A question about intimacy issues and touch sensitivity

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Orbyss
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Joined: 19 Feb 2008
Age: 42
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27 Jan 2009, 9:53 pm

Wow, I really have to thank you all for the insightful and helpful responses.

JennaJ wrote:
Sounds a bit like my ex husband. He was not AS, he had a mild form of Borderline personality disorder - i say mild in that his counselor said he exhibited many symptoms but i don't think it was as pronounced as most with it. When he settled in and was relaxing if i would lightly touch him he would do what you describe out of your b/f. The jumping up and thrashing and OH GOD because it startled him so much just had me to the point i was afraid to touch him. And i can't tell you how hard this was for me because like you, touching lightly and being loving is just a part of who i am. We were married four years - there were many things that made this marriage unbearable and led to its demise, not just this one, so don't think tihs was the ONLY thing that made it unworkable and that your own relationship would end the same.

I love to touch, lovingly, the person i am with, so this set us at a disadvantage from the start.

I am now dating a man with AS who not only LOVES my touch, but craves it. He says it sends him to another world and when i lightly touch him and massage him he is so appreciative of it and he says it seems to relax every muscle in his body. It is SO different being with someone who not only likes but craves my touch. Big difference. My ex just didn't like it at all, he didn't like hugging either.


Oh my god, that's almost shocking to read. It sounds very eerily similar, and I've in fact considered my boyfriend may be a borderline. The way he grew up certainly seems not unlike the way many borderlines describe they do, and he has emotional volatility and other problems I've read are common to borderline personalities (I hate that name). He's working on a lot of that now, including his depression, but it's making our life very difficult. It's hard to say how well we even fit together with just our base personalities because of it. The touch thing was almost the last straw since we both need so badly to relax.

It's really nice to hear you have such a good relationship now in terms of physical intimacy. I believe that helps a lot, especially being the touch-intimate creatures we are.

Thanks so much for that!

jawbrodt wrote:
I can't really help with any suggestions, but I do have this "touch" problem. I think it's due to "lack of" while growing up. I don't think it has to be a permanent problem though, I'm pretty sure I could get used to it with a little time. Maybe start out with smaller doses, increasing gradually? Just a thought, as I've overcame some other things in my life that were just as significant, probably even more. In my case, I'm kind of bullheaded(or competetive) in that I figure that if someone else can do something, then I can. :)


Yes! Bizarrely, he has mentioned just that -- that it could be due to his lack of intimate, light touches growing up (on top of other problems, too, including anxiety). It's refreshing to hear someone else has the same hypothesis; it probably has at least some truth to it.

ToadOfSteel wrote:
One more thing, though... Have you considered trying a firmer touch than something light and tickly? There are some aspies that are aversive to light touch but not so to heavy... it may seem a little weird to someone who doesn't experience such selective aversion, but, in a sense, the light touch feels more like a bugs running up and down your body, while the firm touch (like those tight hugs some aspies like, although thats on the extreme end of it) is a *definitive* contact that makes sense to the aspie nervous system... (I stressed the "some" because there are some aspies that are aversive to all forms of touch, but there are many in this category as well... whether it applies in your case is uncertain,,,)

Such touch aversion could also be likened to the sensation one would get near a van de graaf generator (that metal ball hooked up to a belt that produces static electricity)... placing one's hand's firmly on one of those things while grounded provides a hair-raising experience (literally)... but being light about it will end up with you getting shocked...


Definitely--firm touch seems to be fine, unless it's too firm. He's just very sensitive all around, and has odd responses I can't predict. I've touched and massaged lots of people, and he still throws me for a loop with his unpredictability. It sort of invalidates my confidence in empathic massaging, too, which hasn't helped.

That's really a fascinating comparison, with the Van de Graaf, if a bit frightening. For some reason, I don't mind the feeling of being shocked, depending on how and with what. I have one of those gag lighters that shock with with supposedly ten volts when pressed, and I press on that thing whenever I get the urge.

Oddly, I also love the feeling of a bug crawling on me, if it doesn't make me itch. I still put my pet snakes up my shirt because it's so relaxing, with the light massaging. My cockatiel also crawls on me sometimes, which is crazy relaxing for me. At any rate, you can see why it's even more confusing for me.