My gender identity is somewhat negotiable. I was assigned female at birth and didn’t really assert otherwise until recently, but internally I’ve always felt pretty genderless 90% of the time. Though being agender/non-binary wasn’t a term I was introduced to until a few years ago. I just thought I was doomed to be a freakish girl who didn’t feel much like a girl. Or a boy. I definitely had phases of playing with my gender presentation before I even realized that’s what I was doing. (Trying to look more boyish, or mixing elements of masculinity and femininity in to how I dressed i.e. an army jacket over a sundress and keeping my hair very short, for convenience and appearance.) It was always just what felt natural to me.

A lot of what I’ve read about how autism presents itself differently in girls mention that many girls with autism are tomboyish, or feel detached from gender or being exclusively girly. Learning this, as well as pretty much everything else that you talked about, has helped me begin to figure out a lot about myself, including gender identity.

I found that, with older individuals, I could get the intellectual stimulation and challenge I needed, but also that these were women who were older, more comfortable with themselves, didn’t need my validation or doting like most of my female age-peers did, and were therefore comfortable with letting me be me and better, were impressed by me. Most importantly, they noticed when I was lost in a social situation, and would kindly point out to me that, no, so-and-so wasn’t being serious, and yes, while so-and-so was logically incorrect, smiling and nodding is more socially acceptable than pointing out their error. These more “charismatic” types could glide effortlessly through social events while I tagged along. I was introduced to people I wouldn’t have ever thought to speak to, and taken to events I probably wouldn’t have gone to if let on my own, and it lead to decent connections being made.

I was fortunate enough to be taught the “basics,” having grown up in an academic, wealthier family. I learned it was proper to shake someone’s hand with a firm grip and look them in the eye, if only briefly. I could wax elegant if I needed to, but as soon as other people started conversing I’d glaze over.

Honestly, if I hadn’t been for the “mother hens” I’d still be holed-up, playing video games and reading for hours, wearing sweatpants and t-shirts and unkempt hair everywhere, and likely very lonely.