Why do women find cheating romantic?

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Ragtime
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02 Mar 2009, 3:49 pm

mitharatowen wrote:
I am not one to talk because I have frequently wondered if I might be able to find a guy that is better for me than my husband. I've always been someone who beleives that you can work out any problems you may have. But I've discovered sometimes there's only so much you can do.


Ouch. I sensed something like that from your posts, actually.

I divorced my ex, but only for my own safety. (Yes, that explanation is too brief, but it will have to do.) The point is, I am definitely one for hanging tough in a marriage as long as you possibly can, and I've proven to my ex and to those who knew me well during that period that I'll go to any survivable lengths to preserve my marriage. To their credit, I know many women who have had to do, and have done, the same in their marriages. And I agree with IrishWhistle's sentiments.



Last edited by Ragtime on 02 Mar 2009, 3:58 pm, edited 3 times in total.

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02 Mar 2009, 3:55 pm

millie wrote:
and that is why i believe in open relationships, transparency and honesty.
...
i do however like the idea of open relationships where you can love someone AND go and f**k someone else and there is the ability to discuss it - not the details but the situation. it is actually happening in my household at present. with no hiding in bushes.

it's a good thing.
takes a bit of work. but better than the sleazy alternative.


I agree. If you're going to have sex outside of your own marriage (and/or inside someone else's), honesty must be the policy. I personally don't swing that way to begin with, but if I did I'd have to be honest about it. Hurting your spouse's feelings for fun is the lowest of the low.



MmeLePen
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02 Mar 2009, 7:29 pm

Ragtime wrote:
mitharatowen wrote:
I am not one to talk because I have frequently wondered if I might be able to find a guy that is better for me than my husband. I've always been someone who beleives that you can work out any problems you may have. But I've discovered sometimes there's only so much you can do.


Ouch. I sensed something like that from your posts, actually.

I divorced my ex, but only for my own safety. (Yes, that explanation is too brief, but it will have to do.) The point is, I am definitely one for hanging tough in a marriage as long as you possibly can, and I've proven to my ex and to those who knew me well during that period that I'll go to any survivable lengths to preserve my marriage. To their credit, I know many women who have had to do, and have done, the same in their marriages. And I agree with IrishWhistle's sentiments.


Hmmmm....perhaps the lesson here is we shouldn't judge others.

I DID what mitharatowen mentioned in my first marriage and have no regrets - except marrying the loser in the first place. I married him when I was young and in a very dark place. But he really was "beneath me". His family was a bunch of ignorant, jock rednecks and when he realized he wasn't going to be a pro baseball player - he ended up working at a lumberyard and being a petty thief. He would shoplift stuff and give it me as presents! Or suddenly show up with cash and say he found it.

So, am I snob/b****, sl** for thinking I was too good for him and doing something about it?

I'm kind of confused by your comment that you could tell by mitharatowen's post that you sense that about her. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but what does that mean?

BTW - I ended up leaving that last loser for my current husband (and THE love of my life). It was absolutely sordid and scandalous and maybe a little like that cheesy chick flick scenario but we have been together for 12 years and going very strong.

Now the women who are propositioning you don't sound as if they are looking for romance. Maybe excitement, sex, revenge, power? But nothing about your description smacks of romance.


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Last edited by MmeLePen on 02 Mar 2009, 8:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Ragtime
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02 Mar 2009, 8:22 pm

MmeLePen wrote:
I'm kind of confused by your comment that you could tell by mitharatowen's post that you sense that about her. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but what does that mean?


Well, I said posts, and I actually meant several posts, not just the ones in this thread.
MmeLePen wrote:
Now the women who are propositioning you don't sound as if they are looking for romance. Maybe excitement, sex, revenge, power?

Mmmmmm... probably sex. I have a rawness about me which attracts some women. I guess I was fooled because women who want sex approach in a seductive way which I misinterpret as romantic. So let me rephrase: These women are flirting.



aka010101
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02 Mar 2009, 9:56 pm

You know , it REALLY gets me that people are seriously cheapening things like relationships and the like for the rest of us. Speaking from my own point of view, i'll consider myself lucky to find ONE person i can get along with and want to actually be with. People who are willing to throw stuff like that away just for a cheap thrill and random sex absolutely sicken me.



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02 Mar 2009, 9:58 pm

aka010101 wrote:
You know , it REALLY gets me that people are seriously cheapening things like relationships and the like for the rest of us. Speaking from my own point of view, i'll consider myself lucky to find ONE person i can get along with and want to actually be with. People who are willing to throw stuff like that away just for a cheap thrill and random sex absolutely sicken me.


Judgemental, much?


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02 Mar 2009, 10:39 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:
The sad thing is, homosexuals that are married (in the three states that allow it) have less cheating and divorce than the heterosexual crowd...

So they say... :roll:

Evidence, Please?


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aka010101
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02 Mar 2009, 11:49 pm

Quote:
Judgemental, much?


no, just really bitter.

Ok, maybe a little bit judgemental :P



Alla
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02 Mar 2009, 11:53 pm

aka010101 wrote:
You know , it REALLY gets me that people are seriously cheapening things like relationships and the like for the rest of us. Speaking from my own point of view, i'll consider myself lucky to find ONE person i can get along with and want to actually be with. People who are willing to throw stuff like that away just for a cheap thrill and random sex absolutely sicken me.


I know. I feel the same way. Yes the sad truth is that most people behave this way. If you are not really into someone, what is wrong with being alone? People have to learn to not be afraid of being alone......society needs to accept people being single and to look at people who are in relationships just for the hell of it suspiciously.....not the other way around.



matrixlover
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02 Mar 2009, 11:56 pm

Are you Aspie? I think for many of us Aspie's once we perceive a RULE we take it seriously. It's not a game to us. We don't lie very well. NT's on the other hand... I myself understood that by getting married I was committing for life, and that relationships change with time. That the buzz would be replaced by something more solid. I guess I'm weird to most NT's, I don't like the chase, i like comfort and familiarity. but many NT's thrive on the buzz and that's why they cheat. They want it both ways- stability at home and fun on the side.

Ragtime wrote:
I'm speaking of when they do it, of course -- not when it's done to them.
Okay, here's the story...
I'm married. Got the big wedding band right there on my finger for all to see. Yet, I have two (2) women whom I regularly see at work who will have an affair with me if I'm willing -- and each of them has a man already!!
(Trust me, they've each made it abundantly, abundantly clear about the offer. We're not talking discreet here.)

Both ladies are white country girls, with a touch of redneck at least. (They're okay-looking, but my wife is way prettier.)
But I'm saying... These women look at me with romance in their eyes -- romance which is ostensibly about hurting their men by being with other men behind their backs! Now, I can tell you that both of these women don't love their men (yet they stay with them). They each disparage their respective men in public, and it's not with any mirth or humor. One of the ladies has been cheated on by her man. The other, I don't know her as well, so I'll just assume he hasn't cheated on her.

But anyway, forget about at least one of them trying to "even the score" against their have-cheated partners -- WHY DO THESE LADIES DISREGARD THE FACT THAT I AM MARRIED?
Why would they want me to hurt my wife the same way they have been hurt -- by cheating?

Ladies... what gives?? Why don't they at least pick a single guy if they're going to cheat?



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05 Mar 2009, 2:22 am

Seeing that you are married and also these two females are also married...

typical NT behavior dictates the following are likeky:

~ The grass is greener on the other side, so they will go for best of both... what they have and waht they want on the otehr side of the fence...

~ Since you are married, they see you as another source of sex without the extra baggage, because you are married... A source that they can use as a means to spice up their current sexual situation....

~ Also, a challenge to see if they can 'get you', seeing taht you are already in a committed relationship, thus harder to get at... they see it as competition to see if they can be a 'homewrecker'.


These seem to be the most common things that drives the psyche of these types of women in these situations...

It is wierd to think that this is seen as 'normal' because it happens all the time yet it is more unlikely to be something that will be found with an aspie/autie... and they have the stigmatism to be considered 'abnormal'?



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05 Mar 2009, 1:19 pm

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/evolution/libra ... 16_07.html

^^

I saw a PBS report a few years ago that showed that is exactly what happens
in the real (modern) world

The woman will marry a 'protective' guy, but will cheat once or twice with the alpha one
to instinctively get the 'perceived' better genes.

This supposedly explained the high rate of female infidelity in the modern world

and (if i recall correctly) they assured a 30-40% percent rate that children
were NOT the progeny of the legal husband

This, of course supposedly happens in the western world
as women are more mobile, and have more freedom to attempt

....the pool man syndrome


Humans are following the Birds' model.



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05 Mar 2009, 5:52 pm

LePetitPrince wrote:
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/evolution/library/01/6/l_016_07.html

^^

I saw a PBS report a few years ago that showed that is exactly what happens
in the real (modern) world

The woman will marry a 'protective' guy, but will cheat once or twice with the alpha one
to instinctively get the 'perceived' better genes.

This supposedly explained the high rate of female infidelity in the modern world

and (if i recall correctly) they assured a 30-40% percent rate that children
were NOT the progeny of the legal husband

This, of course supposedly happens in the western world
as women are more mobile, and have more freedom to attempt

....the pool man syndrome


Humans are following the Birds' model.


LePetit, you should read "The Red Queen" and "Sperm Wars," you would like both books. Both are also fun and pretty quick reads.

The % is actually 10% -- 10% of all children don't really belong to the "father" who thinks he fathered them. Pretty shocking, but not that surprising -- sometimes women want the strong, aggressive genes, but need a schmuck to take care of them. I see plenty of guys like that on Maury and Jerry Springer :)



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05 Mar 2009, 6:48 pm

Perhaps men really do have a valid reason to be distrustful of women and even attempt to control womens sexuality; because many of them get a thrill out of cheating and will do it when they get the chance. :idea:



ToadOfSteel
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05 Mar 2009, 10:43 pm

Haliphron wrote:
Perhaps men really do have a valid reason to be distrustful of women and even attempt to control womens sexuality; because many of them get a thrill out of cheating and will do it when they get the chance. :idea:


Well it's not like men are immaculate, either... I always thought men did most of the cheating in any given relationship... at least historically... maybe it could be that whoever has power in a relationship (even both partners if both partners are rather dominant personalities) are the ones that do the cheating...



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05 Mar 2009, 11:51 pm

Haliphron wrote:
Perhaps men really do have a valid reason to be distrustful of women and even attempt to control womens sexuality; because many of them get a thrill out of cheating and will do it when they get the chance. :idea:


Thrill seeking is not a gender specific trait; it happens in both men and women, and both commit acts of infidelity. Misogynistic suspicion and paranoia only serves to push people further apart, not closer together. To attempt to control another person's behavior is something that I find rather repulsive.


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