There's simply no other explanation...

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Sure, I'm probably rehashing and grabbing too many things so that's fine with me. I just hope I'm not sounding preachy, I just know your position all too well from experience.

I think that just like there are certain things that we're good at and certain things we're not good at, something they're not good at is letting their cerebrum lead their emotions and especially sexual attraction - they operate much more on instinct than we do and because of that they have to make a lot of allowance in social customs. This is why it seems like in the NT world you really have to get out in front of it and let your intentions be known off the top, things can fall in either direction at that point but once momentum starts going in another direction its almost permanent. You'll find cerebral NT's or NT's with aspie traits, at this point I'd say that you still even have to set the context toward the front - I think the human mind is also wired from instinct to think that good chemistry (ie. genetic congruity that will make great babies) is something that'll be felt off the start so, its one of those as well.




Me too, its why I went online.




Your speaking my exact words...verbatim. The only thing I can say is that while your core remains static and at a certain time there's only one way of behaving that can make you happy, something has to kick over from with in - the trouble is you can't even make yourself do it because you won't be able to find the trigger on your own, its something that stacking life experiences bring about. Plus, I think as you struggle with both 1) I am who I am at the core, I can't give that up and like what I see in the mirror and 2) The same old routine isn't working, you truthfully won't come to a compromise. The point I'm at, I literally found a way to change 2) without any violation of 1). The trick is that knowing 1), knowing who you are and striving to know even more and more of who you are, and especially as you learn more and more about who other people are, you will start framing a context - a way of seeing yourself that's completely true but in a way you wouldn't have right now because you still have a lot of distortions from bad past experiences (as do I, still fighting that one and even current experience) and it takes removing yourself from the world's static, seeing the best of who you are, learning to have a sense of that self, and then taking a self that yes - compromises and admits to AS traits but honors the positive rather than being dominated by the labels of your past; at that point you can take a lot of your experience, normalize it (ie. frame AS and your AS experiences in a way and context - to yourself and others - that seems very NT'ish), once your there and also can get your heart to understand what NT's need and why they need it - you can go on a date and feel genuinely heartfelt with an NT, enjoy their company, have a blast, have a profile that showed a guy that they wanted to date - and be that guy without a mistruth spoken. Yes, you'll still have your subtle or seasonal/weekly cycle neurological/mood difficulties but still you'll be able to break the AS/NT barrier a lot more effectively and not have to change who you whatsoever.

All it is - new information, setting your core down in a new framework of facts.

Hehe, something else too - I know, if your like me, you'll need to refute every last point till you get sick and tired of it, that's fine. Just do remember to let this conversation sink in and take it with you. Even with all this said, even if I'd seen it out of someone else's mouth and believed it wholly true several years ago, it still takes years of experiences to make that change because your subconscious isn't stupid - you can only make changes once it can take in the experiences to validate them (so just watch carefully, keep an eye out, construct it your own way but be sure to keep at those experiences and contextualizing them). That's why you can't change right now though, your subconscious is something like a floating average of your life - it won't let it happen, and with us its really adamant, it'll only listen to and be persuaded by truth so make sure your absorbing the best of it.

It is not weird to most. It would be logical and more black and white if two people found an attraction between each other over time and then decided to take it to the next level by having a well thought out "conversation" highlighting all of their concerns, expectations and desires. The dating process or at least hanging out with someone is part of this "conversation". It is a feeling out process in an effort to find compatibility without having to completely expose yourself to someone that you are currently attempting to build trust with.

Oh my god. What? This is exactly what I was thinking when I first posted but didn't know how to get it across. Absolute PROPS, man!

That couldn't possibly have been said any better.

Well given that I've been pissing off half the forum with my posts in this thread, you're probably well within your right to be preachy...


Once upon a time I used to act on impulse and instinct... I got sent to the principal's office more times than I can remember for starting fights because of that... I used to get violent if someone looked at me funny... Nevertheless, I can't trust my instinct, since it is too impulsive for society in general. If I acted on instinct now, I would be in prison with several convictions of aggravated assault on my record...


I don't even trust the internet with my money, let alone when it comes to finding love...


To be honest, I can't even make sense of that paragraph... I'm not trying to sound insulting or anything... if anything I'm impressed because that's the first intelligent remark ever made that made my head hurt (usually only dumb remarks give me headaches)... but anyway I can't really respond to this (or even act on it) without a little help understanding it...


Okay, fair enough... I just don't understand why such "conversation" has to be in these stressful 1 on 1 situations... At least with other people in the room, I don't have to be engaged 100% of the time... I can at least give my mind a little rest in the middle of it all...

Same here. I don't know that you'll really be able to find a way to 'get' natural or authentic instinct, you can learn things over time and gain intuition with what you learn but it still can't approximate all the things that you'd never think to do without it.



Ok, I'll try to boil it down a bit. You've pretty much told me that you have an emotional struggle with the idea of dating first - you don't like it, it sits really awkward with your sense of self and what works for you. I'm just debating that the problem is not so much your identity or unchangeable things at your core but rather that you could never be able to make yourself start dating it based on the way you see it now. That's really a trick of perspective and like your knowledge base will change, perspective can and will also - therefore I'm pretty sure your dilemma with this won't be permanent.

I believe that the time game can only really ever work if you date on a regular/ semi regular basis. The notiion that we still live in a monogamous sociaty where is one man, one girl is no longer true. For a start, aspie men outnumber aspie woman who themselves are more likely to stay single then NTs.

And even in sociaties where woman outnumber men it is the sign of a polygomous sociaty where the majority of woman date 20% of men.

Most romantic views about dating are BS

So basically you're saying that one day I'll wake up and be able to date women I've just met without about 2 billion questions and scenarios running through my head?

If by some rare chance the perspective being suggested, whatever it is, occurs in a dream, then perhaps so.

Perspective is everything, and everything changes (at least eventually).

No. You couldn't even hope for that, not sure you'd even want to. Its more like over the next few years you could pick up on bits of information, your walls to the idea thin as you become more compassionate to the dynamic (ie. you understand it and why it is rather than just seeing as stupid/callow NT drivel) and from there your ability to meet the person and test the chemistry while thinking about those 2 billion questions and actually talking to her and figuring them out authentically rather than guessing starts to come on line - that's what we're really talking about.