Intuitive Social Situations Demystified

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Now if I were the other person talking to you millie, I would smile, say "That's cool," hopefully remember to congratulate you, happily learn about Von Guerard, maybe ask you how your style is like Von Guerard's and can I see some of your recent work, maybe apply Von Guerard's style to my own interest of photography, and likely add something about how my photography's been lately. But of course, I'm an Aspie.

In normal situations, what I've learned is that when people ask you how you are, it's more like a social demand that you WILL LISTEN to how THEY are, because they really don't much care how you are unless you're a close friend, and even then they have all kinds of stuff going on in their own lives and very little room left over in their brains/hearts to take in any of your meaningful stuff on top of theirs, unless you make it worth their while. On top of this, you are expected to AGREE with the other person.

Example: (which may be flawed due to my own Aspie perspective)

Other Person: "How are things? what has been happening in your life of late?"

Aspie Me Trying to Answer in an NT Mode: "Okay. Not much, how about you?"

Other Person: "Well, this winter weather is absolutely HORRIBLE! Too much cold and snow. Too bad we all can't live on a beach in sunny Florida!" * huge smile *

Aspie Me Being Honest: "Actually, I love winter. See, I'm a landscape/nature photographer and specialize in snow scenes. They say "the worse the weather, the better the pictures."

Other Person: "Oh...really. i have to go."

Alternate Realities: Now if on the other hand I had smiled and said, "Yeah, I totally agree, I HATE winter! How are you handling it?" or maybe if I had said, "Well personally I prefer winter but I can see how the sunny beach in Florida sounds like a great idea, have you ever gone there before?" it's a good bet the other person would have kept talking to me and may have shown interest in becoming friends.

Anyways ... discussing art is cool by me!

~~ the phoenix

What Aspies don't understand is that it's not that we lack social skills but that our behavior, a result of a different functioning of the brain, rubs NTs the wrong way.

millie, interesting reply. Often I am told I think too much. I'm aware I type too long but not sure how to shorten it.

One thing I learned the hard way, when someone with autism talks, most often they talk about what interests them and what they intend to say.

More often than not an NT is probably looking for the motive behind what is being said. Why are you talking about Von Guerard in great detail? To you, you're just answering the question. To the person, there could be a few reasons. One, perhaps they felt jealous and threatened. Maybe to them it came across as bragging and upstaging them (if they hadn’t had any recent achievements to that level). These things you wouldn't know and I don't even believe the other person knows.

It could also be the person all of a sudden felt overwhelmed. I'm not familiar with Von Guerard. I'd shut up and try to listen as long as I could stand. It must be a human thing to feel painfully awkward to be stuck in a conversation without anything to say to feel included. Being lost for words isn't a pleasant feeling.
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Here are a few other things I learned:

When I got into a conflict, my natural response is to go over and describe the events that occurred like it's a history book. Though I felt that was enough, it wasn't. NT's need to know how you are feeling in order to understand why you are upset. I got into a conflict with a few people on a forum. In a fit of desperateness and in a terrible meltdown, I made a "simple" pm stating I feel overwhelmed, need to calm my nerves before I could fully read their message. I felt like the person was attacking me and I said that.

To my surprise it helped. The person seemed a bit more sympathetic. That's something I will have to keep in mind for future conflicts. There are likely limits, but I reached an epiphany that moment. Sometimes it helps to say something like, "I am upset right now. I feel like this is a personal attack." and not go into detail over why you may feel this way. Listing examples does not help.

When listing events and examples, NT's will read in their own emotions, because with some things that we may do by accident or with different intentions may not mean the same for them.
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Example: I do TMI a lot. I speak in public just about the same way I would privately. I feel with my life, nothing is really private. Therefore it's very painfully easy for me to slip too much stuff out in the open. My usual guideline was if I feel comfortable sharing...but I'm learning that isn't the same. I have to keep in mind whether the other people would feel comfortable reading it. It's theory of mind all over again. I'd have to imagine if I were someone else sharing this would I share it? Of course, because I assume everyone is like me. See...that's where I have a limitation to work around....

^ Yes. all very true.
And i have actually given up trying to change it now. I just stick to myself more than ever and feel pretty down and wounded by the world at present. Another low phase. it happens. It happens because i do not fit and cannot fit and am too tired to even bother trying. oh well.

Let me hazard a translation

NT: "How are things?"

Translations: 1. "How are you doing? I really want to know." 2. "I'm just following the social rule that says I should ask how you are. I don't really care"

NT: "what has been happening in your life of late?"

Translation: "Give me a brief summary of what you've been doing."

Your mistake in the second question was going into great detail. You don't have to be NT to not want to hear this.

As the first translations indicate, NTs can be very hard to read. I had a conversation that started off as:

NT: "How are you?"

Me: "OK"

NT: "Just OK?"

Now, what am I supposed to say here? "I'm overjoyed to see you, even though I have absolutely no recollection of you from high school." I can handle the ritual, but when someone departs from it, I am lost. I have no idea what cue I was to use to know that a longer answer was wanted. I'm not going lose any sleep over this one.

Similar case, when my junior high school had its last graduation:

Student reporter with a microphone: "How are you?"

Me: "Fine."

SR: "Fine? What am going to do with that?"

If he had asked me a specific question like "What do feel about this graduation?", I would have been able to provide a more specific answer.

I didn't use this ritual because it was so insincere. I was taught to use it by a girlfriend in whose culture this was more than an empty ritual.

When someone asks how I am, I often say "okay". People have often said "just okay?" And I say, "yeah, just okay". That usually ends the conversation. You could try that, if you want.

In the 2nd case, with your graduation, that was bizarre, as "fine" is the usual, texted response to that question. Don´t know what that person was looking for.

The examples make me chuckle this morning because there is this vast myriad of possibilities we have to sift through, whereas other people tend to just grasp it and cue in to the social mores and the flow.

If someone asks me how i am, I can just say "fine thank you."
the issue is this is exhausting,. I have o restrain myself or harness my mental energies so the details do not come spilling out. There is all this information in my brain, and there is the tendency to monologue and there is the mental meandering. it takes EFFORT AND INCREDIBLE RESTRAINT to be glib, smooth, crisp, succinct and naff!

I'm going to take a guess at the first one. When you answer "Just okay" depending on the mood, "Just Okay" could imply there are things going on that are keeping your day from being "fine".

Sounds to me that person was concerned about the "just okay" answer and was trying to see if there was anything bothering you that would make your day "just okay" In that case you may be able to say something short. It also depends on how you say it. If you say it with a low voice, it implies sadness. Anything that implies sadness may get a concerned person to ask what is wrong in hopes to cheer you up.


Other answers I've found to work: "Tired" Usually that gains a smile and a "Me too" from the other person. (Plus since I am almost always tired, it's a good honest answer without going into detail.)

"Fine" is the standard answer. As far as I can tell, means "my day is okay or good. Don't have time to explain it." or "I don't need to say anything further."

If you want to start a conversation, you could try giving an answer like ""Great!" (That may get someone to see what's making you happy. But if you speak it in a low tone, they may take it to the opposite, that your day isn't going well. You can also say terrible, and that may get a concerned person to ask another question about. it. You may give a short answer.


With the second one, if you answered "Excited", you probably would have gotten a good answer from the other person. They may say they are excited about the graduation too.

Answering back "nervous" would be another good answer. They may try to comfort you, but still it's an appropriate answer.

I hope those help.

@MJIthewriter:

I'm afraid you misread my post. I didn't say, "Just OK." I said, "OK", to which the NT replied "Just OK?" and flummoxed me.

@millie:

I suggest you use a script. Come up in advance a one or two sentence summary to answer, "What have you been doing?" If your interlocutor is interested, he will ask follow-up questions. The risk is that you will repeat yourself, for which you will need a recovery line such as, "I'm sorry about repeating myself. I just get so excited about this that I can't remember who I've told it to." Perhaps someone else can come up with a better line.

thanks ^.

Either that or I buy a t.shirt saying "broken record."

I actually often go into detail about what is right or wrong with my life if someone asked how I am. If I am feeling bad and say I am, they often turn away and not say anything else lol...

I like that one. I think I need one of those T-shirts too.

thanks, morgana.

I did read your post in a hurry. My appologies, I had a cab come right as I was about halfway typing my reply. I didn't have time to go over it before sending.
It's hard to say exactly what happened because I wasn't there, nor sure what happened before that question. It sounds like obviously the person expected something other than how you answered.

Also when you say "Okay" it could mean a couple things, either the answer, or saying you heard them. This is just another guess...at least I do it sometimes when interacting, if I feel something, sometimes like to know if other people feel the same way.
What context was the person in? Was it in a school, outside, work, somewhere else? It's hard to tell what they were feeling. They must have been feeling something else.
Also the word "Okay" doesn't really convey an emotion as much as a short sentence like "kind of bored. Nothing exciting." If you say the last one, likely you'll get a more friendly response, but once again context matters.

If it's something like a graduation, people expect you to either be nervous or excited, happy or sad. If you answer "sad" be prepared to answer why. You can answer about missing familiar teachers, the school, friends, etc...

This is all just a guess, but I believe there is truth to it. Maybe any NT's lurking can let me know if I am close or way off.

I have had this reaction to people, too. For instance, I have a SIL that is disliked by everyone in my family. Twice, I have been to her house, and she served food that I felt vaguely put off by. Both those times, she had been sulking about something, or arguing with one of my family members. Somehow, it seemed to permeate the food. I ate it once, and got a severe stomach ache after eating it. Now, I don't touch her cooking even though she gets hurt feelings. I felt as if her "vibes" got into the food.

One bit of interesting information is I've heard some sources say there's scientific evidence for non-verbal language being one of the major sources of intuition, even if most are not aware of it happening.