Is she spoiled or... ?

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Emmett, Thank you, i'm glad you're figuring stuff out for your son.

I think i read in another thread that you suspect you have AS as well? So do i and i know that can add an extra layer of difficulty when dealing with these things. Especially, if like me, you are sensitive to sound, the screaming is VERY hard to handle.

I've used breathing with her (deep breaths in through the nose and out through the mouth) for a while now and it is a huge help, she is very very good about doing it when i tell her to, i think i need to look closer at that to figure out more ways i can help her cope. If she is reeally really upset though, she can't do the breathing and we have to figure something else out to calm her down. I also often use the eye contact, make her look at me and then keep reminding her to look at me while we figure it out, she is not very good as far as eye contact, unless she is trying to figure something out in her mind about what you've done or said (or needs further explanation of something, you can almost see her brain working on the problem when she looks at you like that, it's not an everyday look IYKWIM) then she will stare into your eyes but otherwise she very rarely keeps eye contact and only for a second when she does, but if i insist, it does help us to figure something out, i will often let her stare off in another direction though, but the eye contact is important at the beginning to get her focus on me.

Pikkul, thank you so much i really appreciate your excellent advice and input. It is a lot but it is SUCH valuable information and insight for someone like me who is struggling with understanding all of this and has so many questions and doubts. As someone else mentioned, society has a way of blaming mothers for things like this, and it leaves us needing advice like what you've given. I really appreciate it, you have no idea. I hear a lot of similar stuff from my sister (who like you has worked a lot with children, currently runs a daycare and has a degree in early childhood education) and my mum who is a fountain of practical knowledge when it comes to kids, but it makes all the difference when it is coming from a stranger who you know has no bias and no emotional attachment to your child.

About predicting and checking that she has everything she needs etc. i have been doing that for a while and it has made a huge difference as far as preparing her for whatever the situation will be and offering her coping tools BEFORE whatever it is happens. For example, i'll talk with her about a Dr's appointment and what exactly is going to happen there a day or 2 before we go so that she knows everything that is going to happen. Dr's appointment have been a major difficulty with her all her life, the Dr's said several times before age 1 that they expected her to not be afraid the next time she came. Well, we had her 4 year check up yesterday and it was the easiest appt yet but she refused to let them look in her ears or mouth, the only reason there was no meltdown like every other time (even standing ont he scales used to cause a meltdown) was because i had the forethought to prepare her for it a couple of days ahead of time and explain exactly what was going to happen. Explaining it AT the time, does no good at all. I also decided that if the Dr's wanted to give any shots or blood tests or anything i would tell them i wanted to postpone it to another day so that i can prepare her for it.

At the moment, she is extremely worried about turning 5 (she just turned 4 on the 10th) because she is afraid her teeth will fall out and it scares her, she has been very worried about this for at least 6 months now, so i'm glad it was mentioned in passing when it was so i can take this couple of years (lol) to prepare her and hopefully make her excited about it.

I am definitely over explanatory! I was telling my husband yesterday after the Dr's appointment that i KNOW the Dr's are judging me wrongly and thinking i'm "one of those" mothers because of 1) How much i talk to her an explain things to her 2) Because i've insisted on the referral for the AS evaluation, i've spoken to them on several occasions and told them everything and much more that i've talked about here, and they don't see any need for an eval, i've insisted though and i know they think i'm "one of those" 3) She's been reading since age 3.5 and because of the way i explain things to her etc. and the fact i've taught her parts of her anatomy that most 4 year olds dont know (i.e. Bladder and Urethra, it's helped us with potty training for her to know those words and the different places they are so she can tell me what's going on better) they think i've probably pushed her with the reading and writing, when she actually taught herself with very very little input from me. It didn't help their perceptions that madam had chosen to wear all pink and i was also wearing a fair bit of pink yesterday by pure coincidence (as well as her wearing a headscarf like i wear, because she wanted to) Anyway, sorry bit of a tangent there.

I do the checking with her to make sure she has got everything she needs, occasionally we will miss something and not realize it until the light is off and i've left, then there will be a melt down (needless to say, i don't forget that particular thing again after that) I ask her a lot of questions but I will definitely start asking more questions like the ones you suggested, i think it will help, thanks.

Thanks for the explanation about sharing, that helps a lot to look at it that way. I know she has very very set rules for what is hers and shouldn't be touched. She is VERY good about bringing her brother something else to play with (although often forgets and skips to the meltdown first or while bringing him something) but he is fast outgrowing that and often wants the one that he's playing with and so will have a tanty of his own when she takes it off him and he doesn't want the alternative she's brought him (admittedly, it is sometimes a pretty lame trade, like his water sippy LOL) It makes for interesting refereeing and i try to help redirect him so that she can have her beloved whatever it happens to be at the time while explaining to her that he doesn't play with things for long and she'll have it back soon. It can be tough because i am fairly good at keeping up with what is HERS at that point in time, but it changes and so it's not always possible to know which things she is currently attached to.

Affirming her feelings is definitely something i need to work on more, it can be hard when ones nerves are frazzled from the day, but it is important and so i appreciate the reminder. She loves nothing more than me being proud of her and understanding her so i am aware of telling her when i am proud of her, and telling her how she can make me proud (this helps with behavior that is more "normal" 4 year old stuff, i don't use this with the other stuff because i know her level of control over that is much much less, if any)

Thank you again.