Dealing with a parent who doesnt understand aspergers

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That's silly. Swearing in front of your kids may be bad parenting, but it's not abusive. No social worker or police officer in the world would do a thing about it. You'd probably have to flash the kids, or show them porn or something, for obscenity to come into play.

But yeah, Ede's parents aren't particularly helpful. Seems to me they might have problems of their own that are hindering their ability to make the effort to understand. Maybe they're even in denial, what with the "attention-seeking" accusation, which is something they often level at people they want to say don't have real problems and just need to straighten up. (Almost never true, incidentally, as people who don't have problems and want attention will get it in positive ways.)

Thing is, parents aren't perfect and eventually a kid has to realize he's got to depend on himself for most things, including emotional support. Time passes, and in a best case scenario, parents become friends. Worst case, you become estranged... but then again, with some parents that may be the best you can hope for.

Having children forces you to confront yourself, particularly the issues you have been able to suppress or deny most of your life. Some people work through those issues and the result is better self understanding and a healthier relationship with their kids. Some people go deeper into denial, which requires their children to keep up the charade.

My father went through his life trying to convince people that he was normal (it didn't work). When his children developed variants of those same traits he worked so hard to suppress, he responded by denying that we had any problems and yelling at us to correct our behavior.

I didn't want to be like my father and I thought I had always been honest with myself. I didn't realize all of the coping mechanisms (including denial) that I had grown accustomed to using until I had children (my kids do not have coping mechanisms and they are a lot like me).

I guess what I am trying to say is that it is hard for many people to acknowledge their own problems. It is even much harder to see those same problems in your own children.

Exactly the same here.
I've been like this for about 10 years.

Also no one's given me a straight answer for over 10 years.
Am I AS or not?
Whoever I am, I'm not disordered.

There's no sensible, positive help available anywhere.
Nowhere: I've looked.
If you're labeled, people call you an incapable "sufferer", but in the right situation and social environment, I don't suffer at all: I thrive.

I'm lost.

The only socialising advice I've had has been: "Hang back and wait."

I've "hung back" and waited for over 10 years and it still hasn't done any good. I've just grown lonelier and more isolated: people do comment on this.

This isn't any good. People start asking all sorts of awkward questions.
It's holding me back. I thought that this kind of thing (including issues with self care) only happened to men: I was wrong.

It's the whole entire world that doesn't understand AS or me.

.


Ok I hate just to jump in because I am not an aspie but I have a son who is. I try to learn everything I can to help him! My husband is the same way with my son he does not support my son! I do not understand why some people can understand it and some can not not. I wish you all the luck with trying to get your dad to understand.

Leave home as soon as it is practical. And don't be quick to forgive your parents. They have let you down.

ruveyn

Mom like to quote the saying You wanted a trip to Paris instead you got a trip to Holland. I always respond but Holland is just as great I mean look at the tulips etc. I guess its just that parents dream of a perfect child.

I would suggest getting yourself tested immediately for AS. Once you have doctors agreement on the issue, in england you are eledgible for DLA. I don't know what country you are in but I am sure there is a similar scheme. It helps me with my train fares, as I become easily confused about where I am. London, England has some very crowded stations. Anyway thats just one example of how it is used, thanks to everyones support on this, I've been on the site 14 hours and i love it already

None of us are disordered, we are just different, and need a little more help for that.

Thank you for your kind words, but I'm afraid that there are some slight complications.

I have been tested in the past and labeled.
Without going into details, let's just say that I didn't enjoy being labeled at all. I was bullied, denied opportunities and talked to in a condescending way actually, so I don't really want to go through all that again. Being called "daydreamer", "idiot", looked at fearfully and being publicly humiliated weren't exactly my idea of a good time.

I noticed that people treated me much better when they didn't identify me with AS. I was treated like a capable human rather than a set of negative criteria.

I have also written to the doctors saying that my past dx was a mistake because I genuinely believed this at the time. This was in part also due to me hearing of the "Extreme Male Brain" theory of autism, so I thought:

"Phew! I'm female, therefore I can't have it after all."

Many other people, who I know well, have told me similar things.

And, how are they going to test me for something that's already on my records that they've claimed that some people have grown out of anyway?

Plus the fact that I have people who love and care about me who don't want me labeled because they don't think it's fair for me to self stigmatise myself when there are so many other things that I can do. They honestly don't want me labeled again because they believe that it did me far more harm than good. Lots of people are saying "muddle through on your own" to me.

As for me "cadging off" of the state, I believe that there are people out there who have greater needs and are therefore far more deserving of the money than I am. My aim is to become completely self sufficient however long it takes.

Sometimes I wish there was a way for me to apply for a kind of AS/NT dual citizenship that wouldn't "stigmatise myself" or make those that I love upset, but would be helpful and positive in both areas of life.

I respect your decision not to take money from the gorvernment, and I further respect your courage for trying to become self-sufficient, however I think to be fair, the government has more than enough money to go around, and the money should be to help you on the way to self-sufficiency. I love the idea. However I know that in my state it just is not possible, however if I take the money I can now, it will help me later, and with such things as private tutor sessions (which I will require later with my A levels) And thus passing my A levels I will be able to get a high paid job and live a self sufficient, relatively stress free life. I am saying this under the assumption you are my age, which is to say 17, and having failed his GCSEs (or your countries equivalent) and re-taking. The DLA is to help me do things I could do more easily as a "Full functioning" adult, although in most cases I see aspergers people as higher functioning.

Also might I point out people treat you as a lower being because the things ASD, immediately Autism! Not neccessarily true, as I am sure we are all aware there are differences between the two, severe differences. Think about how you word it when you first talk to the person about it, or if someone else explains, re-explain that you don't need to be spoken to like an idiot, on the contrary anything but.

Remember what Hans Asperger, as I'm sure your aware the founder of the syndrome said about us. We are professors. We are very intelligent, just only in the specified areas. This is also something all aspergers people should use to their advantage. If we are interested, we will do it. We cover, and forgive me if this is a little inaccurate, 2% of the normal persons interest range. Our interests are narrow but intense. This is what helps us become self-sufficient in the long run.

I hope this post has helped you, God bless.

You've just described my father. He's mellowed these last few years as senility is setting in, but a couple of days is about the limit of how long he can be civil to me before he says something mean. Now that I live 400 miles away from the parents, I'm no longer expected to drop round for dinner. I haven't visited them for a couple of years, though they occasionally come to spend a week or so with me. After 3 days I want him gone, and by the time the visit is over, I'm a nervous wreck.

I've been dragged through the mud with the parents, myself. The only legitimately therapeutic remedy I know for it is to try to forgive him.

Odds are he loves you, even if he isn't good at showing it. Doesn't trouble showing emotions the way you feel them sound a little bit familiar to you, by the way? I mean it's not like the disorder manifests from out of no where. Honestly, though, the only fix I know is to assume he's just trying to push you to succeed in some messed-up, misguided way, and you should try to forgive him.

It sounds like you are old enough by now that you can see your father as a flawed, human figure in your life without hating him for it. Being able to see the flaws in this man and still care about him is a sign you've grown up. Even my father started addressing me as an adult after that little epiphany, and he's probably more of a head-up-the-arse conservative than your pop. And look what I have to contend with: I'm gay, and I'm an atheist. Believe me, if a social screw-up like me can bury the hatchet with a guy like that, you can do it by accident. It's actually harder to get it wrong.

That sounds a lot like my own father on some issues. He is a closed-minded, pig-headed, stubborn, boorish, opinionated, self-centered, loud, obnoxious, conservative, fifty-one year-old man. There hasn't been a question in my mind for years which side of the family the Asperger Syndrome comes from. If he'd been born a few generations later, he would have been diagnosed with it in a heart-beat. Nothing else can possibly explain this man's emotional incompetence. He fits the diagnostic criteria to a T. I've been telling it to my mother for years. YEARS.

Oh, don't get me wrong; I've learned to get along with the man, and I can even communicate with him on some level. Outside of his hobbies, though (in which I have NO interest whatsoever), his speech is still just about as disyllabic as you can get.

Forget it. Explain how you feel to your mother, and let her see what she can do. If she can't put a dent in him, you'll just have to accept the stubborn, old fool as he is.

Just kick him out of your life and be done with it. You can't MAKE anyone accept you for who you are. And it sounds like he's already firmly made up his mind about what he thinks of you.

I love my father quite a bit and I dread the day he is no longer with us. I really do wish I got along better with him because it would make me incredibly happy. In any casE I do the best I can and regarding my dad possibly being autistic...I think you might have a point. My aunts pointed this out also (the aunts who "diagnosed" me and have a lot of knowledge about the subject) that he very well might have some form of it and that is wherE I got it from. If I told him that he would go REALLY nuts lol.

All the best with your A-Levels.
It is tough.

Without revealing my age, I am older than you and have passed my A-Levels and GCSEs to a very high standard.

I studied on my own and the revision guides helped a lot (my parents didn't have a clue what I was talking about, too many big words they say). With extra "Key Skills" thrown in *groan*. They forced me to, I swear. Considering that A-Levels were two of the worst and most isolated years of my life, I did incredibly well.



I've tried to explain it, but they all start talking to me like a three year old or they are all in complete denial. Sometimes they even get angry. It's ignorance. Ignorance is so prevalent, that even I was ignorant or my own ignorance! Plus the fact that I'm a girl and they think it's somehow "wrong" or "odd" for me to have severe social difficulties.



I'd love to be a professor, I really would, but there's an awful lot of obligatory group work and socialising thrown into courses these days. I'd love to get there without enduring social burnout and the embarrassment of not being able to find anyone to live out with I really would. People talking too fast and acting too slowly. Oh yeah and being excluded and ignored from formals and parties ad being all alone on a Saturday night while everyone else is singing and sick outside your room door. And the food poisoning. That's an absolute riot yeah *sarcasm* .

I'd love to speak at a conference and do some research, that's if the overcrowding doesn't get to me first.

That's why I'm reading on my own now, I'm sick of being pushed about and messed around. Oh the things I get myself into...



Oh dear.

I do have particular narrow, but intense interests.
The trouble is that they tend to rotate every few months or so: I have a plethora of them.

Social psychology, web design, organic chemistry, Germanic foreign languages, sound engineering, MIDI programming, fossil genera...

I can't list them all here, but I can hyper-analyse the most obscure things.
Just the sort of things that aren't currently being funded by research.
Also, I can't decide what to specialise in for a career because there's too many to choose from!

As for practical usage for all these things, I'm still working on it.

The reason why I've learned all this junk, according to my family, was originally to try and prove that I "didn't have AS", was normal and could cope on my own. I had a heck of a lot more time to read and revise when hardly anyone came round to my house...
"Living in a bubble": that's what it was like.

That's the problem.
I am full functioning academically: it's the social stress, college environment and crowds that are stopping me achieving anything further. I've asked for help in the past and people have said: "You'll be fine."

I wasn't fine though, I had a nervous breakdown.
So whether I'm "normal" or not I've got to get myself sorted.

Well I think you will have to find a way to just leave it be and agree to disagree about it. Trying to push him to accept AS as a part of you (or HIM, worst yet) is only going to keep the relationship hostile.

Why does he need to know about it anyways?