The following article is written by Cindy Ariel (PhD), author of Loving Someone with Asperger’s Syndrome.

I wrote Loving Someone with Asperger’s Syndrome for several compelling reasons. Over the years I’ve had the opportunity to work with many people with AS and their partners either as individuals or couples and I have seen the struggles from both sides.

As I looked around for guidance, in the form of books and/or research to help me to help them, I found a serious dearth of information focused on these couples. Much of the writing seems almost to take one side or the other as if we are talking about two different teams or sometimes even enemies rather than two people who love each other and are trying everything they can to connect, yet coming up short.

Read about Loving Someone with Asperger’s Syndrome

I try to come at these relationships with a balanced view, looking at responsibility on both sides and suggesting understanding toward and compromise from both partners. It can be very difficult to understand the roles and responsibilities of both partners when it often appears that only one is to blame. Taking a serious hard look at ourselves in relation to another can be exceedingly difficult, but I attempt to help couples gain balance and move closer to each other in this regard.

While it’s true that having Asperger’s syndrome versus not having it result in two people with different ways of thinking and even of being, we do not have to be at such intense odds with each other. Both partners in any couple need to feel heard and both need to listen to the other with an open heart, if not an open mind.

If we listen to each other with our hearts, and use our heads to make important decisions we should be able to come up with a loving relationship that feels mutually satisfying and leads to a happy union. Loving Someone with Asperger’s Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with Your Partner was written to help partners in which one person has AS and one doesn’t along their journey to a fulfilling life together.

You can order Loving Someone with Asperger’s Syndrome on Amazon.

The post Loving Someone with Asperger’s Syndrome appeared first on Wrong Planet.

The following post is written by our female aspie blogger Kirsten Lindsmith:

It’s that time again, folks! Another rambling blog post! Today’s topic will be one I see discussed quite often on WP: dating. I want to begin by stating that no, I am not Alex’s “new girlfriend”—and is that a question that would ever be asked of a male blogger?—I am just a person. I’m writing this blog because I work with Alex, and I like writing. I’ve also been told that I give good advice, though I don’t know if this is true of if people are just being polite. Anyway, onwards to the topic we all know and love…

As I a child I just assumed relationships were something that just happened. As I got older and was enticed with fantasies of entering the dating scene, I discovered a seemingly essential piece to the puzzle that I had absolutely no idea how to master: flirting. Brainwashed by childhood that “liking” someone was a teasable offense, I was incredibly uncomfortable with the idea of making any sort of moves on my targets. This is an area where girls have the advantage over guys. I had no idea how to flirt or show interest, so I was often overlooked. it finally came down to it, I wasn’t expected to make a chase. In the end, all I really had to do was wait.

When I was finally asked out at the age 15 (by fellow socially awkward nerd who I had a thing for) I had no idea how to react. After an uncomfortably long silence, I think I said something along the lines of, “I don’t know, I’m really busy, I don’t know if I have time. I’ll get back to you.” I eventually got back to him via the classic aspie socialization assistant, AOL Instant Messenger. We went on exactly one date. We met for lunch at a local ice cream parlor and ordered sandwiches. I had brought a book (always prepared!) and we read it together, our thighs touching. All the while my anxiety was mounting: “oh no, these people know we like each other.” Ridiculous. Though we “dated” for about five months, we never went out on a one-on-one date again. And all the while, he had to ask permission to hug me, and some times I didn’t let him. Looking back on it, I’m surprised that I was the one to break up with him. He was quite the trooper, to deal with my issues.

My next “serious” boyfriend was totally out of left field. He was like an alien to me. He was charismatic and popular; everyone knew his name. He was famous purely because he was so nice, and he was a friend to everyone and anyone. We met because he had to stay back a year after spending a semester in Kenya teaching English (yes, really), and a friend decided to play matchmaker, over AIM no less. He was everything I am not. I learned so much in that year simply from being around him. We would talk to homeless people sitting on the sidewalk outside Subway, and learn their life stories. We hung out with the local schizophrenic while he cleaned the streets to make the town clean enough to entice celebrities to visit. Wherever we would go, people would recognize him, and I was forced into a world of interaction.

He noticed my difficulties, and in a valiant effort, attempted to fix them. I learned that the proper response to, “How are you?” isn’t just, “Good,” it’s, “Good, how are you?”—or some variation. I learned to monitor my facial expression, and posture. I’d never even noticed that I spoke with a monotone until he pointed out that I needed to use “inflection,” whatever that was. I morphed from an autistic anime nerd into a normal girl. The only problem was, I felt like I was broken. This was pre-diagnosis, and I knew nothing about autism, and I only knew that we would have disastrous arguments because I couldn’t analyze my own emotions and opinions. In the end, all the struggles are what taught my to express myself.

I’m incredibly grateful to what I learned from Mr. Perfect-Neurotypical, even if our relationship didn’t work out in the end. I learned to present myself to the world, which was something I had no idea about before. I didn’t have to flirt, but I did have to grow out my hair and stop wearing rainbows after I learned all the boys thought I was a lesbian. Women are expected to be the bait, the object that gets picked up. Over the years I’ve improved my grooming abilities, and I think I look pretty normal these days. I still don’t have the sexy posture, or the come-hither eyes, but that’s not really my thing. My current boyfriend is the other co-host on Autism Talk TV, Jack. We met in a sort of complicated way. We went to the same high school, but by the time we met, I was a senior and he had already dropped out. He was a friend of my charismatic boyfriend (who wasn’t?), and we hung out often. I knew he had “Asperger’s”, but I had no idea what that really meant. He seemed perfectly normal, and by that I mean just like me. We had all the same interests, we shared a sort of odd (autistic?) sense of humor, and we even had many of the same quirks and oddities, like facial expressions. We could ramble on and on to the other about special interests like science or politics. When my ex and I had our falling out, things sort of clicked, as silly as that sounds. At the time I felt I’d found my soul mate. I know now that our astounding similarities are due in part to the fact that we both have autism. But I still don’t regret my decision.

It’s not quite right to say that dating has always come easily to me, but I certainly haven’t had to face the hardships that many others on the spectrum encounter. I think this was due to the fact that I was always able to maintain a stable group of friends, some of whom were male. I would make a friend, and if we were both attracted to each other, we would eventually wind up dating somehow. Again, I don’t deny that this is a place where female aspies have an advantage. In our culture, males are supposed to take the position of hunter. If you’re a socially awkward male who’s shy talking to girls, it’s far less likely that the girl will choose to ask you out, saving you the trouble. Despite my awkwardness, I was always the recipient of propositions, meaning that I didn’t have to learn “game” or anything. I wish girls felt more comfortable asking guys out. Most girls I talk to worry that it’s too forward, and the guy won’t like it. But my male friends say it would be heaven if girls asked them out instead of them having to make the first move. Such is the perplexing position gender roles put us in.

I spent my high school years giving dating advice to my more socially successful friends, and I’ve built up a good mental database of dating knowledge. I don’t use it myself, and I’m not sure if I ever want to (being picked up in a bar isn’t really my thing). Though I think the most universal piece of advice I can give is to just be yourself. I know that sounds cliché, but if you try to act like someone you’re not, you’re never going to be able to have a decent relationship. That doesn’t mean do whatever you want, just don’t pretend to like some stupid band if you don’t, or wear your hair some crazy way because you think it’ll help you “get girls.” If a person doesn’t like you when you act naturally, they’re not someone you want to date anyway.

My friends and associates have always been people who like listening to rambling stories about surgery, or the spread of some horrific disease. They’re people who share my interests and passions, and I expect the same from my mate.

The post What’s Love Got to Do with It? A Girl’s Perspective on Relationships and Autism! appeared first on Wrong Planet.

If You Could Say it in Words is a great new film about an autistic protagonist Nelson and his experience with love. The film is premiering at the Derby City Film Festival on October 8, 2008 at 9:00 PM. I wrote about my initial impressions of the movie and conducted an interview in February. You will also find clips from the movie in my previous article.

The film explores Nelson’s Asperger’s Syndrome without mentioning the diagnosis. The choice is intentional because many individuals with Asperger’s remain undiagnosed. A recent documentary, Billy the Kid, similarly did not mention the protagonist’s Asperger diagnosis, but If You Could Say it in Words is the first narrative feature film I’ve come across that explores Autism in such depth without hitting the audience over the head over and over again with the fact that it’s about autism. Additionally, the film appeals to an audience greater than the autistic community because the questions it raises about love apply to autistics and neurotpyicals alike.

Alvin’s performance as Nelson is quite possibly the most authentic portrayal of an autistic person that I’ve ever seen in the movies. Unlike the usual stereotypically overblown representation of autism so common in the media, Nelson’s character more closely resembles someone you could know in real life. Nelson doesn’t count cards at the casino and faces the same realationship problems that many of us have had. And it’s quite likely that at least a couple people you know do have an undiagnosed case of autism. Autism occurs in 1 in 150 people and many more go undiagnosed. Despite what you may gather from the media, the stereotypical image of a child who cannot talk is an extreme and, like Nelson, many autistic individuals go through life without ever discovering that they are autistic.

It’s refreshing to finally see a film that explores an autistic individual who isn’t two dimensional. You’ll find you have more similarities with Nelson than differences. And that’s the way you should feel about a movie’s protagonist because the best movies are the ones with which we can all relate.

Deliberate audio and visual choices emphasize the disconnect between Nelson and everyone else. The disorientating atmosphere created at times by the film in reference to Nelson reminds me of what it’s like to get a sensory overload. Thus, If You Could Say it in Words proves that it is possible to make a movie about an autistic person without stereotypically relying on the character melting down every other scene.

I plan on attending the premiere in October and suggest you do the same. The director, Nicholas Gray has become an ally to the autistic community since he began working on this film.

For more information, here’s the press release:

World Premiere of “If You Could Say It In Words” at Derby City Film Festival; Will Open Festival as First Feature Film

WHAT: World Premiere of “If You Could Say It In Words” at the Derby City Film Festival

WHO:  Writer/director and Louisville native Nicholas Gray
Actor Alvin Keith (Broadway and regional theater veteran), Marin Ireland (Obie-award winner, major roles in upcoming films The Understudy, Brief Interviews with Hideous Men)
Co-producers Katharine Clark Gray and Adam Eisenstein

WHEN:  October 8, 2008 at 9:00 PM
 
WHERE:  Louisville Memorial Auditorium
                970 South Fourth Street
                Louisville, KY 40203
 
CONTACT: Adam Eisenstein, 646-221-2254

LOUISVILLE, [date of release] – If You Could Say It In Words, a film written and directed by Louisville native Nicholas Gray, will have its world premiere on October 8 at 9:00 p.m. on the opening night of the Derby City Film Festival at the Louisville Memorial Auditorium.

If You Could Say It In Words is a nuanced, uncompromising look at a romance in which a painter with undiagnosed Asperger’s Syndrome challenges a young woman’s conventional ideas and his own understanding of love.

Nelson (Alvin Keith) has Asperger’s syndrome, a condition that impairs social function.  Undiagnosed, poor, African-American, and a painter, he is pushed to society’s fringes.  He meets Sadie (Marin Ireland), a young woman with broken dreams who now treads water at a job that’s not her career, has a roommate who’s not her friend, and sleeps with her married boss, Mark (Gerry Lehane). A one-night stand grows into an unlikely romance wherein two people lost in different ways begin to find themselves through each other. But the conventional expectations imposed by others — and by Sadie — put their relationship in jeopardy.
 
Alex Plank, founder of autism advocacy website WrongPlanet.net, says “Alvin [Keith]‘s performance as Nelson is quite possibly the most authentic portrayal of an autistic person that I’ve ever seen in the movies…It’s refreshing to finally see a film that explores an autistic individual who isn’t two dimensional.”

If You Could Say It In Words is the first feature film produced by A Chip & A Chair Films LLC, whose mission is to support the unflinching vision of film and theater artists. The company raised money for If You Could Say It In Words through an innovatively democratic funding structure — selling shares in the film to individual investors at $225 apiece. They raised enough money initially to shoot only less than half of the film; so they shot a selection of scenes, edited, and then used the material to promote the film to investors, eventually garnering enough shareholders to complete the shooting and post-production of the film over the course of several years.

Nicholas Gray, Alvin Keith, and co-producers Katharine Clark Gray and Adam Eisenstein will be available for in-person interviews October 6-11 in Louisville. Phone interviews or a full press packet with photos from the film as well as further information about all cast and crew are available upon request.

Writer/director Nicholas Gray was born in Louisville, Kentucky and grew up all across the state (Lexington, Lebanon, Campbellsville, and Louisville). He graduated from Ballard High School and first studied acting with Walden Theater Conservatory. Virtually Nicholas’ entire family is in or from the state, with ties going back to the time before Kentucky formally joined the U.S. Nicholas currently plans to return to Louisville this winter as director and co-producer on a series of awareness videos for the Autism Self-Advocacy Network. As part of the series, he will be profiling the teacher whose remarkable relationship with his autistic children first inspired Nicholas to write a script with an autistic lead role.

The film was shot by cinematographer Richard Sands, noted for his lighting direction of films by Francis Ford Coppola, Stephen Spielberg, Sam Ramie, Joe Dante, among others.

Other featured actors in the film include New York theater veteran Gerry Lehane, Yvonne Woods(Yale Rep, ACT, Alley Theater), PaSean Wilson (Another World, Striptease), Stephen McKinley Henderson (Drama Desk Award Winner for Jitney, Everyday People, Law & Order) Dana Snyder (Master Shake from Aqua Teen Hunger Force).

PRESS CONTACT:
Adam Eisenstein
Director of Marketing and Development
Co-producer, If You Could Say It In Words
A Chip & A Chair Films
646-221-2254
aeisenstein@chipchair.com

WEBSITES:
Movie: www.ifyoucould-movie.com
Company: www.chipchair.com
Film Festival: www.derbycityfilmfest.com

The post Review: If You Could Say it in Words [Asperger Love Story] – October Premiere appeared first on Wrong Planet.

Mozart and the Whale is a compelling tale about the power of love and its ability to overcome everything, even among two individuals with Asperger’s Syndrome. But the story it tells is something to which we can all relate. It provides hope to those of us who have been lonely our entire lives. Perhaps we will one day be able to experience true love, when we least expect it.

Jerry is a brilliant mathematical autistic savant who drives a taxi for a living. Mary is a talented musician who has used her gift working in places such as Radio City Music Hall and Hollywood Bowl. The two meet each other in an interesting sequence of events that explains a lot about who they truly were before they found one another.

The story’s narration alternates between Jerry’s and Mary’s voice, telling the story from both sides of the relationship. It’s quite enlightening to hear the differing perspectives and feelings of these two unique individuals. Both characters have quirks that make the story that much more interesting. But these quirks oddly attract each other. For example, Mary becomes oddly fascinated by Jerry’s answering machine message, which mentions the names of his pet parakeets. Jerry and Mary both share the common interest of keeping pet birds.

While the two characters are similar in many ways, Mozart and the Whale illustrates the different set of problems males and females with Asperger’s have with relationships. On one side is Jerry, who has not been in hardly any relationships, during his life. On the other side is Mary, who has been in many relationships, but has been consistently hurt by men who do not like her for who she is. The book effectively portrays these differences in a way that relates Jerry and Mary’s experiences to the general experiences of most males and females with Asperger’s, which, interestingly enough, seem to follow along the same divisional lines.

Telling you too much about the story would ruin the many surprises it contains, but rest assured that this is a must read for anyone who plans on or knows someone who plans on falling in love at some point in his or her life. Even if you’ve seen the movie, the fresh approach of this novel makes the Newports’ story worth a second look.

Order a copy of Mozart and the Whale: An Asperger’s Love Story.

You won’t be disappointed.

Check back later this week for our review of Daniel Tammet’s Born On A Blue Day: Inside the Extraordinary Mind of an Autistic Savant

The post Review: Mozart and the Whale: An Asperger’s Love Story appeared first on Wrong Planet.

–edgey123

Read on for GroovyDruid’s response!
Dear Aspie:
“I am a heterosexual male aspie. Why do females insist on telling me about their husbands or boyfriends all the time, sometimes in intimate detail? It is none of my business, and it makes me feel uncomfortable, like the girls/women are comparing me to their partners. I also don’t know what to say to them.”

–edgey123

I understand. You don’t know what to say to them because you don’t know how to take what they tell you. You get left with an uncomfortable pause, during which communication goes to the dogs.

While I can’t tell you exactly what every mention of a significant other means, I think we can narrow down some possibilities. Armed with those, you’ll have a good shot at deducing the intention of their communications.

The most likely scenario: you are being entrusted. See, NT women love discussing their blokes. From the time women are 12 years old, an overwhelming majority of them spend innumerable hours with their friends discussing every conceivable facet of the men they are dating, were dating, might be dating, or wish they were dating. Men don’t usually get much of a glimpse into this world of female evaluation, but it’s fascinating. If you haven’t already, listen to a woman when she gets her hair styled by her gay hairdresser. There will be no break in the cascade of language—literally—and a sizable chunk of the discussion will consist of the woman’s relationship. A woman will entrust her friends or her hairdresser or anybody else with the scintillating drama that is her love life, as long as she feels the person is unthreatening and generally in sympathy with her.

This brings me to the point. Aspies have a tendency to come across as unthreatening when it comes to such discussions. (To their frustration, this often relegates the aspie to “friend” status rather than the desired “boyfriend” status, but I digress….) In fact, women often mistake heterosexual aspies like yourself for gay men. I speak from much exasperating experience. Regardless, women feel they can open up to you, with the result that you get an earful about boyfriend or hubby.

Other reasons for mentioning the bloke exist, of course. Women often bring up their men when they feel uncomfortable with the man to whom they are speaking at the time. It’s a kind of defensive mechanism: “Don’t mess with me. I’ve got a fella on the football team, and he’ll punch your ticket.” Women also bring up their men when they feel insecure, romantically or otherwise. This tells other people present either that they “possess somebody, too,” or that they have allies who care about them. And of course sometimes a significant other comes up in conversation for no underlying reason at all. From what you say, though, I don’t think women are throwing these tactics at you.

I can tell you how to nip this problem of “too much information, thank you!” in the bud. Casually mention early in the conversation that there is a woman at your school/college/work who blows your mind. Say something along the lines of, “She’s so hot I think she could probably pose for Playboy.” If you want to really drive the point home, mention that you’re not sure whether her breasts are real, but it really doesn’t matter to you. SNAP! The trap closes forever on the discussion of relationships. The woman will know that you are not in sympathy and that you have a sexually aggressive side that couldn’t possibly understand her sensitive feelings about her man. I caution you to be careful with this tactic, though. It works like salt on a slug. You will never be allowed into her inner circle of female discussion again.

Send your questions to “Dear Aspie”! Just PM your question to GroovyDruid or send an e-mail to dearaspie@wrongplanet.net. Questions of a personal nature may be submitted anonymously, though printing a user name is preferred. “Dear Aspie” reserves the privilege of editing for spelling, brevity, and clarity. Thanks for your submissions!

The post Dear Aspie: Why Do Women Tell Me About Their Men? appeared first on Wrong Planet.