My daughter thinks I abuse her

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That got your attention huh? This is my 1st post at the forum. I am 42 y/o. My daughter has aspersers & is ADHD, she is 10 y/o. She is mainstreamed & makes VERY good grades. She participates in community theater & is pretty well adjusted in all areas, which is not to say we don't have out daily struggles.

Here is the problem, I just found out on Monday that she & her 5th grade teacher turned me in to CPS for abuse. CPS threw it out as unfounded. Never even called me & there is no file, but how did it come to this?

To make a long story as short as I can, my daughter drifts off a lot, as most do. It's almost always impossible to get her back into reality w/ verbal cues alone. After calling her name 4,5,6 times, I will reach out & *tap* *tap on her should & say something like *Hello, can you hear me?* to which she will respond stop hitting me that is child abuse. I always laughed & said ya right. Well, I seems like she really meant it. She truly thinks she is being abused. now mind you, we have a very close knit family life, family dinner at the table 7 nights a week, lots of trips to the park, bike riding 2-3 night a week, board games, you name it. I am flabber gasted.

Anyone else encounter this?

I spoke w/ her principle at school & he is shocked & amazed she feels that way and that they did that. We live in a small town, everyone knows everyone. He too has a child w/ aspergers & says he did a similar thing when he was about that age turning him in to the pastor at the church.

To make things worse, my mother (who sees my kids about 12 hours a year by her choice, she has some issues too) knew my daughter turned me in & did not tell me. She new 2 weeks ago when the event happened. I just found out Monday, called to cry on her shoulder & ask advice & found out she had know all along, so I feel very betrayed by her.

I have made an appointment w/ council. In the mean while I am just sick to my stomache.

I should add, my daughter has no idea how serious the CPS thing could have been & is completely unaffected by it all. She still runs & screams & laughs like nothing ever happened.

I should also add (sorry so long) that my mother said while she does not think there is any child abuse going on, she does believe I play favoites w/ my 7 y/o son because I do not treat them the same or use the same tone of voice.

I don't treat them the same, they are nt the same & each needs different guidlines, prompts, etc. I also told her that it was unfair for her to make that type of judgement when she saw them so little, that she can nt grasp in an hour when a behavior or melt down may have been building all day or for several days. She only sees little glimpses.

All responses are appreciated.

I can't comment on the accusation she made, but the phasing out thing is something my dad and I do. If they do finally get thought it is quite startling sometimes. Some people really can't multitask. My dad will go to the shop, drive back, and then go back the same way to go to the post office or pay in some checks at the bank, etc.

One thing is she might be very literal. So if she is told that hitting is child abuse she respond to that.

I guess I had not given much thogh to being *strtled* thanks, that is good info to have.

She started the comments about a year ago. Because she believes things better of she reads them, or sees a photo, we visted the CPS website. I had her read, out loud, what is child abuse. She than read out loud, what are acceptable forms of punishment. She agreed none of the things listed as abuse applied to her or our family. I thought that settled it. Now I see it did not.

You might try the bacon method. Although on some days even that might not work on me.

She is SUPER literal, we have always known that. We have always had to be VERY careful what we say. When she was very small & we would say "we will play in just a minute" she would count to 60 & cry that we had lied to her. We watch our tongues & taught her about similes, metaphors, rhetorical questions, etc at a very young age.

What is the bacon method? I will do a little search on that term.

I mean using cooked bacon as a lure

I know, you know, and CPS knows that tapping her is not abuse. However your daughter may still "feel" like you're abusing her. Many on the spectrum are extremely sensitive to touch. What seems like tapping to you could be as bad as hitting to her.

I believe they do make videos for kids in mind that help identify what abuse is. I also hope you're in group therapy together, so you have a mediator that will be able to help you two get along better.

In the mean time, please stop tapping her.

She is a vegetarian by choice, she is big hearted twords animals. I get the picture though.

Many on the spectrum are extremely sensitive to touch.
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Yes, many are, however, she is quite the opposite. She has delayed pain sensors & a very high pain tolerance, which has it's own problems.

We were in group therapy & *graduated* out of it for a while. We are working on getting that started again. I was working on getting that started again BEFORE I found out about this. The suggestion of returning to therapy is what prompted her to tell me she turned me in.

Many on the spectrum are extremely sensitive to touch.
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Yes, many are, however, she is quite the opposite. She has delayed pain sensors & a very high pain tolerance, which has it's own problems.

We were in group therapy & *graduated* out of it for a while. We are working on getting that started again. I was working on getting that started again BEFORE I found out about this. The suggestion of returning to therapy is what prompted her to tell me she turned me in.

sandalwood is offensive smell I never fail to notice.

There is a yoga group right before my martial arts, and the smell...

Wow. I'm sorry to hear this. Have you tried sitting her down, and *really* explaining the difference between abuse, and what you were doing? She should know the seriousness of this.

If I understand you correctly, the tapping is the only thing your daughter thinks is abuse. Have you asked why she thinks it's abuse when it fits nothing on the CPS site?

Your daughter may have misinterpreted something she read or was told since you visited the site. Or she finds the tapping much more aversive than it would be to most people, despite her high pain threshold. If the tapping really is much more of a problem to your daughter than you knew, perhaps you can work out with your daughter another method of getting her attention. Does she agree that sometimes you do need to get her attention?


I developed a habit of trying to see why people might think their actions reasonable even if I may not. The best I can come up with here is that perhaps your mother felt that even if she thought your daughter was wrong, on general principles your daughter had to have the freedom to go through official channels, and support for doing so from someone in the family. In the best case scenario, the CPS seriously considered your daughter's complaint, explained to her why they disagreed, but didn't make her feel completely silly. The best outcome would be that your daughter saw an official body doing its job, and learned what is and is not a legitimate complaint. If you all can get there, the final outcome wouldn't be so bad, despite the trouble that could have come your way.

Last edited by Gromit on 11 Feb 2009, 12:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I can't comment on your home life, but the "phasing out" thing you mention is called Dissociation. Typically a person dissociates after they have been abused or neglected as children. So this is strange.

Another thing if your daughter repeatedly tells you she does not like being tapped on the shoulder because it is uncomfortable why would you repeatedly touch someone in a way that they tell you is uncomfortable? This is inappropriate no matter where or how hard you touch.

I suggest you both need separate counseling.