Instead of closing in on yourself...

Post Reply New Topic

Thank you - write what you want but please
dont call people wuzzes and tell them how easy
it is. If it is that way for you, great. We`re trying
our best we others also, we really are.

And again, i really dont want to argue or become
mortal enemies over this, i was rude but you kinda
asked for it no hard feelings i hope, this
thread got to me and here we are

Last edited by ImTheGuyThatDidThat on 16 Mar 2009, 12:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.

It's not easy for me either, but I prefer to have a goal instead of giving up. That's all there is to it. But as I said, I will comment no more on this.

I think you have some good points, Kenjuudo. Perhaps you put it a little harshly but I see what you are getting at and it is true. It's harder for us to put ourselves out there and many of us seem more sensitive to rejection than 'normal' people. But it really is all about perspective. If you (general you) don't take rejection so personally and ect then it would be easier to meet people and not feel so much loneliness. It's a very hard thing to do, though. Espeially since it requires balance -another thing that we are notoriously bad at

Yes you have some good points also, and trying and
working instead of giving up is good, cant argue that,
sinking into a puddle of selfpitty does little good.
i dont know...small easy things can be hard, that
i know. Dont stop commenting just because of
my outburst, you do what you want and i have
no wish you dont write

I'll adapt a quote from Event Horizon: "You know nothing. Asperger's Syndrome is only a clinical term. The reality is much... MUCH... worse."

The more i think about the things being brought up
here, the more there is to think about
About meeting people, how people think, how
something that can be so easy for some also can
be so hard for others, because of the way of
thinking and how that makes one feel. And
about feeling bad but not being able to fix it
even though one sees how others do it

Depends on what part they're eating...

I dunno, I think the OP's behavior and profile photo dissonance seem quite Aspie-ish to me. He just seems to be somewhat of a more optimistic (when it comes to girls) Aspie like me (or maybe he leans more towards NT, like I do) and just wants to help. He's friendly at least, and I would take his comments more as mild teasing than real criticism.

I tend to agree with him on a lot of points -- sometimes we build up rejection to be a bigger disaster than it is. It's very telling that someone compared it to a fire -- if you build it up that way in your head, that's what it becomes. For the person that said the fire thing, don't go into Sales, or maybe you should, because you'll get very used to "fire" quickly.

Getting used to rejection is a life skill. It means you go for opportunities you are not guaranteed to get, you take job interviews you might just blow entirely (and we've all done it), but once in a while, you score a big win too.

Same way with girls. You try to judge who might be interested and who you also like, you try to approach them in some way, and a good majority of the time, you get shot down. No harm, no foul, it happens, and girls are used to rejecting, so no sweat off their back. And they get rejected too, so they know how much it sucks.

It sounds like all of us had sh***y childhoods in some way or another because of Aspergers. In my case, it didn't really get bad until around age 9, when I started sticking out from my peers and becoming more annoying than fun, and not catching on socially. Oh well. I still have issues, but I also have a good life, and do surprisingly well even compared to NT's. I still hate rejection, and I still look back and feel embarassed, but I think I'd rather have the rejection than a gnawing feeling I should have taken a chance when I didn't. Nothing is worse than a wasted life of doing nothing, even one where you completely F up your life and make a mess of it. At least you got experience.

Why? Because I'll get "fired"?


Aspies have plenty of experience -- experience getting rejected. When nothing good ever comes from it, it isn't always from a lack of trying.

Tahitiii says it best:

Some people here are saying things like you're not speaking to us, you're being judgmental and so on. However I'd at least say that to an extent you're speaking to me, because I'm not very forward with women. My overriding experience over the past few years has been that whenever I think a girl shows signs of interest, I'm usually wrong, she was just being friendly, and good thing I didn't make a sudden move. Some girls take it well but some won't, and I'm also not very good at handling that kind of drama. I fear having a sexual harassment charge slapped on me, after everything. Besides, would being that forward not put off more women than it would encourage? Overall, doing something like suddenly kissing a girl I like would be totally out of the question.

So that's why I try to show interest more subtly, but I'm often put off by a lack of any encouraging signs from the other party. So the "if you think a girl is hitting on you" situation is pretty rare, and doesn't always involve girls I'm interested in. I like to think I can pick up signs of interest after missing them in secondary school, but it seems like now that I can either nobody's interested or nobody's prepared to show those signs.

It's nice to know that you can do this (assuming you're being as forward as you instruct people to be in the first paragraph) and pull it off without getting into trouble, but personally from my own experience with this I can't imagine I'd find it funny. I just don't see the humour in that sort of dramatic situation. Any laughter on my part would be nervous laughter. And a rule I tend to follow is: if you don't see the humour in a situation, don't re-enact it expecting others to find it funny because you're probably missing the essence of the humour. This applies both to telling jokes and brushing off embarrassing situations such as rejection. So for you, OK, but that doesn't necessarily make me reassured that being forward is the way to go.

Last edited by Hector on 16 Mar 2009, 3:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I'm all for taking positive actions instead of feeling sorry for myself - but you have to remember that many of us on the spectrum have a real problem figuring out another person's intentions. Kissing a girl/woman who you THINK is interested in you works great in the movies or in books, but can lead to real problems in real life (sexual harassment complaints spring to mind.)

It turns out that I simply have a blind spot when it comes to distinguishing the difference between interest & politeness. I'm not afraid to get hurt (at least not in the way you imply), I just require that the girl in question express her interest unequivocally - because I literally CAN'T take a hint (at least not socially.)

The kiss was purely figuratively speaking. An example.

Give some other examples, then. I may not have a general idea of just what you're referring to, it's just that what you're describing sounds very forward. Which I suppose is OK because I know a few guys who are very forward and get relationships out of it.

I didn't have time to read through this whole thread, but I was immediately shocked by the statement that the worst thing that could happen is you'd get slapped.

Excuse me, sir. This isn't the 40s. Women carry weapons and will use them, not to mention the amount of women out there who've had formal training in various forms of fighting. I myself carry something for defense that would be a bit more than a slap, and if I guy were reading me wrong and decided to forcefully kiss me, I have no doubt I'd do him some potentially serious harm. My friend is a competitive archer and knows a lot of other fight moves and has just finished her studies to become a law enforcement person. We would kick someone's ass for trying that, quite frankly, even if we don't look like we would.

As for just going with the flow and making mistakes, I agree with you there. A lot of guys, AS and otherwise, don't do that. Hell, a lot of girls do it, too. That's natural. Rejection hurts like hell, but if we all tried harder to find the acceptance within ourselves, maybe the rejection wouldn't hurt so much and there could be more open communication in the world. Hey, I can dream, can't I?

I understood that the kiss was a figurative kiss. I'm afraid I'm still going to have to come down on the side of requiring an unequivocal indication of interest on the girl's part. It isn't even an issue of failing 10 times to succeed once - I simply have no clue how to tell when a woman is interested, so I'm more likely to fail 100% of the time (always acting on incorrectly perceived interest, while not even noticing genuine interest.)

You just admitted, though, that people (at least adult men) are only allowed to make such mistakes within limits.