Advise needed on female AS partner.

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Firstly, because the way people with AS learn and adapt is very different from the way NT people do, regardless of the problem, this is a FANTASTIC place to get advice.

Secondly (and most importantly) rigidity is a characteristic of AS, and in fact is part of the diagnostic criteria.
I found this part of the DSM-IV here:

B. Restricted repetitive and stereotyped patterns of behaviour, interests, and activities, as manifested by at least one of the following:

1. Encompassing preoccupation with one or more stereotyped and restricted patterns of interest that is abnormal either in intensity or focus
2. Apparently inflexible adherence to specific, non-functional routines or rituals
3. Stereotyped and repetitive motor mannerisms (e.g. hand or finger flapping or twisting, or complex whole body movements)
4. Persistent preoccupation with parts of objects.Aspergers Society of Ontario

Call it bossy if you like, but it sounds to me like she's inflexible, and instead of coping with that in a healthy way, she's taking it out on her husband. With all the advice on this thread, I bet they can come up with a better coping mechanism.

While I agree that many aspies 'suffer in silence', I can't seem to find ANYTHING to that effect in the DSM-IV. Curious...
I've read that extroverted aspies actually tend to blurt and explode, and that introversion/extroversion is not linked to AS, but has a lot to do with how it manifests.

You seem to be confusing rigidity with control.

I have a lifetime of experience with some one who requires everything be done in a very specific way, and this trait does not seem to diminish with time. There is a big difference between having very specific ways of doing things personally and requiring that everyone else do things in that same way. For example, suppose I do not like my food to touch (OK, this is real) -- fine, I make sure that my food doesn't touch, but I do not require that every one around not allow their food to touch. Another example -- my teeth must be flossed in a particular order or it doesn't feel right -- I do not impose this upon my children. The person in my life of whom I speak .... would. Can you see the difference?

If your woman has much in common with the person in my life, she probably cannot let it go even when it is entirely irrational, continuing to randomly enumerate why her way is better after hours , days, weeks ... sometimes a new argument for "her way" might pop up years later. If you can't live with it, you might want to move on.

Thank you for understanding, you said it much better than I.

Sorry for jumping in late here, but here goes...

By the way, English is not my first languange, if anything seems out of place...


I do feel for you... and I strongly believe there are a number of things that you CAN do - both you and
your partner.

First of all - please view the following as suggestions for what you could try out. They are in NO way the
only way but perhaps they give some ideas on how you can approach things.


Asperger syndrome (AS) is such a complex range of elements affecting a person, even more so for someone who has
lived a number of years as an adult, not knowing of their condition - yet having to learn a number of coping & compensation
techniques to make it. I also think we only see the "tip of the iceberg" in what is common knowledge about AS today.
Much of the "professional conclusions & advice" seems to come from non-AS people, who only see "one side" or perhaps
"the surface" of something that has many layers & dimensions.


In short, we are all very special in our own ways, and nobody really knows why


That said, the below ideas/concepts may or may not be applicable, but maybe they could help.



"Having problems" is good !

One thing I would like to say to anyone having a relationship with an AS person is this:

If the AS is giving you a hard time about a "problem" - be happy ! !! There is a good chance they do it because
they care about you ! Understanding why could be the beginning of a wonderful thing...

Having no problems could of course be "all good" - but could also mean that the person with AS is withdrawing
and/or does not wish to/have the strength to resolve things with you, getting "on the same page".

So, problems is good (as long as you solve them )


The "hard as rock" and the my-way-or-the-highway-syndrome

Anyone with AS who try to "live a normal life" run into a LOT of problems that "normal" people usually don't do.
Maybe we are "wired" in a certain way, or that we for so long have been drilled in "facing unknown
situations/problems" - but we tend to be very analytical, categorical - seeing things in black & white and being
very logical about things.

Many with AS have difficulties with intuitively "reading people". We can learn to "read people", but doing so
seem to require consciously focusing on doing this for every person we meet (unless we know them very well) and
comes at a huge "cost" in heavy trial-and-error. This makes it very difficult and/or exhausting for us to be at
big parties or other "unstructured social events". Mingling parties is usually not very high up on our list...

In order to figure things out, we assess, analyze, assume, test & learn (repeat ad infinitum) ... and build much like
a "knowledge base" of our experiences - what works and what doesn't... what hurts and what doesn't.

For someone who is adult - this is like a HUGE tree of "conclusions" and hard learned experiences that often
depend on each other in complex structures.

These conclusions may not always be exclusively correct - and could be subject to change - but they are what
works for us, what protects us and what makes us able to function in situations we otherwise would not.

If we are blessed/lucky/good at this process, people with AS can appear to be quite "normal" - much like a blind
person would appear if being watched doing things in their "own environment" (like their own home). But if
someone where to move furniture around, drop things on the floor, remove items used as "reference points" etc, it
would end up in disaster for the blind person.


My personal experience is that this "tree of experience" is very much an organic growing "thing", and that I can
choose to "invite" someone I care about into this process - making the experiences & establish a "same page
consensus" together. The alternative is to continue on two separate paths, and not having a very deep
relationship.

So... one thing you could try out is going on this "journey" with a very open mind - facing things together,
resolving things together, understanding things together and make sure the person with AS
understand that you are there together - on the same page.

If done right - you could come very close to each other, and learn a lot of how to live with a person who has AS
(or who is blind )



Regarding some of the other things discussed...


AS people being controlling or bossy ?

I think one big component of AS is anxiety (for lack of a better word) - in both positive and negative ways. It
drives the passionate/obsessive side in us. It can make us stronger, hyperactive or manic, incredibly convinced,
and more stubborn than most...

... just as turning back on us - making us scared/depressed/panicking/shy etc.

This "force" is a powerful thing - and "what makes the bumblebee fly" - being the source/foundation to many of the "gifts"
associated with AS.

Attempting to "fight" this force of "anxiety" head-on is like "playing chicken-race" with a train - something
will get wrecked and it won't be funny.

I think that a great number of AS people appear to be inflexible/rigid/controlling/bossy even though they are not -
and they do it to protect themselves, to be able to function !

Finding out why is probably very difficult if you approach it as an isolated problem - but if you do the
"journey together", as described above, you have a good chance of discovering what it is they need to protect and why.
Understanding and respecting these things may bring you closer together than ever before.



"Let things go" and "roll with the punches"

For me this has two very different sides to it.

Of course, this could be very different from one Aspie to another but I believe that if you are successfully doing the
"journey" thing - making sure that you continue building experiences together and on "the same page"
(like walking hand-in-hand) you may find that you have an "ideal" partner for living your life and experiencing
new things - not having to follow the "rulebook" at all times. Some (or many?) people with AS have a bit of
"hyperactivity" characteristics in the mix, and can be very spontaneous and curious on life in general if given the
right conditions.


The other side, which I think is important to mention is "letting something go" as in "stop dwelling".
Unresolved issues - not being on the same page and not reaching a mutual understanding - is a serious "stopper"
that could make it impossible for you to continue the journey together. Many people with AS have mastered the
art of dwelling as part of their analytical trial-and-error repeat-ad-infinitum behaviour.

We analyze (even when we sleep!)... a lot... often... and then some more - that's how we survive !

It seems that a lot of the experiences that build the "knowledgebase" (i.e. the framework for functioning)
mentioned above is dependant on each other. "Skipping a step" (i.e. "leaving" an unresolved issue "mid-air") may be
possible for a short while, but will most likely resurface - soon, and this time he brought his friends

A very good "control question" for successfully doing the journey is asking "do you feel that we are on the same page?" or
"do you feel that I understand you?" - a "yes" means you are well on your way a "no" means you have some figuring
out to do...



I realize this turned out to be a veeeery long post , but hopefully there was something in there that could help !


Best regards, T

I love this discourse, Thinking. I'm gonna print it out and save it.

Thanks for your input, it was helpful.

Things have gotten much better since my first post. My partner is learning to accept her AS, as am I. It's like a person who has been continually stressed and depressed (dragging everyone in their family along with them) about not being able to understand people suddenly realizing that they are partially deaf. "Ah ha! That explains a lot!". Knowing she has AS we can both move forward in a more posive light.

Cheers!

That's great news granatelli. You're to be commended for making the effort to try and find solutions or compromises, indeed, something that helps you, your partner, and your family.

It's important for everyone with AS to remember that it's on a spectrum, there are degrees, and some who live with it will be more able and open to looking at their behaviour and the impact it may have than others will be. In the same way that no two people with AS will develop at exactly the same rate - no two people are exactly the same regardless of whether they're AS or NT. Perhaps this sounds patronising, it's not meant to, and if it does I couldn't really care less because it's also the truth

Good stuff and good luck for the future.

Good to hear that things are getting better

Good luck !

I am recently diagnosed and looking back on relationships I know I would have coped better had I known I had AS. For example, the cutlery scraping thing drives me crackers sometimes, but I used to feel guilty and stupid for feeling that way, just grit my teeth and get stressed - which then would explode eventually over something probably quite trivial. Now I would either eat separately or cringe but without getting so stressed - because I could say WHY. There are lots more examples like this.
It's not about using AS as an excuse to behave any way you like regardless, I wouldn't want to cause hurt to anyone anyway, but it does help knowing.
So hang in there - it should get easier. Good luck!