Smalltalk is boring

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Smalltalk appears to be very important, but I have the problem that I find it boring! A conversation where the words you say aren't of 100% importance, is boring to me and makes me quickly turn into my own thoughts (which I find much more interesting), forgetting about the people around me and falling out of the air when they say my name or expect me to respond.

This is truly a problem for me, because I do like to sit around with people and have a good time. But when the conversation is about nothing at all I get bored quickly and can even get frustrated and melt down!

Is it really so that NT's find smalltalk that interesting, or is the reason they do it purely to get better social status?

Is there a way for me that could make it more interesting for me?

Thanks!

P.S. I could have posted this in my other thread, but a general rule sais that it's not smart to ask 2 questions in the same post, letter or email because people will then only answer one of them.

Small-talk has non-information-transfer goals.

It's for "feeling out" the competition. Yes, competition. All NTs are competing against each other.

The feel of the competition IS information transfer. But it's non-VERBAL information.

Small talk is the verbal spandrel of a fundamentally non-verbal exchange. IMO, it's not just about feeling out competition...there's more to the way we NTs relate to each other than competing. It depends on the setting...maybe in the social events of a workplace where office politics heavily determines the fate of the workers, it is primarily about feeling out the competition, but that's just one of many contexts in which small talk can occur. Sometimes, though, it may be to reinforce non-intimate social bonds and interact pleasantly without offending or revealing intimate stuff - this may be the case in casual meetings outside the work context and not involving any co-workers, or in chats with relatives you haven't seen in a long time. Perhaps it's about this and competing at the same time...don't know, most of the time all this non-verbal stuff is very subconscious, at least for me.

That said, I can actually enjoy small talk if I get to say a brief tidbit on a subject I know something about, such as the weather...it's the very simple of communicating in general, and having that communication received. I don't small-talk particularly often, though, because I don't engage that much in light social gatherings, and when I do, I will tend to only say something about a subject if I'm interested or know something about it, and I tend not to care much about news, sports, movies, and a lot of other stuff that gets discussed. Big talk, or anything where I get to blab about subjects that deeply interest or inspire me, is usually more enjoyable than small talk, but the subject usually has to come up before I think of saying it, unless it had been burning on my brain and I'd been wanting to say something about it for a while.

I'm sorry, but I think that's complete BS.



Now THAT'S more like it.



I'm glad someone finally agrees with me on this. I don't see what's so bad about small talk - I think it's fun to talk about more lighthearted things, and it's a great way to reinforce bonds, as said above.



See, the thing with me is that I'm pretty good at small talk, but it's tough for me to get beyond it, and into "big talk". If it's small talk, I'll usually have something to say, but if the "big talk" is not on something that I know a lot about and/or have strong views on, I'll be completely lost. And even if it is something that I'm interested in and knowledgable about, I still tend to run out of things to say.

But, of course, I'm hardly the poster child for aspies.

Small talk does many things. Some of it has to do with feeling out the competition and jockeying for status. A lot of it is about establishing comfort . (This is more what is termed "small talk." The jockeying for status and sizing the competition usually falls into "one upsmanship", "ass kissing" or "banter".)Watch men and women at a bar or party. They are small talking to establish enough comfort to initiate a romantic relationship. At a business gathering, they want comfort in order to begin beneficial business relations. The list goes on and on...



The only way I know of is to consciously learn the 75-90% of non-verbal communication that you are missing and start observing it. All of the sudden, NTs become fascinating creatures to watch. They can small talk about anything they like. You get to watch and see what's really going on with them.

Uh, you mixed up the attributions...oh well...I know what I said.

Well, I'm NT, so I'm supposed to appreciate small talk. But, the fact is, many nerdy or introverted NTs also report hating small talk, whereas I'm more neutral towards it and can even enjoy it a little bit.


When I'm not saying anything or thinking of something to say, small talk leaves me in the same position as big talk I don't know anything about. So, the added benefit of saying those one or two little things can easily be all but forgotten, unless it had enough charge to repeat through my head afterwards. Running out of things to say may sometimes happen with big talk, but repeats of the prior high points in my head can sustain me if tangents are not able to keep me talking as long as possible. If I'm talking to another tangent-prone person, we can talk for hours on end, with each other's tangents prompting further tangents...

Small talk often feels like a waste of time, or rather a pseudo-way of spending time with eachother. The first is aimed at friends/co-workers/random people I'm having a conversation with, the latter is aimed at relatives or close friends who I haven't seen in a long while. It always feels like a thing I must do to not look like an antisocial person, as opposed to 'something nice'.

Only when I really want to know a person I can accept it as a necessary thing to do to attain a goal. Of course, most of the times it's pretty obvious then that I'm not very good at it. But I have improved over the years, so the effort hasn't been worthless.

It's tough to leave conversations at surface level topics. I'm much more engaged in a conversation when I can explain my views of politics, or discuss all of the movies an actor has been in or stuff life that. Concrete topics for a concrete conversation, that's the way to go.

Small talk isnt all that bad. I usually have the same problem as any other aspie in that I dont know how to carry a conversation beyond small talk. This problem is prevailent especially when I'm talking to females I'm interested in. I can start a conversation, and even carry it somewhat, but eventually I reah a wall where I just dont know what to say next. She starts sending me signals that I become unfamiliar with and the conversation ceases awkwardly.

The thing I hate most about smalltalk is when it looks like a female is interested in you, then 30-1 hour into the conversation she mentions "her boyfriend" in passing. That about kills everything.

I start zoning out when folks start the smalltalk... it isn't interesting and I find it utterly difficult to do.... I used to try to do it but most of the time ended up putting my foot in my mouth etc.

I got a book for Xmas entitled "The Fine Art of Small Talk," by Debra Fine. It has some intersting tips on how to make small talk the right way. One chapter lists about 50 "icebreakers" you could use socially and 20 exclusively for business. I suggest you get this book; it could help turn your boredom into a pleasure and a joy forever more.

I haven't read this one. Hm. I'll have to check it out.

I have had problems for the longest time initiating or participating in small talk unless it is about the weather or sports or any topic that interests me. For me, conversation has to be meaningful--if it is not, I tend to tune out.

I've never understood the need for small talk. What's it for?? I have no idea.

IMO, small talk is one of those rather unnecessary NT customs that they view as completely necessary to their survival. To me, it's a boring waste of time better spent talking about more important things, but I've learned to deal with it.

People are always looking for ways to connect. Small talk is the way people broadly scan other people until they stumble upon a connection. It's like searching your computer for a file; the expanse of it has to be scanned before the desired file is revealed.