Never had a girl friend.

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Depending how AS we are, we seem to have the issue where we like to lecture about what we find interesting, and pretty much ignore what the other person wants to say. I see this happen with my father and I, and it sounds like maybe you have the same issue as well. I have found that sometimes it's a fun game to try to "interview" someone and find out about what they like, where they are from, what they do, etc. It's a nice way to get the conversation going, and then I don't feel like there's a lot of pressure to make interesting conversation, as other things tend to flow organically out of that as you find some common interests. Otherwise, it's like you're rolling the dice as far as what you might want to talk about or what you know about being at all interesting to the person you're talking to. It has the added bonus of making that person think you care, and if you remember what they said at a later date, they'll really be impressed and be more likely to listen to you.

Asking a series of rote general questions will only get one so far...

All questions are rote -- "what's your name?" "where are you from?" "what was that like?" "where did you go to school?"

From there, you find out other things, maybe more interesting to you, that you can ask. The person is happy to talk about themselves, and before you know it, you've burned an hour. I used to have all kinds of anxiety about talking to people, but now I can converse with almost anyone for hours if I have to, and still enjoy myself. It's really not that hard, just stop thinking so much and being worried about your performance. Show some empathy and concern for the other person.

Btw, people tend to really like it if you know something about their ethnicity -- I live in an area with a lot of Persians, so whenever i meet someone obviously Persian, I bring that up, and they appreciate it. Everyone likes acknowledgement.

I can't possibly anticipate all answers to all questions (that would be a bit like asking deep blue to predict all possible outcomes of a chess game)... and since my ability to think on the fly is somewhat hindered, I can't possible engineer pertinent follow-up questions on the spot... I can do it with about 30 seconds delay and internet access to try and gain background information wherever possible, which makes me appear much more eloquent on internet forums such as these and over chat programs, but in real time I tend to look dumber than W...


Well that at least narrows it down, although again, it still takes some time to devise follow-up questions, necessitating the usage of pre-designed questions...

Interesting... I have to admit that my AS is not that bad, so I guess I'm not seeing some of the limitations some of the folks with more severe symptoms are running into. What you say makes sense, and I don't really know what to say, because it does sound like a genuine limitation/challenge. I know people like this at work, esp. in the Tech/IT dept. -- very hard to get small talk out of them, not a lot of engagment or empathy. I guess this must be what's going on in their heads. Funny thing, the one I'm thinking of the most with regards to thsi also spends all his time at church -- It would be funny if you're him, and we're coworkers

I just think that we, as humans, have the idea of conversation backward. The way it is now, you have to make small talk before you can get to the more meaningful/interesting conversation. As an Aspie with severe symptoms, that just seems completely backward. I want to get to the interesting/meaningful conversation first to see if I have anything in common and am interested in pursuing a friendship or relationship. After all, if I don't have anything in common with them, why would I want to waste time asking them about their job/school/family/friends/pets/etc? What's the point in making small talk with someone for a while only to later realize you have nothing in common and aren't going to be engaging them further?

I think to NT's, the point is that the heavy stuff is very personal/private to them, and they really don't want to reveal this to just anyone -- they need to qualify you first with small talk to make sure that A) you're not someone who is going to reject their idea or even have a violent reaction, B) that you're intelligent enough to comprehend what they are going to say, and C) that you even want to hear about that at all.

That's thing -- a conversation goes two ways, and only works if both sides are interested. AS folks tend to be a bit selfish and self-centered when it comes to what we like, and we assume it arouses the same interest in everyone else. Rest assured it doesn't, and without the small talk to "prepare the ground" and make sure there is interest, you are just wasting your breath.

So think of it this way -- Part 1, small talk, you make sure the person you are talking to isn't ret*d or crazy, Part 2. you get a little more serious, and see if you are on the same page, and part 3, you get into serious discussion. This is how NT's view the proper protocol for communication. Mind you, most polite conversations don't get past part 2, because Part 3 is dynamite, and has the potential to start an argument or to hurt feelings. No one likes arguing or having their feelings hurt, so Part 3 only happens with "trusted" people.

Let's just say that if I found a woman that could give me 30 seconds each time I needed to formulate a question without awkwardness, it would be a hell of a lot easier for me, definitely...

Do you live in Jersey?

No -- phew! It's a good thing, because I'm on here semi-anonymously, and I already revealed some personal stuff.

I have never had a serious romantic relationship and I am in my 50s. It's not that I can't; I take reasonably good care of myself; people don't throw rocks at me when I walk down the street; I have a good job and I am (according to most people who know me) very verbal. When I was younger I had several hormonal relationships but nothing else. I could actually call myself asexual now because I am really not interested in a relationship. I think when I was younger I was conditioned by society that a man was not complete w/o a woman. I also wanted so bad to fit in and one way to do that was to be a male slut (I thought that was how a man was supposed to behave). Coming to the realization that I was an Aspie and being "officially" diagnosed gave me the freedom of self acceptance. It is OK to be who I am and I don't need to pretend to be someone I am not, especially when I don't feel that way. If others don't accept my individuality, the hell with them
A story that illustrates this comes from when I was in the military. I was in one convoy and another convoy was in the field at the same time and we had to share a common crosspoint (we were heading North and they were heading West). When troops from the other convoy would pass by ( they were being directed by our SPs) they would shout out insults at our SPs as they drove by, such as F*** You (and other equally crude comments) Our SPs would just pump their arms up and down to indicate it was their turn to enter the crosspoint and tell them
"sorry you feel that way, drive on"

I'm almost 23, and I've never been on a date, but I've gotten close. I have friends who are girls, but when I asked them on a date, I either found out that they have boyfriends, or they're busy (or maybe some don't like me). I've danced with LOTS of girls at bars (some of whom had boyfriends in the room. Haha! In your face! Sloppy footed dudes!). I've also been kissed by a few girls who were too drunk to know who I was. But somehow I've never been able to convince one to go on a date with me.

If I can't get a date by valentines day, I think I'll throw water balloons at couples from my car. I gotta keep entertained somehow.

Agreed.

Yeah, that is definitely the way it is supposed to work. I do have to admit, though, that the way my AS boyfriend sees the world makes a lot more sense to me. I avoid small talk. It's irritating. unless the small talk is funny, I don't go for it.

I'm going to assume that's why I have 1 real friend.

Small talk can be annoying, especially if you don't have the patience for it or aren't interested in 99% of the brain dead "culture" everyone else is into. Unfortunately, regression towards the mean is a natural thing for populations and minds, and we just have to deal with it. I'm a little better at tolerating "empty-head" talk than I used to be (I think of it as a survival skill), but I won't waste a lot of my free time or mental space on it, so I'm in the same boat as you.

Small talk just doesn't occur to me fast enough. That's been a problem with me and girls who I don't know very well, I'm interested in talking to them but don't know what to say and in the end I think it just comes across as awkward.

If you don't have a wide variety of interests, then it becomes that much harder to converse and probably harder for her to see reasons to keep trying. Which would further explain the need to for small talk in the first place.