My mother left the parenting up to other people — she was a full-time mother when she was younger with my other siblings, but she said she was too tired to deal with me. She prefered work that she got paid for. I was raised by public and private schools, daycares, and sent to extended family (of no genetic relation) over the summers. She had several boyfriends; one became a good father figure for me.

He is responsible for the little self-esteem I developed. He was the only person who didn’t act like I was a burden. He taught me things one-on-one and told me to develop my mind. He said, “use your head”. He taught me problem solving is like conducting an experiment. Sometimes you get a good answer, but many times you don’t — just try again.

I have problems letting people in my personal life because I know they are not going to like me — people only like you if you have charisma. They may pretend to like me for a while, but eventually the truth comes out they were just being nice. It isn’t actually being nice to pretend to like someone — especially if it is an extended period of time. Once I know this, I can’t allow the pretending continue. I was made aware I am considered a burden on someone’s day, so there is nothing worth more to me than to never be anyone’s burden again.

I keep seeking ways to stay out of people’s way, but to also seek to build a profitable career. I didn’t develop a liking for anyone’s company. That one man in my life when I was a child (8-13) was the only person I have ever liked hanging out with — but, this might be because he taught me many things. My real love in life is learning. I have never met anyone as patient as he was, nor do I seek to do so. I am an adult, with a strong independent personality. I have secret self-esteem, because it was gifted to me by him.

If others were to suddenly express a true liking for me, and seek my talents, I don’t think I would know how to handle it. I might be stuck living like a junk-man the rest of my life, because I don’t know how to let others be in my positive world — because they were the creators of my negative world.

I’m female, so the term junk-man is generic for someone who uses discarded materials as tools to keep busy.