Confused about wanting a relationship

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redplanet
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31 Mar 2009, 2:00 am

Any advice appreciated!

I'm a self diagnosed Aspie, or at least AT. I've been single for 3 years - before that I was with a guy who almost certainly had AS as well. We lived in our own fantasy worlds and didn't connect emotionally, only in the ways we both could tolerate.

I've now got a friend who is really interested in me. He is NT, and the nicest, most caring person I have ever met and he accepts me completely. In theory he should be all I could need as he would do anything for me and I do feel much more comfortable with him than with anyone else.

The problem is, sometimes he wants to go out or just spend time together and I would much rather be alone. I don't get this as sometimes I do feel lonely, but more often I really don't want to spend time with anyone. If we do go out I prefer to have a meal or lunch somewhere so we can focus on our food. I don't see how I can be in a relationship with someone and feel like this. I've never been a natural people person as I'm introverted and a little social phobic due to being out of sync around others. It should be different with this guy though, but it isn't. I just don't always want to be with someone as I'd rather be with my own thoughts and obsessions. It isn't that I don't like the guy, but I just feel happier alone.

Does anyone else feel this way either in or out of relationships? Has it been something you could work around in a relationship or did you remain single? I'd be interested in any experiences or tips, thanks :)



Silvervarg
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31 Mar 2009, 3:25 am

Go to an alone-place. :) A park, or (since I don't have a clue where you live) a night walk somewhere quiet. Or try to go to a movie, that should do the same trick as the dinner, you'll be around people who do not notice you and he gets to show you off (or what ever his motives are). ;)
Any relationship is about giving and taking and you need to find a balance.


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nara44
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31 Mar 2009, 3:34 am

redplanet wrote:
Any advice appreciated!

I'm a self diagnosed Aspie, or at least AT. I've been single for 3 years - before that I was with a guy who almost certainly had AS as well. We lived in our own fantasy worlds and didn't connect emotionally, only in the ways we both could tolerate.

I've now got a friend who is really interested in me. He is NT, and the nicest, most caring person I have ever met and he accepts me completely. In theory he should be all I could need as he would do anything for me and I do feel much more comfortable with him than with anyone else.

The problem is, sometimes he wants to go out or just spend time together and I would much rather be alone. I don't get this as sometimes I do feel lonely, but more often I really don't want to spend time with anyone. If we do go out I prefer to have a meal or lunch somewhere so we can focus on our food. I don't see how I can be in a relationship with someone and feel like this. I've never been a natural people person as I'm introverted and a little social phobic due to being out of sync around others. It should be different with this guy though, but it isn't. I just don't always want to be with someone as I'd rather be with my own thoughts and obsessions. It isn't that I don't like the guy, but I just feel happier alone.

Does anyone else feel this way either in or out of relationships? Has it been something you could work around in a relationship or did you remain single? I'd be interested in any experiences or tips, thanks :)


i have no tips but usually get quite similar experience with NT women
sorry but i could never worked around it
naturally I'm more attracted to crazy and weird persons like me where i can share my obsessions and thoughts or at least get my mental states understood and accommodated by them,
maybe the best thing to hope for is for a person who is also your obsession
i know it sound a little sick
but if it is true for both parties it could be really nice



MissConstrue
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31 Mar 2009, 3:39 am

Wow your story sounds much similar to mine. I too have been single for 3 years and it was much the same only that he was an NT.

This friend and situation you mention is something I too struggled with. But this was before I was DXed with ASD much less knew about it. Sounds as if the way you describe your friend, he may be able or willing to compromise? That is if you feel comfortable enough to communicate with him?

I think that's one huge mistake I made in that brief relationship. I felt as if I had to conform to a way of living which became to unbearable for me. He was very outgoing and always wanted me to hang with him and friends. I however was the opposite. I had trouble following through his plans and what he wanted me and him to do. So me telling him I didn't feel good or didn't want to come.....I guess made it more frustrating to him. Other than being the jerk he trully was (long story ), he made me feel guilty in that I had no interest in him anymore. I tried and tried till I started having major meltdowns along with depression. Then it officially it was over between him and me after finding out what he'd been doing behind my back..(another long miserable story).

My small advice to you is take it slowly. I think most of us tend to rush things thinking it's the way to be! So until you're comfortable enough, communicate to him about youself. Write it down before you do. If he can't accept these aspects about yourself, move on. I know it's hard but being alone I think has helped me discover more about myself. I don't care about what people think of me much as I did when I tried pretending to be something I was not.

Take care and hope some of this helps.


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LordKristov
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31 Mar 2009, 5:41 am

MissConstrue wrote:
My small advice to you is take it slowly. I think most of us tend to rush things thinking it's the way to be! So until you're comfortable enough, communicate to him about youself. Write it down before you do. If he can't accept these aspects about yourself, move on. I know it's hard but being alone I think has helped me discover more about myself. I don't care about what people think of me much as I did when I tried pretending to be something I was not.

Take care and hope some of this helps.


I can certainly relate to this. My (ex) wife came home with me on our second date - and she didn't leave for 8 1/2 years. Hindsight is 20/20. So yes, take it slow and make sure it's something you really want before things get too serious. I have not even been on a date in two years since my divorce, and yes, it can get lonely. But I would rather deal with that than the local dating scene around here - where if I'm gonna get anywhere, I must pretend to be something I'm not.

Do the two of you have any common interests and/or hobbies? Maybe you could start with that and build on it. If he is a decent guy like you are pretty sure he is, he will be willing to compromise on some things. Just be sure to meet him halfway on some things yourself, though - relationships are a two-way street after all.

Just my two cents - hope it helps.


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redplanet
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31 Mar 2009, 6:58 am

Thanks all of you for your advice, it's been really helpful!

I totally get what you're saying about not getting into something that is all wrong for me. I don't do social scenes either, and my inner world is something very important to me and I can't share too much.

I guess I need to find out whether 1) this relationship feels right for me, 2) if my friend can accept me, AS and all, and 3) if we can find compatable interests or a compatable way of being that works for us both.

I need to work on developing a balance where I can give him what he needs but still hold onto who I am, especially in terms of my inner world. My previous relationship was with another possible Aspie and it nearly killed me as I felt so pressured into doing certain things, as he was quite intense and wanted me to move into his world at the expense of mine. I loved him a lot (in many ways still do) but it wouldn't have worked, we were both too diffferent and too self focussed.

Not saying two Aspies can't ever work as in the right circumstances they can, but there needs to be some give and take.

Your replies have made me think a lot about this so thanks :)