Having a bad day, or a bad existence, even

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Manalone
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22 May 2009, 8:14 am

I want to die. No, I just want to be dead. Wiped from existence. Gone. As if I never was. No one wants me or loves me, or even much likes me. No one ever has, and I’m certain now that no one ever will. I’m tired of being always alone. I’m tired of being cold and empty.

I’ve always like stories. In a story I’d find someone (or someone would find me). A girl who’d restore my faith in life and love. Who’d make me want to live. Who’d see beyond the face I put on for the world and the shackles the world’s put on me and find something worth loving. I wish I had someone to care for. Someone who’d also care about me. Someone to talk to. Someone who’d smile when she thought of me, or smile when she caught sight of me because she’s genuinely happy to see me. Someone to touch and hold and kiss. A bit of warmth. Contact.

But this isn’t a story, or if it is, I’m just an extra with no part in it. Just a faceless no one with no backstory, no one to miss him. My life is pain. All I feel is pain and fear and guilt (even though I’ve done nothing wrong and am always trying my best, I don’t feel good enough) and anger and weakness and inadequacy or if I’m lucky; numb. I hide it. No one will like me if they know how I feel. Ha, no one likes me anyway, but I guess if I work hard to fake it, at least they don’t loathe and avoid me. I can sometimes pretend I’m normal. That I fit it. That I’m one of them, who could be loved by one of them.

It made me smile (stupidly grin, even) for a few days last week when I thought a pretty, clever, vivacious girl might like me. It was nice. So nice. Can’t remember the last time I smiled so much. Stupid me. Of course she doesn’t. Couldn’t. No one else ever has. It was nice to smile when I thought of her though, and to think she might feel the same. To think I might have made her smile too. Could make her smile. Was it worth it, now that it’s gone? Probably not. The pain, stupidity and loss I feel now far outweigh the little bit of happiness it gave me.

I’m not afraid of death anymore. Haven’t been for a long, long time. I am afraid of the pain death might entail. I’m broken now, if ever I was whole to begin with. Just let it end. f**k emotion. It’s not fair that I feel the pain but none of the joy. Don’t want to take this anymore. Can’t bear to take this anymore. If only I could wish myself dead, will my heart to stop beating. I’ve often hoped, when I went to sleep, that I’d just die. Not have to wake up again. Just slip quietly away. Safe from pain and fear and guilt and longing forever. I can’t do it though, I can’t self terminate. Guess it’s just more weakness, more fear of pain and failure that stays my hand. And so I must live this pale half life of mine and hope that it kills me as quickly as possible. It’s the best outcome I can realistically hope for anymore. The only mercy left.



This is not a cry for help. It’s not even a whisper for assistance, and I certainly don’t want anyone’s pity. I just had to say it to someone, even if it is the electronic ether of the internet. It’s just a statement of how I feel, because I can’t tell anyone, and I can never act on it. I’m a creature of duty and loyalty even though it brings me nothing.



i_wanna_blue
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22 May 2009, 8:37 am

Wow that was really deep and in some ways it spoke of my life. I know how you feel, believe me, I'm not just saying that. It can be tough, feeling all alone and empty. I wish I knew how to get rid of the pain, but I don't. You certainly write very well, and seeing that you enjoy stories why don't you focus your attention on that? Sometimes focusing on ones inabilities makes it difficult for one to see beyond them. Write some stories and be involved with things you are good at and enjoy.



DemonAbyss10
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22 May 2009, 8:52 am

how to word this right... without being a dick about it, thats whats gonna be difficult... as well as not making it offensive, but me and my aspyness wants to post it... ehh, ill post a variation...

Nice way to get into these forums via your first and only post so far, nice impression you have made.

Life is just multiple stories weaving together chaotically. Not all stories are happy either, so according to you, and this is what i gather from your viewpoint, you either must kill yourself, or suffer eternally on this ball of s**t we call earth?

Lets see how ill say this... If you kill yourself, your never going to have a "chance" ever again, but if you do kill yourself, please make it entertaining, perhaps getting on tv via it, or on the darwin awards, namely because no one should kill themselves because they cant get any.

Now if you dont kill yourself, and even for myself, being this optimistic sickens me; you may just have another chance, maybe more, that if you dont f**k things up, it wont explode in your face. As to why it did the last time however, im guessing you got hyped, got your hopes up because some people are prone to that. Never get your hopes up because if you do fail, instead of it being a minor dissapointment, we get posts like you have.


AND YES I CAN RELATE TO YOUR EXPERIENCE: I used to be the same way, its just now, i just stopped caring about the "failures".


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billsmithglendale
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22 May 2009, 10:48 am

Manalone, before you die (which you said you're not afraid of anyways), at least get out there and get some adventure out of your life. There's more to life than pining over some chick and doing the same routine day after day. You'd be amazed how much freedom you have as a privileged member of a first world country. You can pretty much do anything you want.

Start thinking outside the box, and start meeting a lot more people, even if they don't end up being your friends. Start doing those hobbies you always fantasized about but never did. Have a sexual fantasy or repressed sexual identity? Go jump on Craigs List (and be careful and safe).

I promise you pretty much anything is better than what you are living right now, judging by your post.

Tough love time -- Stop being a p*ssy and go get what you want out of life. It's not going to come to your doorstep.



gwenevyn
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22 May 2009, 12:24 pm

Your post strongly reminds me of the way my partner used to write, a few months before we got together.

So, you see, I have a hard time believing that nobody likes you. :)


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ZakFiend
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22 May 2009, 3:38 pm

Manalone wrote:
This is not a cry for help. It’s not even a whisper for assistance, and I certainly don’t want anyone’s pity. I just had to say it to someone, even if it is the electronic ether of the internet. It’s just a statement of how I feel, because I can’t tell anyone, and I can never act on it. I’m a creature of duty and loyalty even though it brings me nothing.


Well you are the one in control of your own life. I've been where you are, and the fact is you believe you are worthless and of no value to anyone because you can't get over your own inner psychological bs and fear of other people you are the one keeping yourself there. You haven't tried really either, there are plenty of resources on the net now that leaves you without any excuse why you social and love life are awful. Go and read this book, you're not alone:

The game by neil strauss



billsmithglendale
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22 May 2009, 4:44 pm

ZakFiend wrote:
Manalone wrote:
This is not a cry for help. It’s not even a whisper for assistance, and I certainly don’t want anyone’s pity. I just had to say it to someone, even if it is the electronic ether of the internet. It’s just a statement of how I feel, because I can’t tell anyone, and I can never act on it. I’m a creature of duty and loyalty even though it brings me nothing.


Well you are the one in control of your own life. I've been where you are, and the fact is you believe you are worthless and of no value to anyone because you can't get over your own inner psychological bs and fear of other people you are the one keeping yourself there. You haven't tried really either, there are plenty of resources on the net now that leaves you without any excuse why you social and love life are awful. Go and read this book, you're not alone:

The game by neil strauss


The Game might be a bit advanced and nihilistic for his mindset -- I would recommend anything by Anthony Roberts or Napoleon Hill first.