–alex
Dear Aspie:
“After I talk to some people, I get this dread over me where I don’t know if I said something wrong or did something stupid. I start to analyze the conversation I had, and I come up with things I shouldn’t have said. This usually will happen when I’m talking to a girl I’m interested in or when I’m talking to someone important who I’d like to impress. How do I prevent this worrying about how the communication session went?”

–alex

So we’re clear: NTs suffer from this sort of hyper self-analysis, too. Aspies don’t have the market cornered there. It’s a conditioned human response to worry about how we come across to others. Our society reeks of it.

But we aspies question ourselves and analyze our communications much more often. The root of the problem lies in a seemingly rational but actually destructive tendency common to our neurology. We think there’s a right and a wrong way to communicate: black and white. Somehow, we are supposed to find the absolute in behavior and adhere to it as closely as we can. It’s not too surprising, given how we see the world, to come to this conclusion. But it’s a lie.

Communication is a creation, not a patter, and there’s no benchmark for creation. What does this mean? It means self-questioning is a downward spiral, because analyzing what you’ve said never stops. One can never get certainty about whether a communication was good because there’s no ideal to which to compare it. Sure, you can ask the other person whether he thought you talked well with him, or some third bystander, but that’s only their opinions. You could even put yourself in their power by actually caring about their little opinions. But you’ll never get certainty by caring about their opinions, and they can’t give it to you either. They might pretend like they can, but that’s just to control you and mess with your head: “Yes, I know the correct way to talk, and if you do what I say, you will, too.” If you think about it for a minute, I’m sure you’ll be able to spot some people in your environment who do this to you.

Certainty is the currency of power, of self-sufficiency, of knowledge, and of happiness. You can’t wield power of any sort, be independent, really know anything, or be happy unless you can feel certainty in a given area. No certainty equals no peace: did I or didn’t I? Could I or should I? To be or not to be? On and on.

The solution to self-analysis might seem childishly simple, but it takes a lot of practice, because it flies in the face of a lifetime of bad habits and social training. The trick is become the source of your own certainty. How do you practice this? Drill yourself. Ask yourself, “What around me can I be certain of?” Then point it out: that chair, that bike, that person. Weird? Yeah, but watch what happens to you inside. And when you find yourself asking, “Did I do well talking to that person?” remember, that’s not a real question, because there’s no right answer. All you can be certain of is that you communicated, and by golly, you should be proud of that. Be certain of your achievement, and get on with your day. End the cycle. Shut the door on that one action and move on to another. To question yourself over and over leads to self-destruction, as Hamlet found out.

Now, you’re an aspie, and you might come across strange. You might talk funny sometimes, or walk funny sometimes. You might not know what to say, or focus on something too much for some people’s taste. Well, tough for them. Let them deal with it. Forget the criticism of others and cleave to a new set of heroes. Ray Charles walked kind of funny, and Einstein focused far too much. Picasso didn’t exactly fit in polite company, either. But they all had certainty about what they were creating, and that carried them through to soaring achievements. You mentioned in your note about women and important people? Well, you’ll find that women adore the confidence that comes with certainty, and “important people” will come to you, because they need you, no matter how you talk or walk. Find the certainty inside yourself. You’ll become a being of gravity, and pull the universe to you.

You go get ‘em.

Send your questions to “Dear Aspie”! Just PM your question to GroovyDruid or send an e-mail to dearaspie@wrongplanet.net. Questions of a personal nature may be submitted anonymously, though printing a user name is preferred. “Dear Aspie” reserves the privilege of editing for spelling, brevity, and clarity. Thanks for your submissions!

The post Dear Aspie: How Do I Stop Questioning Myself? appeared first on Wrong Planet.

–Aaron_Mason

Read on for GroovyDruid’s response!
Dear Aspie:
?I have a really big problem with commanding attention in a conversation. When I start talking, people talk over me, or they’ll interrupt me to say something they want to say. What can I do??

–Aaron_Mason

Argh! I hate that. I?ve had trouble with over-zealous talkers from time to time. I have some ideas for you.

First, in case you aren?t already certain of this, their interrupting and talking over you shows very poor communication skills. It?s not only rude, it shows they are not listening. Rather they are lying in wait for an opening to show off their lung capacity. Furthermore, to anyone who knows, it shows that they don?t understand the cycle of communication. (See my previous column replying to anonymous below.) Talking over another person is a great way to alienate and upset anyone, not just an aspie.

But ? it happens. The reason such people feel licensed to push over your speech most likely stems from a perceived lack of intention from you. In addition to the message communicated, a speech also must transfer the intention behind the words. This tells the listener the importance of the input. You can tell people God?s last name or the secret to infinite ice cream, but if they don?t perceive intention in your speech, they still won?t pay attention to or give it importance, because they think you don?t give it importance.

Aspies often have trouble with intention in their speech. They tend to ?talk to themselves?, and not in a schizophrenic way. They seem to intend the message for themselves first and to others around them as a secondary audience. Aspies love the sound of their own voice, not because of egotism, but because it seems to be foreign to them, like another being speaking. This phenomenon may be a result of a structural deficit: autistics often exhibit signs that the brain hemispheres aren?t communicating properly, or at all. When this is the case, one side of the brain can communicate to the other by verbal messages spoken by the mouth (one side of the brain) and taken in by the ears (the other side of the brain).

You can improve the intention in your speech through practice. Creative visualization helps to get the proper idea. For example, don?t speak to someone. Instead, speak to a point in space three feet behind his head. Concentrate on that point, and visualize your message going there. INTEND your message going there. Each and every time you speak to someone, first ask yourself, ?Where do I intend this message to go? To this person? That person? All of them?? Then sock it to them with force, and overshoot the mark. You can even start out by practicing with a willing person and raising your voice. Yell your message to that point behind the person, and make darned sure the person gets it. Then tone down your volume, but keep that same level of intention. Put all your attention into getting the message out of you and across the distance to the other person.

If you practice these drills, I think you?ll be amazed at the results. Pretty soon, you will develop strong speech habits and commensurate confidence. It won?t matter if you?re reading the phone book: people will pay attention. They won?t have the guts to interrupt someone who speaks with such intention?because very few of them have it, and it impresses and cows them.

By the way, there are some great lines to embarrass people who interrupt you. They are worth preparing in advance to ease the transition from ?interruptee? to ?feared and respected communicator?. The simplest is, ?You interrupted me,? which in adult conversation obliges the interrupter to apologize and yield. Far more fun, though, is my personal favorite: ?People who interrupt me tend to disappear under mysterious circumstances.? Deliver that one with a sly smile and watch what happens!

Good luck!

Send your questions to ?Dear Aspie?! Just PM your question to GroovyDruid or send an e-mail to dearaspie@wrongplanet.net. Questions of a personal nature may be submitted anonymously, though printing a user name is preferred. ?Dear Aspie? reserves the privilege of editing for spelling, brevity, and clarity. Thanks for your submissions!

The post Dear Aspie: How to Stop Being Interrupted? appeared first on Wrong Planet.