Tell me why kids lie to their parents

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I've just had an interesting situation with my son. He's 12, so some of this need to lie to me goes with his maturity level.

My son had an English oral presentation that was supposedly due today. We've been working on it for a while now. We continued to work on it last night, and he had new information that I wasn't aware of to add to the presentation. Because of the new information, I emailed his teacher to check and make sure we were doing things correctly.

I get an email back from the teacher this morning, and she says that he gave his presentation yesterday!

I questioned my son about this -- why didn't he tell me that he had already given his presentation yesterday? We actually continued to practice it last night! I wouldn't have cared if he had just told me, but he lied. He's been doing that a lot lately, and I can't figure out how to get him to stop without taking enjoyable activities (video games) away.

Weird thing is, he lies sporadically, and sometimes (as in this case) about things that don't matter. The need to lie is confusing, because we ALWAYS find out, he ALWAYS gets punished (although not much sometimes), and it always ends up not working out for him. Then why do it?

I'm not too worried here -- I've already been through this to a small degree with another son, and he turned out ok.

I'm more interested in why the "need" to lie -- even when it doesn't benefit him. It's just an interesting occurrence.

Presumably you checked that the teachers information is accurate? Teachers make mistakes and get kids mixed up.

Obviously only your son knows the real answer, you say you asked him but you don't say what he replied.

The example you give sounds like a kind of white lie. As you were involved helping him, he got to a point where he couldn't admit that he'd already done it. Reminds me of that proverbial situation where your mother gives you some delicacy to eat and you haven't got the heart to admit that you really don't like it. So over the years she keeps giving you the same 'treat' and you force it down because by now admitting the truth would show you up to be not just a liar today, but a habutual liar going back many years

It is an interesting question, especially when asked on an Autistic Spectrum forum. I assume you're aware that to us most NT's appear to spend their whole lives lieing to each other? Thousands of times I've heard or read adults say that "you can't go through life saying exactly what you think, you have to consider the feelings of the others". Your son possibly thought that the story he told you would be better for your feelings. Mistakenly, of course, but thats what life is all about, making mistakes and not learning from them, but lying about them to cover them up

You could ask the converse: "why do parents lie to their kids?". Because we don't want them to know the truth. Because we fear we will lose their love if we tell the truth. I suppose it's the same for kids. All kids lie and they do it for fear of the reprisals that would happen if you find out the truth. We dominate their world psychologically and physically, so although morally reprehensible, lying is a vital technique to learn to get by in the world.

I've been told that the ability to lie is a victory for an aspie kid. We are so normally sincere, honest, can't help being ourselves.. that lying is very difficult for us, whereas for an NT it comes naturally.

My friend has two children on the spectrum, and she called me beaming with joy that her 8 year old told his first lie. Of course, he was punished, but she was pleased that he had progressed to where he could do that.

I had many lie like that as child...

Simply because I couldn't speak, never because I had an interest to do it or because I had pleasure to lie. I juste didn't know how to tell some things to my parents so if I couldn't tell them a thing at right time I tried to hide it and this thing put me sometimes in really unpleasant situations.

Today, when too nervous, I sometimes just tell people what they want to hear... It's hard to explain it's not what I wanted to say but simply the first word that came !

An example :

I had to go at winter sports with my school. For a reason I've forgot I did not give the paper announcing the first meeting of parents (because I knew they had something else to do this day ? because I've heard they had not much money at time ? because I was affraid to go skiing ? because I was ill and got the paper too late ?). After the meeting has passed I did not know how to talk about it... Time has passed and I had to tell at school that I didn't go with them ! I blamed me so much to hide this but just didn't know how to get out from this nigthmare !

Of course my parents learned about it one day. I was punished but that was a low price to pay for me : I felt so much better without this lie everyday on my conscience !

ok, may sound like a tough question, but as others already said here, afraid of the consequences, or thinking that others would be better off not knowing the truth, there's also lying and ommiting, some people distinguish them, others don't.

In my case, i don't lie, but when i was in college, and got depressed, i was locked in a room crying, cutting myself and so on, and every other weekend i'd come home, just for the weekend to see my family and get laundry done, anyways i just hid the scars, and if anyone would ask how was college, i'd say something as vague as i could, not saying anything especific, this went on for 1 and a half years. when my mom fnally found out, she got really mad and now still doesn't trust me completely and every now and then she still goes like "the only one amongst my sons i tought that would never lie, did the worst thing ever", hurts me a lot when she says that but i don't tell her that either (ommiting maybe?).

Anyways i was afraid she'd be disapointed on me, and she got disapointed of course, even today she still says "you CAN'T be depressed, there's no possible reason for you to be depressed"
And eventho i explained her the asperger's she said "then get some meds and get treated"

Don't get me wrong, my moter loves me a lot and i know she does, she doesn't understand, but it's ok she's got to work a lot, has 4 kids, must be hell for her.
Parent / child love is one tough to describe, and even harder considering ASD.
Mind one thing tho, kids don't often lie to hurt others on purpose, lieing is done to protect "us" and / or "you" parents (usually turns out wrong, but oh well, kids are kids, far from perfect)

From my experience, aspie kids can learn to lie just as well as anyone else. My son has been going through a HUGE lying stage - it started out as "fibs" so that he could make himself look better to other people (this was at the same time that he started having trouble with the group of friends he had at school, so I could understand where it was coming from), and then he started lying when he'd be getting into trouble at home. For example, last weekend we found a pen that had been ripped apart (and it was our oldest daughter's pen - it was a special pen that she'd gotten as a gift), and so we asked our son about it, and it took us over an hour to finally get him to admit the truth. He's not only able to tell lies, he's stubborn and sticks to his story! He did finally admit he'd done it, though.

I'm not sure that in my son's case it's really a "victory" that he can lie - I'm finding that even within the aspie or HFA area on the spectrum, there is a wide variety of traits that can take place, and while some AS or HFA people really can't lie, others can. While some AS or HFA people speak with a different diction, others do not...etc.

Wow, these are very very interesting, thought-provoking answers. Thank you all.

ManErg -- you really made a good point when you said "that proverbial situation where your mother gives you some delicacy to eat and you haven't got the heart to admit that you really don't like it. So over the years she keeps giving you the same 'treat' and you force it down because by now admitting the truth would show you up to be not just a liar today, but a habutual liar going back many years."

Absolutely. That seems so obvious, now that you point it out. My son is one of these kids that really likes to please us, so it doesn't make sense when he lies -- but I do think that it's partially a misguided effort to still please us.

Whitetiger--you're right -- there's a part of me that is really quite happy that he has the ability to lie. It's a funny thing to say, but yes, it does seem to show that he has the ability to lie effectively, which kind of comes in handy socially at odd times and in odd situations.

Madfrenchy -- your whole winter sports situation -- that is DEFINITELY an apt description of what my son often goes through. He just gets nervous and says whatever first comes to mind. He is the nicest kid -- and possibly wants to please too much. I just would love to teach him that being practical, saying things as they truly ARE, is just more efficient and ultimately easier. But this could take a long time. He'll get it eventually.

Drakshin -- This comment of yours "Mind one thing tho, kids don't often lie to hurt others on purpose, lieing is done to protect "us" and / or "you" parents (usually turns out wrong, but oh well, kids are kids, far from perfect)" really made me pause. I definitely think that my son lies sometimes to tell us, as parents, what we want to hear. Considering your college experience, I'm sure there is a part of us as parents that doesn't want to hear the bad things that occur with our children. It's because we see our children (usually our sons, in this case) as beautiful, capable, wonderful beings -- and if they are depressed, that shatters our illusion of happiness. But we also want to help, and feel absolutely horrible when our children cannot tell us that they are depressed. It makes me wonder even more, what can I do for my son to help him feel comfortable talking about things with me. Maybe nothing, as most men don't like to talk about feelings. But it sure would be nice to be able to support our son in whatever way he needs.

I really, REALLY appreciate your kind words about your mother, and that you recognize that you she loves you a lot. You don't hear this kind of expression of love on this forum a lot -- it's very reassuring.

Actually, all of these answers to this particular question were exceptionally balanced and helpful. Thank you so much.