Help please-Stepsons Obsession with girls hair

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Among many other issues, today I am upset with my 14 year old stepson with Asperger's because he is obsessed with playing with long hair. He walks around with a towel wrapped around his head pretending it is long hair and that he is brushing it. He ties a sock around the towel to make it like a hair band and plays with it in front of any mirror in our house. He calls himself girl's names and has my 4 year old daughter involved in playing these games with him where she calls him by his favorite girl name. I really limit her involvement with him because I find it all very disturbing mostly because of how he tries to make it a secret between them. If my husband or I am near, he rips the towel off of his head and yells stuff like "GOD LEAVE ME ALONE!! ! I GET NO PRIVACY!! !". He has gone outside like this and we have tried to make him stop the behavior because neighbor kids saw him and the neighbor girl laughed at him. He has also destroyed all of my daughter's dolls. He sneaks them out of her room and cuts their hair or ties it up so it is all matted and ruined. He has done this with several of her dolls that are pretty expensive. I now have had to hide all her dolls in my bedroom. She doesnt even get to play with them because they are being hidden from him. This morning, I became very upset when I found that her very expensive American Doll (that her grandmother got her for Christmas) has its hair all matted and is falling out of it's head. He went into my things in my bedroom and has been doing this crazy stuff to this doll. He has been told over and over and over again not to touch the dolls and will not listen. There are other things like this that he has done, like ordering pay for movies on tv (that he doesnt even watch!), to the tune of over a hundred dollars and would not stop until we put a lock on the cable so he can't access movies. Does anyone have any advice? Do I need to put a lock on our bedroom doors???? help.

You could buy him some dolls of his own so he can do what he likes to their hair.

I have thought of that but then the problem goes beyond the dolls, it is to the point where he is getting made fun of by his brother, my other stepson, who is actually a pretty understanding boy but to him this is just too much which I understand because it comes across as pretty strange. He has been caught pretending he has long hair by neighbors and by his cousins, because he wears the towel on his head. I'm just, god, I'm just so confused. By the way, I am a liberal person and am really aware of people needing to express themselves for who they are but this is just to the point where it is getting dangerous for him and too strange for the rest of us.

He might have some gender dysphoria--it's not uncommon in Aspies, especially during the confusing teenage years. Communicate to him that it's not OK to do the hair play thing in public, the same way you taught him to go to the bathroom in private or to masturbate in private.

You might also ask if he wants to grow his own hair long; it's an acceptable style for teenage boys in this day and age. Then he wouldn't have to do the pretending thing that you find unacceptably weird.

Thank you for your advice. I wasn't aware that gender dysphoria is a common thing for Aspies.

does your son mind the teasing? if not, let him dress up. the cable thing is another issue. maybe you should get a lock for your room.

Yes, he does mind the teasing, he doesn't always understand that it is teasing but we do. We have an ongoing thing with him being bullied- called names, etc. We have had kids come to our house to tease him. They rang our door bell for months, ordered pizzas, called our home phone and swore at us with my stepsons name. We are on top of every incident and have found out who many of the kids are and have intervened. We were at the point that we were going to call the police because these kids would not stop but after finding out names we gave the parents of some of these kids the options . So yeah, it is a major concern for us that he stops the dressing up because we have talked to him about only doing these things in private and he will listen for a few days and then begins again in full force. It also goes in waves where sometimes it almost seems like he is over doing those things and then it starts up again. confusing.

i sugest psychotherapy with a woman who is versed in asperger issues. not a man. have u ever thought of buying him wigs , setting ground rules till hes 18 and self sufficient, and lettin him do his thing. try to use these behaviors he wants to indulge in as a motivating tool for him to be indipendent. i get the sense if he were living in hollywood california he would prosper and thrive

While certainly not on the Top Ten list of things any mother wants to hear about her child, from the snippets you described it seems that you need to at least begin to explore the possibility that your child may be transsexual. For the uninitiated, this simply means that this child has a neurologically female brain, despite the male phenotype. Deep inside, the child may identify as a girl. For discussion, I will complete this post as if this is the case, and refer to your child with female prononuns.

Perhaps even more misunderstood and viewed sceptically than autism, transsexualism is frowned upon in nearly every society on Earth today and is usually greeted with ridicule and even violence, even - no, especially - from those closest to the transsexual person. Your own post is seeking advice on stopping this behaviour, clearly suggesting that even the feminine expression is not acceptable to you. You have actually described numerous behaviours, some of which are clearly unacceptable, such as destroying property, but others that might simply be an expression of her severely oppressed true personality.

From what I have read, I understand that gender identity issues are more prevalent among autistic people than the general population. It is not clear whether transsexualism is more prevalent or is related in any way to Asperger's. Clearly, the two conditions can occur together - as I can attest. Still, autistic transsexual people are exceedingly rare - I would estimate in the order of 1 in 1,000,000 to 1 in 2,000,000, based on the prevalence of the individual conditions. (There are a few of us around WP). Given these numbers, finding a psychotherapist versed in both autism and gender identity issues is not realistic, so you will probably want to talk to two people, one specialising in each condition.

You probably will first want to educate yourself on transsexualism. A good beginner's guide is "True Selves", by Brown & Rounsley. I would recommend reading it to see how much fits your child. Given that you have expressed disapproval of her female expression, while you certainly will want to talk to her, it is not realistic to expect that she will be very open with you - at 14, this is a long shot even under the best of circumstances. Instead, let her talk to the therapist. You will find out what you need to over time.

It is important to remember that even if it seems farfetched to you, and even if you can't stand it, if her true identity is a girl, the best thing you can do is let her express it full-on. If it is "just a phase", it will pass. But if it is for real, you will finally let her feel as though she has a place in the world. How I wish I would have had that opportunity at 14! Having known by the age of 4 that this secret was so evil and dark I couldn't even tell my own mother - at 4! - I totally oppressed my real identity for 40 years. It nearly killed me - literally. If this is real, you will see an amazingly happy young woman emerge. Not every mother's dream for the child they thought was their son, but much better than the alternatives. Believe me on this one; I've been there. Don't worry about "what people will think" - most don't anyway. Your child apparently already has made her choice on this matter, and elects authentic expression of herself over what people approve of.

If you would like to discuss this further, please PM me. Good luck to both of you - it will not be easy and you will need supportive friends on the way.

Thank you to everyone for your advice and information! I really appreciate it.

I would let him grow his hair out.

Explain to him that it is not ok to destroy things that belong to other people and get him something similar to be his if he agrees to try and take care of it. Maybe suggest a hairstyling type trainer? Like those wigs on the heads that you can style or something? Barber in training

I know pets are a no-no at my house (allergies) but what about a longer haired animal that he could pet, of course you'd have to know that he wasn't going to be too rough with it.

A lot of people have advised therapy and I don't disagree, at the very least it will help you understand what is going on however I'd say an even quicker first step is to try to stop being weirded out, I understand that can be really difficult (and I feel a bit of a hypocrite telling anyone to change their views) but I'm strongly of the opinion that kids need to be able to feel comfortable being themselves with their parents, if this is who he (or she) is then its not healthy if he/she feels that he/she has to hide that from you.

As a first step I'd definitely stop trying to prevent this behaviour around the house*, try to provide some privacy until he/she dosn't feel the need to hide from you and I'd assume a token of support might go a long way toward this, maybe buy a bottle of good shampoo and conditioner and show him/her how to take care of hair properly, and offer your support in actually growing long hair (I myself have very long thick hair and almost never get criticized for it), that would probably help with neighbours and others who might think it's weird: real hair is a lot less odd than imaginary hair.

* you know your community better than I do, if you think there is a risk with this behaviour outside the house then I'll assume your right, and he/she's not 18 yet. However it might be good to get a second opinion.

Actually, it's more a partial female endocrinal system (lacking vagina, ovaries but has the thyroid and other glands working as a female) in a male body. The hormones produced play on the development of the brain to assume the female roles and dispositions.

The whole idea of that sounds HORRIBLE. *I* certainly wouldn't encourage it. I DOUBT the gender dysphoria thing is common among aspies. If it were, it would probably be classed as a common comorbid, and it ISN'T! On the OTHER hand, one that has gender dysphoria MIGHT be called aspie because some can be careless and may consider it a social problem, problems with bluntness, etc.... So I think it is more likely a misdiagnosis.

It sounds like he simply wants to be female. He CLEARLY knows he ISN'T, but wants to believe he is, so he is trying to get as close to being female as he can be. MALES generally LIKE long hair. They consider a lot of females pretty. Eventually, even the hips and breasts, etc.... But they don't want to actually BE female. Females may feel the same way about men to a degree, who knows. Anyway, your son seems to feel the same way about feminine attributes, but DOES want them. If you are VERY liberal, maybe you should ask him how far he would really go towards that end.

Actually, there are even testosterone resistant(Their ability to react to the testosterone is negated from birth, and they seem in every way to be female even though their "ovaries" are really testicles) people that have grown up wanting to be MALE! There have been some people very much the other way that wanted to be female. So the hormones don't play THAT much of a part.

As for the boy in question, the teasing could get VERY bad.

He sounds a bit transsexual.....But nothing's wrong with that. If he likes long hair so much, maybe let him grow out his hair. He's old enough to have long hair. But, he would have to take care of it. If he's not good at that but still wants long hair, maybe, you could tell him that, all the girls with long hair shower every day. If you do that, you'll be more like a girl. He does sound a bit transgender so maybe that would work if that's the case.