I'm constantly amazed by the existance of reality. By the fact that things actually happen, that you can be an actor in some kind of weird game where the things you do affect other things, that other things actually exist and have their own inner worlds. It makes my head spin.
For example, my grandmother died two days ago. Everyone was upset, crying by her bedside and so on. And everyone expected me to be upset. But I wasn't. I'm not. All I was thinking about was 'Wow, she's an actual person and she has her own experiences. How surreal! And she's experiencing dying, which I have never experienced before. I wonder what that's like?' And then I was wondering about the psychology of death, you know, what happens to your conciousness as you slip away like that, what your last experiences are like. I was thinking about all the theory of dying, but I couldn't feel the reality of someone else's death. Once she was moving and talking to me, and now she is not. She's another one of those silent motionless things now. Things appear and then disappear from my life all the time, so it didn't sadden me. But it should have saddened me, I think. I can't grasp the reality of the situation - that a real person died, and that all her feelings and thoughts and memories are gone forever. And I don't get it. I feel fine.
01 Apr 2009, 10:45 pm
