Letter from Teacher

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I asked Nate's teacher to write a narrative to give to the neuropsychologist before our final appt (dx day). For some reason, this letter really made me emotional. It made me realize even more how Nate will probably struggle in the coming years. In her email, she told me it was very hard to write behaviors because she loves Nate the way he is. She is such a sweet person. I know all of this already but seeing it all in a letter format is much different than hearing it being sad verbally or even seeing it time after time. Nate tries so hard in his own way to socialize with his peers and I see them try, too. They do end up walking away. It takes him forever to get out what he is trying to say due to the ever increasing difficulty with verbal communication mainly caused by his stuttering. When that is resolved, communicating with others maybe slightly easier.

Here is the letter.



Socially Nate struggles to find ways to interact with his peers. I have witnessed Nate trying very hard to
interact with his peers by engaging in activities they are engaged in. Nate can become agitated with his
peers if he feels things are not going how he planned. During those incidents when Nate becomes
agitated he can be easily calmed by speaking with him and allowing him to express his frustration or
disappointment. At that point I can offer a suggestion that will redirect Nate without incident. Other
times Nate will go off by himself and play with building blocks, patterning blocks, or Legos. I have
witnessed Nate going out of his way to pester his peers by poking at them with his finger or an object,
stepping on their belongings, or laying on them while the class is sitting on the carpet. At no time do I
feel Nate is being mean, rather he is exploring ways to get the attention of his peers. Other times he will
correct those around him by yelling and displaying a mad face. I believe he becomes frustrated because
as he tries to communicate his ideas he begins to stutter and his point is lost. His fellow classmates are
not sure how to interact with Nate and usually end up walking away. No one has been outright mean to
Nate or excluded him from activities, but the interaction is awkward even for kindergarteners. Nate has
one peer that he calls his friend. The interaction between the two of them can best be described as two
strangers that speak different languages trying to find something in common through one or two word
sentences. The interaction is brief and they both end-up retreating to their own worlds.
Sincerely,

It can be terribly upsetting to see it all written down.........to think about the struggles they face. the disappointments. the stress. the anxiety.........it's all alot to deal with.
***hugs***

All so familiar ...

It is harder in writing. I don't know why.

But I want you to know that while Nate will struggle with many things, he will be FINE, and he will be HAPPY, and he will acquire the skills he needs most. We're all on a very, very long road but it's the gifts, the gifts, that will carry our kids. With my son now 11 we still face many hills, but there have also been triumphs, he has earned respect from so many peers and teachers, and the path to his future is just as clear as the burdens are. As long as we stay tuned into them, and fight for them, it WILL happen.

And people see it when a child has a good heart. A mom from school always gives me inside info on my son, because her daughter keeps an eye on him; she is very protective of him. They aren't friends; it's just what this girl does. And as we were talking the mom suggested why: she said not only is he interesting, but most important is that all the kids know he doesn't have a mean bone in his body. Not to say he has never hurt anyone at school or lashed out, but I guess it is so clear to kids like this girl that those episodes are different, that they aren't WHO he is. I'm sure kids in K can't figure that out, but NT girls at 11 can, and it was interesting to have a mom tell me that "everyone knows your son doesn't have a mean bone in his body." And that, of course, good kids are going to watch out for kids like that.

I feel blessed in so many ways. People will kindly acknowledge that it must be hard raising a special needs child, and often it is, there certainly is more work and time involved, but there are other issues that I really don't have to worry about. He's an honest kid (although happy to take advantage of imprecise language, when given the opportunity) who always has his heart in the right place. I feel the same way about Nate, from what you post. This huge intangible has basically been removed from parenting with these kids. I face that intangible with my daughter, I know it's real and worrisome, but not with my son. So good for us.

ANYWAY, I've rambled on, but I hope some of it cheers you up a bit. If you wish it to, anyway.

Well, I wish Nate could keep that teacher all the way through school. You may need to recruit her to talk to his future teachers. She seems kind enough to do that.

natesmom: I just happened to be on this forum, which I'm usually not, and saw your post. Although Nate's teacher may be nice I found her email somewhat disturbing too. Granted, I don't know Nate, but I'm an Autistic adult.

Have you thought about talking to Nate's teacher? She didn't say ANYTHING positive about Nate, like his talents, gifts, his special qualities. Why is that? The teacher seems to be writing from her perspective, as Nate is a 'communication/social failure,' but does she know how hard the sacrifices are for Nate, and what he's overcome? Does she have anything to contribute, as far as Nate improving his social ways? Actually, how about his classmates improving their treatment of Nate?
How might the Neuropsychologist take that letter?

Please don't take her letter personally.....perhaps she just doesn't quite understand Nate, or ASD. And as dancind wrote, if she's a nice teacher maybe she'll think more about her assessment. She may not have intentionally meant that message....unknown.

Good point. I just sent that letter to the neuropsych today. We are meeting tomorrow.

I asked her to write about Nate, anything that will help the neuropsych with dx. I was expecting her to write how good he is in math or that he seems happy as she tells me. perhaps she misunderstood what to write. Misunderstanding have frequently occurred throughout this year between us. Perhaps I wasn't specific enough. She has verbally told me so good things about Nate so I know she sees those things. Rereading the letter, I do wonder how the neurpsych will take it since it doesn't say anything positive.

She has never told me about how improving in the social arena. She has told me that he is getting better at doing specific work. She is just learning about Autism Spectrum Disorders.

We have a meeting at the school this wednesday.

Hi, from my perspective, after being up and down the road a few times with my son, this is a thoughtful and focused letter, and it describes, specifically, the issues a child on the spectrum goes through: Making attempts, failing, retreating off to play alone, trying again, sounding awkward, realizing the disjointedness, the inner sense that he should be mixing well, but it is too unnatural for him, and, inevitably, resorting to the infamous pencil poking, pestering, blurting out inappropriate language or mean comments about another student for some kind of affirmation that within this group of 20 or so kids, he, too, is part of it all.

Letter sounds like it will help you with a proper and appropriate diagnosis.

equinn

I'm quite tearful reading this.

After a wait of over a year, my son's assessment for autism finally started on Thursday last week. I have been feeling quite emotional about it over the past couple of days, and reading this has made me realise how much the assessment process investigates and enquires about what your child cannot do, rather than what they can do.

Like Nate's teacher, my son's teachers are full of praise for what he is good at, but the assessment process is so much more concerned with his difficulties than his successes. But then, if there were no difficulties, we wouldn't be in this situation.

And yes, it's the social aspect which is the most hurtful. To read reports that he has been observed talking to other children who ignore him, however politely, and walk away from him because they don't understand what he is saying or what he wants to do. To read reports of his efforts to engage in the interests of other children, but just not quite get it right. It hurts, and I just want to protect him and keep him happy and joyful.

Now I am in tears.

I sympathize with you. IEP meetings are heart-wrenching for me; for some reason it is so much worse to see your chid's behaviors documented in writing. The teacher who prepares the IEP report has a tendency to gloss over anything positive and zero in on the negative.

I found that while everything was trying to get situated as far as my son's IEP, focus was so much more on the negative, rather than the positive. YES, our kids have difficulties, but it is very important to focus on what he CAN do as well. This may also be beneficial to Nate as far as his self-esteem goes.

I've had countless meetings with my son's teachers (the last one was just last week). Everybody had something positive to say, except for his counselor...to which I later wrote a letter expressing my disagreement.

And it doesn't always have to be a struggle. My son has really come around and improved in many areas..socially and academically. He stutters, too. But hey..so do a lot of people that aren't on the spectrum...including my dad. He also has his quirks, but I appreciate the fact that he is who he is, regardless of the "norm" and I let him know that each and every day.

With therapy (my son saw a psychologist, O.T. and Speech Therapist), that my really help Nate. Just keep in mind that there are always options. And while it's ok to feel sad, don't let it overpower everything. Like I always say, things could always be worse..

It's just my opinion, but I think that the teacher's letter gave steady, factual information which will help. She sees positive things in your son, she just didn't write them down this particular time. But I felt like, if she had written this for my son, it would have been a fair assessment and helpful in showing the struggles that your son is having.

I can remember reading assessments like this when my son was little, and it was always frustrating and heart-wrenching. But I can tell you -- it gets better. Honestly, it gets better. You will find the ways to help your son, you will find the teachers who love your son as he is, and you will see progress. Maturity helps A LOT. After a decade, I can honestly see these things improve.

In fact, RIGHT NOW my son is in another part of the house, with a friend who also has special needs, playing video games happily. He was very much like your son when he was little. He is now almost 13, and he has a nice group of friends, special needs, and non-special needs. We do not have friends over OFTEN, but we do have enough friends over. He now knows how to respond to people. He didn't before, but he does now. I would love to say that we as parents were a huge help to him, or therapists were a huge help, or teachers, or anyone else -- but honestly, just simple maturity and time has really helped. It will get better!

I've been sitting here for the last 20 minutes trying to decide if I should make a reply. Finally thought, "Why not?" So here goes.

As I read this letter I find that the teacher gives the information that you asked for regarding Nate's behaviors and social interactions and does so very well. The first thing that springs to our attention is the apparent list of negatives, "Nate struggles...can become agitated...will go off by himself...pester his peers"...etc". Although such comments can cause us to become emotional we need to realize they are critical for an accurate Dx of Nate's condition. So, believe it or not they are a good thing! Secondly we can observe some positive remarks. Nate is looking for ways to interact, is exploring ways to get attention of his peers, trying to communicate, and has a friend who is at least willing to try to understand and interact with him.

Yes, raising these marvelous children is going to be an emotional roller-coaster ride for everybody involved. Take the time for yourself to understand how you are feeling, that is important for You and for Nate. Here is a good place, family and friends should know how you are coping and Nate needs to hear "Mommy is sad, frustrated , happy, proud, angry..." because this will help him to understand the confusing world he was born into.

Hang in there Mom, the adventure is moving ahead, watch out for bumps and dips, foes and friends, demons and angels. You and Nate will make it!!