relationship if I loved the person, and didn't CARE what else is out there.



v0lume
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17 Jan 2009, 6:04 pm

In human nature we must reproduce. The best and most enjoyable/functional way for this to happen is by forming a relationship with your mate. Not that I'm saying that sex is what your thinking about when you are looking for a relationship, but it is in a primitive way that we don't conciously understand during the process. Simple ;)



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17 Jan 2009, 6:08 pm

Right now I just want a relationship so I don't have to feel so alone in this world anymore...



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17 Jan 2009, 6:10 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:
Right now I just want a relationship so I don't have to feel so alone in this world anymore...


Couldn't a friendship fulfill that?

Then again, I feel pretty alone, and I yearn for someone I love who loves me cack sometimes.



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17 Jan 2009, 6:14 pm

hale_bopp wrote:
ToadOfSteel wrote:
Right now I just want a relationship so I don't have to feel so alone in this world anymore...


Couldn't a friendship fulfill that?

Then again, I feel pretty alone, and I yearn for someone I love who loves me cack sometimes.


When you suddenly lose all your best friends to relationships in the span of 2 months, let me know...

Right now, what I need is a little more intimate than what mere friendship can provide (and I'm not necessarily talking about sex either... just to be physically close to someone right now would be sufficient...)



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17 Jan 2009, 6:23 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:
hale_bopp wrote:
ToadOfSteel wrote:
Right now I just want a relationship so I don't have to feel so alone in this world anymore...


Couldn't a friendship fulfill that?

Then again, I feel pretty alone, and I yearn for someone I love who loves me cack sometimes.


When you suddenly lose all your best friends to relationships in the span of 2 months, let me know...

Right now, what I need is a little more intimate than what mere friendship can provide (and I'm not necessarily talking about sex either... just to be physically close to someone right now would be sufficient...)


I know completely what you mean. I only have friends when they are temperarily single or have nothing better to do :(

I don't find myself really wanting a relationship... I just wish people had time for me again, adult life is hard.