Rejecting people unintentionally?

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Hi,

Do you reject people when they smile at you, want to be friends or hang out, want to ask you on a date, give you a hug, kiss, or etc.? You are afraid to do something wrong, so you don't do anything.

I think I do it because I don't know if the person likes me, is being friendly, what they actually want to do (because they never tell you, they think you can read their mind).

i very rarely (if ever) get asked out on a date, asked to hang out, hugged & kissed etc.. i very much doubt i would reject it in my current state of mind.

When I was little I could never figure out if someone wanted to play with me or not..... This included kids that wanted to be nice and play "with" me... not just laugh at me!!

When I was in middle school I could never tell if someone wanted to be friends or if they were just being polite. I didn't know if a boy was "popular" or just another "nerd" or one of the many "sheep" in the heard (so to speak), so I would just write notes to any boy that I thought was cute hoping he would like me back..... bad idea, by the way. Girls were really no different. I could never tell if someone was being nice and it was a good idea to ask them to come over to your house because you were getting along well or if someone was being nice because they didn't want to be rude. So.... I would ask all sorts of people if they wanted to "do stuff" (whatever happened to be on my mind, I guess) and they would reject about 95% of the time.

When I was in highschool, I was so wounded from having such a poor perception of how girls and boys ended up "liking" each other that I was terrified by the idea of having a boyfriend. I had been made fun of by so many girls that I was terrified to try and be friends with too many people that I didn't already know. I was also terrified about getting dressed for school. When I was in middle school I used to dress a little "weird" because I didn't realize that everyone wasn't just getting dressed in cloths that they liked... they were all making some sort of statement..... WENT RIGHT OVER MY HEAD!! ! CLUELESS!! ! By the time I was in highschool I was a fashion SLAVE! I studied girls and their cloths and how they interacted with each other. I did it so much that I would get my butt kicked (literally a few times) for staring at people!! I hated school..... I used to spent a lot of time in the clinic with a headache and trying to dream up reasons NOT to go to school.

When I graduated from highschool..... everyone is sort of "saying goodbye" because they are going to go to college and they may never see you again. I had about six different boys that had been in the category of "people who were always nice to me for some reason that I don't really understand" approach me and say things like "it's too bad that you would never go out with me" or "I wish that we could have gone out".... stuff like that. W-E-I-R-D!! !! It was like they all knew something that I didn't. A couple of them were even cute guys that I had secretly had HUGE crushes on, too. Can you say "MORON"??? Why I couldn't pick up on any of that.... I have NO CLUE! I guess I do now, but then.... I had no friggin' clue!! !

I finally ended up meeting my husband via the internet. That took some of the guess work out of it because we had both marked the box that said "looking for a long term relationship". There was no confusion there!

So.... to answer your question..... "YES"! !! Aparently I do this all the time and have been doing so for most of my life. My adaptation/coping skill/whatever...... I smile all the time and make jokes and try to be generally pleasant (even if I don't feel like being that way) and then I wait and see who talks to me again in the future. I keep a mental note of it all and then I apply what I know of that person to the definition of "friend" that was given to me by my therapist. It the person begins to fit the description of "friend".... then I might call them to go and do something with me some time. Works out okay for friends, but not so much for dating...... I highly recommend the internet for that!! !

I would also like to comment that I tend to mess up about as many friendships as I manage to create because I don't need that much interaction. Once I have identified people that meet the "friendship" test, they have to then pass the "low maintenance" test to truly be considered a friend. As a result..... it has taken me YEARS to realize just exactly who my real friends are. There are three of them..... they all know that I suck at keeping in touch and that I take absolutely no offence to them being equally "sucky" at the friendship maintenance stuff. These are the people who have ended up being my friends..... incidentally.... they are also some of the very FEW people who actually like to listen to me praddle on about my interests!! !

Nah, not because I'm afraid. Though I am often unsure of what to do, but I'm not afraid.

But I do unintentionally reject people when asking me out.

E.g.

my crush asks:

"So, do you have any plans for the weekend?" (subtle hint that actually means: I'd like to hang out with you, are you free this weekend?)

Me:
"uHHMMmmm *think think*, no not really, perhaps I'll go knit a sweater or go stroll around town" (seeing that I have nothing better to do at that time)

crush, in a very disappointed manner:
Oh....

....

....


....

Me (slowly starting to catch on, but too late already):
Why?

Crush:

No... nothing..

....




Though these days I'll try to remember to respond something like:

"Oh, nothing, why do you ask?"

And I get back:

Well, I'm free too and.... [insert suggestion for going somewhere]

Well, the only one of those that happens to me is that they'll smile or say "hi/hey". Usually it catches me by surprise, and I freeze since I really wasn't expecting it.
It's happened to me a couple times in the past few weeks, actually. The other day this girl in my math class said "hey" and I just kind of briefly smiled and gave a quick nod.
Then a couple weeks ago on the street, some random girl on the street said "hi, what's up?" and I just briefly looked at her in confusion and kept walking.

and college as well. I was told by people that certain guys liked me, I never actually knew it myself except twice. This poor guy in college was so hurt when I suddenly stopped talking to him and actively avoiding him. I'll never forget two things about that experience. The first was his unbelievably hurt expression the day he figured out that I was rejecting him. The second thing was my shock that he cared so much. I honestly never understood that he LIKED me. I got that he was trying to ask me out but the concept of what that meant, that he had feelings for me, never sunk in.

The second time was with a guy that was sending me signals so obvious that even I got them. But I was at a loss as to what I should do. That's always been the problem. My concept was always that if someone asked me out, they must expect me to be normal, whatever that is, and I knew I couldn't measure up. It took me a long time to realize that these guys already knew I wasn't normal, and that's exactly why they sought me out.

When I was little I could never figure out if someone wanted to play with me or not..... This included kids that wanted to be nice and play "with" me... not just laugh at me!!

When I was in middle school I could never tell if someone wanted to be friends or if they were just being polite. I didn't know if a boy was "popular" or just another "nerd" or one of the many "sheep" in the heard (so to speak), so I would just write notes to any boy that I thought was cute hoping he would like me back..... bad idea, by the way. Girls were really no different. I could never tell if someone was being nice and it was a good idea to ask them to come over to your house because you were getting along well or if someone was being nice because they didn't want to be rude. So.... I would ask all sorts of people if they wanted to "do stuff" (whatever happened to be on my mind, I guess) and they would reject about 95% of the time.

When I was in highschool, I was so wounded from having such a poor perception of how girls and boys ended up "liking" each other that I was terrified by the idea of having a boyfriend. I had been made fun of by so many girls that I was terrified to try and be friends with too many people that I didn't already know. I was also terrified about getting dressed for school. When I was in middle school I used to dress a little "weird" because I didn't realize that everyone wasn't just getting dressed in cloths that they liked... they were all making some sort of statement..... WENT RIGHT OVER MY HEAD!! ! CLUELESS!! ! By the time I was in highschool I was a fashion SLAVE! I studied girls and their cloths and how they interacted with each other. I did it so much that I would get my butt kicked (literally a few times) for staring at people!! I hated school..... I used to spent a lot of time in the clinic with a headache and trying to dream up reasons NOT to go to school.

When I graduated from highschool..... everyone is sort of "saying goodbye" because they are going to go to college and they may never see you again. I had about six different boys that had been in the category of "people who were always nice to me for some reason that I don't really understand" approach me and say things like "it's too bad that you would never go out with me" or "I wish that we could have gone out".... stuff like that. W-E-I-R-D!! !! It was like they all knew something that I didn't. A couple of them were even cute guys that I had secretly had HUGE crushes on, too. Can you say "MORON"??? Why I couldn't pick up on any of that.... I have NO CLUE! I guess I do now, but then.... I had no friggin' clue!! !

I finally ended up meeting my husband via the internet. That took some of the guess work out of it because we had both marked the box that said "looking for a long term relationship". There was no confusion there!

So.... to answer your question..... "YES"! !! Aparently I do this all the time and have been doing so for most of my life. My adaptation/coping skill/whatever...... I smile all the time and make jokes and try to be generally pleasant (even if I don't feel like being that way) and then I wait and see who talks to me again in the future. I keep a mental note of it all and then I apply what I know of that person to the definition of "friend" that was given to me by my therapist. It the person begins to fit the description of "friend".... then I might call them to go and do something with me some time. Works out okay for friends, but not so much for dating...... I highly recommend the internet for that!! !

I would also like to comment that I tend to mess up about as many friendships as I manage to create because I don't need that much interaction. Once I have identified people that meet the "friendship" test, they have to then pass the "low maintenance" test to truly be considered a friend. As a result..... it has taken me YEARS to realize just exactly who my real friends are. There are three of them..... they all know that I suck at keeping in touch and that I take absolutely no offence to them being equally "sucky" at the friendship maintenance stuff. These are the people who have ended up being my friends..... incidentally.... they are also some of the very FEW people who actually like to listen to me praddle on about my interests!! !

I've always rejected because the opportunities are so rare that I'm not ready for them. If people ask me to hang with them which is almost never, I don't know if they are just joking or mean it. If they mean it, I usually tell them I can't do those kind of social events because they make me feel uncomfortable.

I wouldn't say I "reject", it's just that I don't know how to look like I care so I never take any action. I never "go the extra mile". I must seem pretty uninterested in anything to the outside world, I guess people just don't realise that my attempts to reach out to them are just that. I don't know how to show them that I "accept".

I guess it's the weird body language thingy

I can relate to pretty much every post in this thread.

It's so ironic, these days, looking back at my last years of school and wondering how many guys actually liked me that I didn't know of. I say this, because in year 11 I didn't think a single guy was interested in me (didn't really mind either, to be honest), then a year later a friend told me that heaps of guys in the grade thought I was really attractive. Which came as a total shock (and she couldn't believe that I hadn't picked up on it).

Up until now really, I never could tell the difference between "fake" friends and "real" friends, like whipstitches I was rejected a lot - and several times put in the interesting position where someone I actually considered my "best friend" would suddenly turn around and say they hated me, or they wanted me to "stop following them around". (in these cases, the "best friend" was actually a fake friend - and I believe in many of the cases someone who faked being friendly just so they could make a mockery out of me, then laugh about it with their real friends behind my back).

These days I've made sure I can read all this stuff, haven't been surprised in a long time now, but I'm also a lot more hardened and jaded than I used to be; I know, given the choice, I'd almost prefer not to know if I didn't understand how that could backfire most painfully.

I don't reject - up to a point. It's like I let people get close to me up to a certain depth; then they hit the concrete wall (I erected when I decided I was sick of getting hurt) they have no chance of getting past. Friendship only.

I can relate to the problem with being able to react on the fly if...say..I'm in my own zone and a girl walks by and smiles at me. Usually it takes a while for me to be able to warm up to people or I at least have to have a small-talk angle available before I even want to interact with people much. Mainly its that yes - the NT social structure, norms, demands, we do everything we can just out of respect to meet what's required of us but we also have times, like passing moments or fleeting impressions where there's no way we can calculate the difference in our heads - its too much too quick and we show our aspie/autistic colors in our nonverbal communication or lack of eye contact (the later happens because we're familiar with the concept that its more dignified to be seen as a bit cold but to stay in control of the situation - like a good adult - rather than try to react when you realize there's a 60% chance that your facial expressions won't be able work right on that instant moment of requested recall).

On the other hand though, when I do see people reaching out and trying to be friendly - I do everything I can to respect their attempt, if their not my kind of person and I'm not theirs we realize it at the end of the conversations. Quite often though, if I'm at a social outing and an NT walks up to talk to me or wants to talk to me, I was probably thinking about going over and talking to them about the same time - seems like being able to size people up on similarities gets a lot better as you progress through your 20's and as other people around you also grow up.