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Gaya
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18 Mar 2009, 11:15 pm

Okay, I need some encouragement. My love life is lame, so I was hoping there might be some people out there who have had lame love lives but now have good ones. I know there are some married people on this forum, and people with close significant others. Was your dating life always easy? What kinds of things have you been through? Have you settled for abusive people, inappropriate partners, etc? How did you find the person you're with now, who is so wonderful? Is there hope out there for those like me, who are suffering in loneliness?



Learning2Survive
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18 Mar 2009, 11:22 pm

your relationship is actually very good compared to what most people have. it does not sound all that abusive to me.
most of us are lucky to find anyone who is willing to spend time with us. you got much more than that.

1. start emailing back and forth with your bf
2. open communication
3. give him space, don't criticize him, let him be the way he is
4. tell him what you want him to say, when to call you, how you want him to hug you, etc. but do not make him do that. just let him know, and if he wants to, he will.
5. don't blame yourself for any of this, but relationships do take a lot of work. one thing i find is that if the girl acts as a good hostess in the house (gets the guy seated, offers him some water) it makes him feel welcome. whatever brings you two warmth, intimacy, care, and feels nurturing and builds self esteem.


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Last edited by Learning2Survive on 18 Mar 2009, 11:33 pm, edited 3 times in total.

Gaya
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18 Mar 2009, 11:26 pm

Thanks, Jeff. :)



makuranososhi
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19 Mar 2009, 1:43 am

Gaya wrote:
Okay, I need some encouragement. My love life is lame, so I was hoping there might be some people out there who have had lame love lives but now have good ones. I know there are some married people on this forum, and people with close significant others. Was your dating life always easy? What kinds of things have you been through? Have you settled for abusive people, inappropriate partners, etc? How did you find the person you're with now, who is so wonderful? Is there hope out there for those like me, who are suffering in loneliness?


My dating life was not easy. Frequent goof ups, miscommunications, missed opportunities. Many if not most of my relationships were with individuals who either took advantage of me or took me for granted. I've been hurt badly by the infidelity of others; also by the unwillingness of others to accept responsibility for their actions. Even when I should have known better, I have stayed with partners that I thought I loved, because I had made a commitment. Now I am happy with my fiance - one of my closest friends, though we've lived 1600 miles apart for most of the 8.5 years we've known each other. While we were both attracted when we met, the combination of the distance and her being previously involved meant that I had to decide... and I did, that she was someone I wanted in my life, no matter the role. And after all the years, after we each got engaged to others for extended periods before those relationships fell apart, we realized that we still wanted to be with each other, and that we were willing to take the risks necessary to make it work between us. She's an intelligent, blunt, and socially adept woman; I find her to be one of the most strikingly beautiful sights that I've ever seen. It was a risk... loving from afar. There were a lot of times that decision was questioned, but even so - I would do it all again. There is hope, there are no guarantees... just remember that in order to reap the rewards, one must be willing to take the risks.


M.


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JohnHopkins
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19 Mar 2009, 6:27 am

First relationship was a disaster, second one was a bit better, third one was fairly good until it ended, current one is amazing. In between then I've had any number of false starts and a couple of flings, plus at least three years aggregate of single life after my first relationship.

So no, it wasn't always easy, and in fact it's not easy now - a relationship takes effort. If your relationship is easy then it's probably only a limited amount of time until it's not easy any more. So yeah, I wouldn't worry.



DustinWX
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19 Mar 2009, 10:41 am

John, how did you know that these girls wouldn't turn you down? As I've been turned down a number of times, and im not sure what im doing wrong and why these girls are not ever interested from the get go. Besides my awkward first demeanor I guess?



Gaya
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21 Mar 2009, 10:56 pm

Thanks guys. :) Hey, are there any females with feedback?



makuranososhi
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21 Mar 2009, 11:18 pm

DustinWX wrote:
John, how did you know that these girls wouldn't turn you down? As I've been turned down a number of times, and im not sure what im doing wrong and why these girls are not ever interested from the get go. Besides my awkward first demeanor I guess?


You never know whether or not they will turn you down; if you assume or act as though they have already said no, then it seemingly makes easy the act of rejection. One could make an analogy to sales techniques; by being positive and asking questions that one knows they will say yes to, it predisposes the other person towards saying yes when another question is asked. Not sure how that works, but it has for me when I worked in sales.


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Orbyss
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21 Mar 2009, 11:23 pm

I have more questions than feedback. Why are you lonely?

I'm in a hellish relationship currently, and the reason why is a long story I won't go into unless I have a good reason (it's also a bit unusual, I think). I don't date, I never have and I never will. I find it more destructive and pointless than anything as a concept. I believe that when people click, they click, and that's all there is to it; making that connection isn't something that can be forced or looked for. Though, to be fair, some people do get lucky when dating.

I'm still living with, married to and best friends with my first attempt at a relationship, but we only make it as friends. I love him deeply as a friend, though. You could say he was an inappropriate lover. My current is sometimes abusive but not physically and not in a way he's aware when he does it.



JohnHopkins
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22 Mar 2009, 8:31 am

DustinWX wrote:
John, how did you know that these girls wouldn't turn you down?


I didn't.

In the space of one year, I got turned down by eleven - count 'em, eleven girls.

The trick is to not let it get you down.

Think about it. What does rejection mean? Nothing. It just means they're not interested in you sexually. So you dust yourself off, you get over it for a while and then you move on, and eventually you hit the jackpot.

If I only ever asked out girls that I KNEW were into me... well, I'd only have my current girlfriend, and even then that's because she made the first move.

Quite apart from which, my first and third girlfriends asked ME out.



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22 Mar 2009, 8:44 am

Gaya wrote:
Okay, I need some encouragement. My love life is lame, so I was hoping there might be some people out there who have had lame love lives but now have good ones. I know there are some married people on this forum, and people with close significant others. Was your dating life always easy? What kinds of things have you been through? Have you settled for abusive people, inappropriate partners, etc? How did you find the person you're with now, who is so wonderful? Is there hope out there for those like me, who are suffering in loneliness?
my love life so far has been pretty lousy, 1 bossy girl, 2 abusive girls, and when I finally find a nice one something happens so she's taken away from me... however there is a light at the end of the tunnel for anyone who has had a lousy love life, I know there's a few girls out there who like me, and won't abuse me like the last 2 girls did nor boss me around like the first one did, there's someone for all of us, I know this and I know she's out there for me somewhere, maybe I've found her and not realised, maybe I haven't, but I focus on the fact that she exists and I know I'll be with her someday, could happen tomorrow, could happen next week, could happen a month or more down the line, but it WILL happen

I'm, as you might gather, am currently single, and 5 years of abuse hasn't dissuaded me from women, nor had the bossyness I suffered for a while with my first girlfriend (who's still like that to this day, I have a friendship with her and she still tries to boss me about, like she owns me or something), someone is out there for everyone, I'm recently starting to seek another partner now, after taking a break of 2 months since splittling with my ex, I'm positive there'll be a good outcome to it :)

Think positive is the key words :)


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22 Mar 2009, 12:03 pm

JohnHopkins wrote:
If I only ever asked out girls that I KNEW were into me... well, I'd only have my current girlfriend, and even then that's because she made the first move.

Quite apart from which, my first and third girlfriends asked ME out.


What fantasyland are you from that women actually ask guys out, and can I move there?



makuranososhi
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22 Mar 2009, 1:05 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:
JohnHopkins wrote:
If I only ever asked out girls that I KNEW were into me... well, I'd only have my current girlfriend, and even then that's because she made the first move.

Quite apart from which, my first and third girlfriends asked ME out.


What fantasyland are you from that women actually ask guys out, and can I move there?


It does happen. One ex gave me her number while I was at work; she proposed to me a matter of weeks later. Just don't rely on it.


M.


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For those who seek an alternative, it is coming.

So long, and thanks for all the fish!


JohnHopkins
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22 Mar 2009, 5:59 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:
JohnHopkins wrote:
If I only ever asked out girls that I KNEW were into me... well, I'd only have my current girlfriend, and even then that's because she made the first move.

Quite apart from which, my first and third girlfriends asked ME out.


What fantasyland are you from that women actually ask guys out, and can I move there?


It's called England.



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22 Mar 2009, 7:23 pm

JohnHopkins wrote:
ToadOfSteel wrote:
JohnHopkins wrote:
If I only ever asked out girls that I KNEW were into me... well, I'd only have my current girlfriend, and even then that's because she made the first move.

Quite apart from which, my first and third girlfriends asked ME out.


What fantasyland are you from that women actually ask guys out, and can I move there?


It's called England.


Count Minnesota in, too, then, my friends and I all did it.